Colleague ‘bragging’ about child’s free childcare

[Cocomelonhater]

At my work three of us had kids around the same time about 2 years ago. They are both male, I am female. We all earn similar amounts.

My partner and I pay for a private nursery 3 days a week. Bert and his partner pay for 2 days of nursery a week. Bob’s partner didn’t return to work after mat leave due to the cost of childcare. We are in part of the country where funding doesn’t kick in until 3.

Bob’s life sounds quite hectic to say the least. They live with his parents and it sounds like there is a few MH problems in the household. I don’t know exactly why, but his child has had a social worker for a while and there has recently been a children’s panel where it was decided his child would benefit from a nursery place and has been awarded one 3 days a week at no cost to them. Bob keeps mentioning that it is completely free and that it’s ‘mad’ that people have to pay so much for it. I agree yes it is terrible that it is so expensive. But I am starting to think he is almost starting to rub Bert and my nose in it. He has asked a few times how much we pay each month and makes comments that it is such a big proportion of my pay.

I am not sure why Bob felt he should mention to his work colleagues that his family has social work involvement, he is probably an oversharer. I can’t imagine a situation where i would tell a work colleague about this. Bob mentions it pretty much every day his child goes to nursery that it’s fully funded. Beyond polite conversation like asking how she is getting on there I am not sure how else to respond, I don’t remember him being interested in anything about my daughter’s childcare apart from how much it cost. Bert now rolls his eyes every time nursery is mentioned in conversation. I want to tell Bob to shut up about it, that it’s good that his child is getting the support she needs, but at the end of the Bert and my kids are not entitled to that so there’s no point on in comparing the situations and the amount of money we are or are not spending. Bert agrees that basically bragging that your child has social worker isn’t a good look and that he should probably keep it to himself but I don’t think there’s a good way to tell him this without coming across as judgemental.

Is Bob thick?

Does he realise it's a social service intervention?

I think Bob has a lot of issues and bad judgement.

I feel for him but he also sounds very annoying.

id just repeat stock phrases: yes bob glad she’s doing well etc and move desks / earphones in / look for another job

i dont think saying anything will change him.

try to visualise him like someone with memory loss to stay patient!

I'd have a private word with his manager mentioning what you've heard, what he's saying, and ask him to check if he's okay.

Be thankful you are not Bob and you are not getting free childcare for the same reasons he is.

He's getting the two year funding because his child is vulnerable. It's good for his child that's how I'd view it

I’d just keep it generic and change the subject. “Yes Bob, awful weather today isn’t it?”.

and be glad you aren’t Bob and his child is getting the help he/she clearly needs.

I don't think you need to tell Bob anything. He's behaving quite oddly boasting about his child having a social worker and being so delighted with the nursery place, but there we go. It doesn't sound nasty, more innocent and unthinking.
Nice to have Bert to share an eye roll with.
It's reminding me of that joke about the man who says he's just bought life insurance and then been diagnosed with a terminal illness 'so aren't I the lucky one'.

Bob sounds like social services intervened and placed the child in childcare either because they are struggling to cope with said child (physical or mental health) or they have deemed the child in need of the protection of being cared for by paid professionals. Neither of these scenarios is particularly admirable.

I think you just have to try your best to ignore Bob remarks and move the conversation along.

In the bigger picture, a vulnerable child is benefitting from assistance, that's really all that matters.

Whatever Bob may say about how great the free nursery time is, how much luckier is your child not to need that intervention? You can know that, and thank goodness for it, without having to say anything.

Bob is showing that he has no social awareness - does he have a disability himself?

My own DD went to nursery with kids who got fully funded due to their vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities include the child's own disability and/or one of their parents disability and/or the family's socio-economic status.

The nursery was run by a charity so only higher earners with a single child attending with no disabilities paid full fees. Each child had to attend a minimum number of days and hours depending on age.

In short every child who went to her nursery parents were paying different fees. No one boasted about it as why would you boast about the difficulties you and/or your child were having?

Yes unthinking is exactly how i would put it. It’s not like he brags about the social work, but he told us about it at the time and that the nursery is result of that. And now he just constantly talks about the funded place which most people would pay a fortune for. I wonder if he is making out that they have exaggerated the situation to get the place and isn’t he smart for working the system. But from what I have heard the situation sounds quite messy so can imagine why SW would be involved.

Yes I think I will just do my nodding Churchill dog impression from now on.

I wonder if he is making out that they have exaggerated the situation to get the place and isn’t he smart for working the system.

Some nurseries end up being awful to kids with vulnerabilities after their first year even though their places are "fully" funded. This is because social workers are either not involved anymore or less involved. By this I mean the nursery reduces the number of days and/or hours they say they can support the child so the child doesn't get their full entitlement. (Parents at two nurseries near where my DD went to suffered this. )

Also if it works out fine they still have to navigate school. If the kid themselves has a disability some kids find they aren't accepted into a school, the parents are rung up constantly to collect their child so one can't work, the child can't go to before/after school care so one of the parents can't work, or the child is forced out of the school due to lack of resources or even change of head.

If people whose children have disabilities talk to you about their horrendous experiences, you find yourself pitying people like Bob.

I would just say yes isn't it great social workers sorted that out for you?

He doesn't sound very bright. Why would you tell people about social care involvement and that you're getting free childcare. He must've refused to pay for Childcare himself (even though it sounds like he can afford it), so they've offered it free to support the child.

So someone official has deemed that it is better for the child to be in nursery than at home. Sadly nothing to brag about - at all. How embarrassing 😳

I perfected the 'concentration' poker face at work and can totally ignore people like Bob as I'm clearly concentrating so hard on what I'm doing, I can't hear them......

(Also works for DH's, MIL's and teenagers when reading, watching TV and posting on MN. Doesn't work on toddlers, they just screech).

Maybe I'm an asshole, but I'd have to say something along the lines of " but you're only getting free nursery care because social services are involved".... Every time...

It's maddening having your face rubbed in it so to speak. I have a friend who has never had to use nursery/after-school clubs due to flexible work and grandparent childcare, but complains about relatively minor expenses such as car tax where as we have had to spend thousands and thousands in child care over the years. But where I work it's the norm to pay for nursery, we are all in the same boat pretty much.

Look at it this way, his life sounds like a complete shit show, but hey at least he's not paying for childcare. Nod and smile.

Would you like a free place, with the catch of it being through SS? I doubt it. I imagine you’d rather pay. So he’s not rubbing your nose in it because you are not envious of his free childcare or his life in general.

Perhaps he’s saying things to save face and feel better about his situation
Perhaps he’s thick

Either way you probably just need to feel a bit sorry for him and rise above it.

I assume you're in Scotland. The threshold for SW intervention is very high at the moment due to how stretched their resources are, it takes even more for a children's panel referral. There must be some serious issues / child protection concerns in that household to get 3 days funded childcare. They don't give that to anyone.
It sounds like he's trying to be boastful to cover up how bad things really are, either that or he's just thick. It's not something I would share so openly.

I'd just say ' tbh I'd rather pay for my childcare than have social care deem that im not capable of keeping them safe and supporting their development'.

While it can be shit feeling like some people get a load of stuff free you have to work hard to pay for..
. Honestly? You are your kid really just do not want to trade with Bob

Bob probably lives in chaos/poverty. Social services do not waste time on you without good reason so there's probably some degree of trauma/neglect there. That child probably has a childhood ahead of them where their odds of doing well in school are low and their home life is likely to be quite crap.

Just ignore bob and his thoughtless comments. The world is full of loser dickheads.

It annoys me that a lot of people get it and others don’t. I was a single parent from the birth of my son, I am physically disabled and my son is severely autistic. Due to my chronic pain, I cannot get out the house to take him out so nursery was the one place he got to see other kids and just generally be somewhere other than home. He wasn’t entitled to free hours, both me and him with our disabilities severely struggled - so it must be nice to be able to get things like that.

"Wow Bob, You couldn't have waterboarded that information out of me"

"Guess if you guys don't get it sorted you'll have 24/7 childcare soon, do you know if you have to pay fostercarers child maintenance at all?"

Smile and nod.