Dd16 doesn’t shower

[WaffleDogg20]

dd16 (very nearly 17!) is giving me the rage with her lack of hygiene. When she was at school she would shower every other day, brush her teeth daily and would make an effort with hygiene. She would never go school with oily hair etc.

she left school in July and now works as an apprentice working 8-5pm and she is barely showering once a week. I have to remind her to brush her teeth and if I don’t she could go weeks without doing it.

its making me feel sick and we have huge arguments about it. She says she never has time but she has time to sit on her phone all evening etc!

this morning it came to a head when I realised how awful her hair looks (she always slicks it back..) and I lost it with her saying that she smells and whenever she goes to the bathroom you can tell she’s not showered. Obviously she told me I was horrible etc.

I don’t know what to do. It’s the same with washing her face/skin care. We have spent hundreds of nice stuff she asks for but she doesn’t do it!

As someone who has just come out of period of time where I struggled to take basic care of myself, yet go to work, look after the kids etc I would suggest she is struggling herself. Someone failing to take basic care of themselves often suggests some sort of mental struggle.

Probably with the change going from school to working. Yes she had time to scroll on her phone. So did I. But it was like I was I. Fictional freeze. I was scrolling my phone because I couldn’t find the mental energy to focus on things that actually mattered. It’s not really about time. It’s about the amount of time I felt I could actually do things productive. By the time work was done, kids done, house stuff done I had no time where I could be productive.

Whilst I appreciate that you are frustrated, losing your temper won’t help. Neither will pointing out she has time to scroll her phone.

I would try and give her some spec for a few days and then have a conversation about why you are concerned and make sure she knows you are there to support her. I came out of it by basically getting that fed up of feeling like shit I made myself make small changes. Then it went from there. But that can take a long time. You need to discuss that you are concerned for her, worried people at work will complain she smells, take about the health aspect and then help her. Talk to her about why she might be struggling. Reassure her.

I could be wrong. But that’s my suggestion

I feel your frustration. My sd was like this and in the end it took us standing at the bathroom door to hear the shower, checking hair was actually wet, products had been used etc. it was awful but she smelt so bad it would make us heave when she arrived.
If I got home after she'd arrived I could smell her from the hall!

My DD is 16 and will only shower 2-3 times a week, and doesn't always brush her teeth. She has a sensory processing disorder which means these tasks are unpleasant and can even be experienced as painful to her. Any chance your DD has similar?

Can you not just shimmy her along? No drama, just a 'im putting the shower on for you in 5 mins' then go get her, take her phone and set it down and almost lead her to the bathroom??
I agree there's probably more going on with the lack of personal hygiene if it was there previously, but sometimes it makes the difference if it's gentle nudge! Offer to help dry her hair etc if that's overwhelming her? Once she showers she will probably feel better for it!

i have one the same, mine is 18 with ASD, we go through periods were hygiene is better than others.

Things I do .. buy a nice shower thing as a treat (will be doing this today in lush), run her a bath .. to have a nice relax.. she has these chewable toothbrushes, and dry shampoo in her room.. plus a decent body spray (she’s on Snow Fairy at the moment). I’ll always add a “you smell great” when she uses it. Always use a decent smelling fabric conditioner as well

She’ll always shower when there is something on (PT job etc), but in between not great.

I just figure she’ll grown out of it. I think making it into a battle won’t work, she’s an adult you can’t drag her in.

As this is a recent decline in personal hygiene linked to leaving school for working 8-5pm as an apprentice, I agree with @Styleislost that this is likely linked to her struggling with this major life change, perhaps even poor mental health or burnout. All of which can cause fatigue. With fatigue, it doesn’t matter how much time you have, you have no energy or will to keep doing things and usually self care is the first thing to suffer. Instead of getting angry and nasty - saying she stinks and starring arguments which will drain her even more I would see what you can do to support her. What kind of apprenticeship is it? How does she get there abd back? (Hope it’s not a 3hr bus journey). Is she eating a good lunch during the day? Is she being bullied/sexually harassed at work?

Talk to her instead of putting more demands on her.

This sounds awful, I remember our friends daughter went through a phase like this around age 11 and then just seemed to grow out of it. I'd also suggest there is something else going on, perhaps she is feeling overwhelmed with work. Do you sit and chat to her about the work and how she's feeling etc? Rather than just constantly on about the hygiene aspect. I wonder if she's feeling too overwhelmed but doesn't voice it to you because you seem cross.

Please don't make a battleground out of it. I know how frustrating it must be but she is likely not doing it on purpose. Something else is going on in the background and creating arguments is not going to be helpful.
My much younger cousin was living with me for a little while and we had a very similar issue at one point (around the same age 16-17). He was obviously going through a rough time at home having to move in with me so we had to be very mindful of that. I kept it super breezy, I'd run him a bath couple of times a week and we would all make a point of encouraging to brush teeth after breakfast. We let the nighttime teeth slide for a while. I also sneaked his clothes into laundry in the evenings as he would often wear the same t-shirt and jacket for months on end.

Any chance she could be depressed? Simple tasks like that can seem 1000% more difficult to be motivated to do if so. Does she sleep in a lot?

Do you think she is suffering with some mental health issues? I know someone whose hair became matted to the extent it needed to be shaved off because they had severe depression and couldn't perform basic care.
I think you need to sit down with her and ask if everything is OK. Try to keep it from developing into an argument; tell her you are concerned and want to help if possible and if she needs it.

Do it in the evenings when there is more time, just gently say 'I have to, to ensure it's being done'. Bath or shower and teeth brush.

I agree that she sounds depressed. However you could try running a bath for her, add some smelly stuff and tell her to get in. Then hand her her toothbrush.

Tell her that she'll get gum disease and risks getting sacked.

I wasn't going to post in fear it might offend/scare OP but... As a teacher, I have seen a few cases like this where a young person's hygiene will change drastically (for the worse). I can't say this is what's happening to your DD, I don't know her situation, but this is very common in girls who are being threatened or abused. They will usually stop showering to keep the threatening culprit away.
I would be asking her about her apprenticeship. Has she made any friends? Does she feel safe and happy there? Things of that nature.
I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear right now, but it is unfortunately a possibility. Or as others have mentioned, it could be just a phase or she's just feeling a bit overwhelmed with such a big change.

Or run her a bath. When I am feeling depressed or struggling it's feels easier to transport to a bath and sit in a bath rather than shower which feels a lot of effort.

I would also be pushing the teeth cleaning more than washing. She's going to get gum disease (and everything that comes with that - gum recession, losing teeth, expensive and painful treatment) pretty quickly if she's not brushing.

Have the people at her apprenticeship not noticed? Ask them to speak to her? Although she'd probably go mad if she found out. Tell her she's not going to work unless she's clean?

I have a dd with adhd.

Dry shampoo, chewable toothbrushes or even gum is better than nothing,

Try buying some different tasting toothpastes. The supermarkets pretty much only do mint but there are other tastes out there.

There's definitely something more going on here OP. Showing every other day isn't even enough as a female you need to be showering at least once a day.

At 16 I worked 3 days a week and I have 4 buses a day in order to get to/back from work. I also was at college too.

Surely she's at risk of losing her apprenticeship if she stinks?

Have you discussed this?

I would make her a GP appointment and get them to do a depression questionnaire with her. Any chance of neurodiversity?