There is far far too much for me to tell the full story but i'll try to include only the most relevant points of the past and recent points! Met my ex 22yrs ago, broke up 17yrs ago because i fell pregnant, he wanted me to abort, i refused. He was extremely emotionally abusive and controlling, as anyone who knows about how insidious this can be and how often victims can't see the abuse, internalise it and blame themselves, it took me years to actually realise what had happened to me. Of course because i chose the baby over him (he literally gave me that ultimatum, him or baby) he was furious and told me i would regret it, little did i know he meant that he would make me regret it!
I have been dragged through 17 years of repeated bogus family court applications, every time a final order was made he was never happy with the outcome so he simply reapplied with fresh false accusations and the whole process started again, i have been accused of everything you could think of. I let him get away with not paying child support for 5 years because i was scared to provoke him and when i finally did apply he retaliated (as i knew he would) by going for full custody, he even accused me of sexually molesting our child to try and achieve this. He has sporadically paid since, i initially contacted him about missed payments but he would use that as an opportunity to threaten and harass me and say, it can't be harassment because i contacted him first, i then realised he was purposefully stopping payments to force me to initiate contact with him, so i have simply allowed him to get away with regularly missing payments since and there is a very obvious pattern to the missed payments, he always misses the payment immediately before christmas day, my birthday, my wedding anniversary, valentines etc.
Our child has made many accusation of violence and abuse against him since a very young age, mostly to school teachers who have then made referrals. These have almost always gone against me with him claiming i make our child lie and coach them into making these accusations out of bitterness, child is then called a liar and forced to continue with court ordered contact where they are severely punished for having spoken out. 2 years ago our child again, accused him of violence, showed school staff injuries and they again contact social services, i begged and pleaded with them not to, i'd been through this too many times before and new exactly what the outcome would be, that i would be blamed, child would be punished and things would get even worse for us. The police became involved when social services said a child as old as this is usually taken more seriously. After the police and social services visited dad he again pulled the same "its all mums fault, mums mentally unstable, mums a parental alienator" tactic that's worked so well in the past and actually requests that social services and the police give him immunity from being investigated in the future should our child make further allegation, obviously they told him that's impossible but i do think the social worker finally saw him for what he was for even suggesting that. He then refused to have any further contact with child until he was granted this "immunity".
I have social services documents that he was the one who officially ceased contact with child so i wouldn't get in trouble for court order breaches. He had repeatedly accused me of breaches that had never happened to try and get me in trouble before so i requested this be included in their report. Child is now over 16 anyway and the contact order is expired, my residence order remains in force until 18.
In the last 2 years he has contacted child directly and arranged to see her about 10 times, usually parties, birthdays, a wedding, christmas etc.... i am never consulted or contacted, not even a polite "just to let you, child will be with me this date" (i am fine with this). He even took child out of the country without my knowledge or consent, which is illegal AND in breach of a specific issue order relating to holidays abroad that has been in place for 10 years. (there is a whole other story here about him getting a secret passport for child, booking a secret holiday, attempting to take child abroad, making an emergency without notice application to court and lying to a judge i was refusing to consent to a holiday i knew nothing about). I did not react to this or report him, or take any action of any kind. I really have no desire to get him in trouble i really just want to finally be free of him and i'm not stupid enough to poke the bear.
This brings us to today, every single damn time that he arranges anything with child, he flat out refuses to bring them home, we have had to drive absolutely miles at absurd times of night to collect them. This passed Tuesday they arranged a day out, he refused to even pick up from school, made them get a bus to him, then at 9pm we get a text from him telling us to come and get them otherwise he's keeping them til Friday, they had school Wednesday and had tried to bullying them into just lying and phoning in sick, he also had invited childs partner on trip, also a minor. The journey from home, to location, to drop off partner, back to home took 2.5 hours which we were given no choice but to do. My husband went but ended up getting in a massive row, dad was insisting we were unreasonable and that he's never done anything like this before and my husband just absolutely lost it because he is constantly pulling stuff like this, childs partners mum also phoned and swore and shouted at him (she has also had to go collect the kids before because he does this every time)
Dad is now playing victim, accusing us of verbally abusing and intimidating him, blaming the children even.
Am i being unreasonable to say enough is enough? i feel like he doesn't even actually want to spend this time with the child, its all about causing as much chaos as he can and some bizarre form of control that he can just volunteer me to drive around here there and everywhere without consulting me or even notifying me. Then just effectively abandon our child to force my hand. I don't really even know what i can even do to stop this? Any advise or suggestions please. I'm fairly certain my child is trauma bonded, very much people pleases and goes along with anything dad wants, absolutely desperate for his attention and love, knows what he is but still wishes for and hopes he's capable of change, has serious abandonment issues, entire paternal family cuts ties with child every time dad does, fear of losing everyone if doesn't bow down to dads demands. I thought after the court order expired a would finally be free of him.
Why on earth can't he just pick up, spend quality time and return, without badmouthing me constantly and dragging me into it somehow!?
It seems completely obvious to me that his behaviour is utterly unreasonable but he seems to genuinely believe he's done nothing wrong and is even demanding an apology from us all... including child?! I genuinely feel like i'm going insane, his family fully support him and often send child revolting messages about me and about how badly we treat dad. he's obviously lying to them and that's not their fault but will this ever end??? Its been 22 years?? This is insane!