To think complacent parents (as regards school work/screens ) are doing their dc no favours?

[Moonbright9]

My dc is 13. Her friends parents (lovely middle class, comfortable ) are so complacent with their dc yet complain they are not achieving.
There parents don't recommend any extra study or instrument practice, are blasé about homework, don't limit screen time & let the dc miss sports if the dc say they are tired or want to meet friends.
Aibu to think that they are doing their dc no favours in the long run?

Maybe their child doesn't need pushing. Not all kids need pushing to reach their potential. Maybe the kid knows when relaxation and rest is needed for them.

I think unless we know their side and their childs situation, we can't say whether YABU or not.

None of your business 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's none of your business really. How does it affect you, why is it an AIBU?

Yes op, you're a much better parent than them

Congrats

Yes, OP, everyone is doing it wrong apart from you, and your daughter will be the Global CEO Of Everyhthing and a Nobel Laureate at 15, while bicycling to her Oxford tutorials on a tandem with you, as a direct result of your parenting.

My child is shattered from coping all day at school with her Dyslexia. I am not going to push more and more work on her when she gets home. We do reading 5 days a week for 10 mins and basic spellings at the weekend and that's it. I am not going to have her burn out as it is so hard for her to concentrate all week at school as it is.

Its not really your business what other parents do. You do you!

Because they are complaining their dcs aren't achieving. I thinks it's an aibu as they should look at themselves first before blaming the kids & teachers.

I think if they are concerned that their child is underperforming then they are doing a poor job of things if they don't make changes.

I don't think it's necessary to wrangle and co-ordinate all the free time that children have towards worthy outcomes though. If learning an instrument doesn't bring them any satisfaction then it's totally unnecessary.

I'm a fairly strict parent on these things but I'm not sure it matters tbh. Back at my school there was plenty of kids like this, watching TV all the time, multiple consoles and games, junk food for lunch and having a sick day for a sniffle or for nothing at all. We are 40 now and you can't really tell who had the strict parents and who didn't. Some from each side are really successful and some aren't.

My son was in the middle of a mental health breakdown when he was 13, he literally stayed in his room, only playing computer games (it was all he could do) until the year of his actually GCSEs. He managed to recover adequately to do 6 GCSEs well enough to attend college for A Levels.

He is now studying at UCL, which you probably know is one of the most competitive universities in the country, having obtained amazing a level grades.

I don't know what you'd have made to my approach to his education in his high school years, it was fairly none existent. We were prioritising his health.

I know that this is an extreme and fairly unusual example but kids shouldn't have to be power housed into achievement. Most 13 year olds should by that age have enough autonomy to know the amount they need to do to attain what they want to.

Not everyone will be academically gifted either, no matter how much they are pushed, and there are great examples of careers that are now based on 'screen' related industries.

I encouraged both of mine. Was a little pushy, proactive when issues came up etc... Both have different levels of success, of tenaciousness, of work ethic, both went to the same schools. Kids are all different.

I was a reader... always high on the lists of best thing to role model to your kids. Even though in my day a book was the equivalent of a screen... My parents thought nothing would come of me with my head always in a book. Turned out fine.

That was before the days of social media & the globalisation we are at now. Personally I think parents can't afford to be complacent & then blame the school etc when targets aren't met

One of mine won the Dux medal - an award in Scottish schools for the highest academic achiever of the leaving year at school. Averaged over 97% on everything for a year. That was in the highest performing state school in Scotland.

He had no tutoring. He spent more time playing sport and in a band than studying. He had a great social life. We have a great relationship. Alongside school he worked in hotels and covid test centres. He is currently travelling the world riding a bike, climbing mountains and skiing (winter season in Canada ahoy...), he plans one of the longest trail walks in the world next year for 5 months.

Meanwhile I speak to other parents and their young adults and find that many have a really shitty relationship with their offspring. Many of the young people resent the pressure they were under, a significant proportion are heading into careers that parents have persuaded them is 'best', they have crap mental and physical health, and are struggling to hold it together as they leave school and into university (it is always uni, no 'hot housing' parent seems to think being a plumber is a good career...)

I over generalise, but 'performing' at school under pressure is not always the best thing for a child or young person.

I think your thread title is purposefully goady and way too generic

in the case of your specific friends who are upset their DC arne't performing but aren't putting any specific effort in, then sure, perhaps they have to take on some of the responsibility for that.

Blaming the school is ludicrous if the school is generally fine.

My dd has had some struggles achieving where her school was unable to recruit a decent teacher - for that I blame government (Tories).

Theres a point at which a parent has to let a teen get on with it. And not always easy to decide when to push and when to support in the background.

I do not force my dd to go to her clubs when she has period pains and a high stakes maths test next day for example. But I will say, “then you WILL have a screen free evening and early to bed.”The response usually tells me if it is laziness or genuine.

What did these kids' parents do at 18? Sometimes I find people who did really well academically are more relaxed about their kids. And they're arguably not wrong because parents' achievements are one of the single biggest predictors of kids achievements, sadly.

I did well academically but I wouldn't want my DC to be like the kids I knew at Cambridge who had been coached for success by their parents.

I’m sure you don’t know everything about this family. Maybe they’ve tried being more on it and the DC are very resistant and/or get stressed out and whilst they still wish they were doing better at school it’s likely they’ve made the decision to prioritise mental health and a harmonious home. Also, I don’t know if 13 is the magic age but the ultimate goal is independent study, and at some point the DC have to take the reins for themselves and maybe these parents are letting the kids learn their own lessons re the consequences of homework not being done. Obviously it’s not your approach but I don’t think it’s massively controversial and perhaps it’ll pay off and they’ll have self motivated independent teens by the time GCSEs roll around. And maybe they don’t think instrument practice matters much because let’s face it, most kids give up whilst at secondary school and never touch the instrument again! Ditto sport because for all the netball and hockey played at school most adults just go for a run or go the gym to keep fit.

I’d trust that they know best what works for their family and try being a little less judgmental.