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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is quite unusual from school?

20 replies

SlipperyFish11 · 12/12/2024 16:56

I am divorced and have ongoing issues with ex-h for years now surrounding my children, particularly my DS who has additional needs with an EHCP. He seems to target him and calls him derogatory things. I've made repeated calls to SS about him over a span of many years but nobody cares.

I moved him a while ago to a different school. Recently, his class teacher has been messaging me saying he notices different behaviour from DS on the days when he's been at his dads. He becomes rude to teaching staff and often gets detentions on those days.

AIBU to think this is quite unusual for a school to do? To put down these concerns in writing and specifically link them to contact with dad? I've always had experience of schools not getting involved in these sorts of things (a friend of mine has had DV issues), and I've never actually told this school about his history with his dad. Do you think he is just informing me, or trying to help provide me with evidence if I might need it?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 12/12/2024 17:04

Some schools will especially if it's making their lives difficult with poor behaviour my school blocked my ex by saying to the social worker that they were always upset on days that dad was collecting and withdrawn the day after nursery went further stating there was bruising on ds leg the following day and clear evidence they were giving him lactose (basically his nappies were awful because they gave him milk) they showed clear evidence that they (him and his family) were trying to alienate me in front of staff it was a saga

He should never have put in an official complaint ds was dirty after nursery they took that personally

PennyNotWise · 12/12/2024 17:19

Yes good schools will notice and have a responsibility to record things like this, especially with SEN children as they are even more vulnerable.
If you think your ex is being abusive to your child, and school do too, the more evidence you can build up for social services the better. Your child does not deserve to be treated like this and to feel this way.

wonderstuff · 12/12/2024 17:25

I work in a school and if we notice a pattern of behaviour we will highlight it. If behaviour deteriorates then we want to get to the bottom of that and work with parents to improve it. If there are safeguarding concerns we have a legal obligation to act on those as well. Whatever we can do to support a child to do well in school we will try to do.

Original poster
SlipperyFish11 · 12/12/2024 17:51

Thank you. I thought schools were meant to be neutral about these things, that's why I was surprised. I've screenshot everything for the future.

OP posts:
stichguru · 12/12/2024 18:18

I don't think they are being "not neutral" though really. If there is a pattern of negative behaviour of certain days they should report it, because it indicates that something is happening of those days that is potentially not good for that child. Like what would you want them to do - not report it? Even if they didn't know what was up - they should tell you because it could indicate something bad on those days.

JingleB · 12/12/2024 18:24

There’s nothing “not neutral” about seeing a pattern of concern and flagging it. They aren’t taking sides in a dispute, they are safeguarding a child at their school.

monkeysox · 12/12/2024 18:25

SlipperyFish11 · 12/12/2024 16:56

I am divorced and have ongoing issues with ex-h for years now surrounding my children, particularly my DS who has additional needs with an EHCP. He seems to target him and calls him derogatory things. I've made repeated calls to SS about him over a span of many years but nobody cares.

I moved him a while ago to a different school. Recently, his class teacher has been messaging me saying he notices different behaviour from DS on the days when he's been at his dads. He becomes rude to teaching staff and often gets detentions on those days.

AIBU to think this is quite unusual for a school to do? To put down these concerns in writing and specifically link them to contact with dad? I've always had experience of schools not getting involved in these sorts of things (a friend of mine has had DV issues), and I've never actually told this school about his history with his dad. Do you think he is just informing me, or trying to help provide me with evidence if I might need it?

School are doing their job. Yabu.

JurassicPark4Eva · 12/12/2024 18:25

No, it's pretty common tbh. My DH's teacher raised it back in about 1985 when he was tiny and had to go to his mums. She was nasty and neglectful and he was terrified of her (still no relationship now). He was raised by his dad and uncle and only saw her once wveey few weeks (her choice) and his behaviour on the days he was being picked up by mum for an overnighter was apparently very tearful, aggressive, he'd regress with being toilet trained for the days before and after he stayed with her....lots and lots of very obvious issues. Thank god school were looking out for him.

Original poster
SlipperyFish11 · 12/12/2024 18:44

stichguru · 12/12/2024 18:18

I don't think they are being "not neutral" though really. If there is a pattern of negative behaviour of certain days they should report it, because it indicates that something is happening of those days that is potentially not good for that child. Like what would you want them to do - not report it? Even if they didn't know what was up - they should tell you because it could indicate something bad on those days.

I want them to tell me of course, just the pattern I've observed at his old school with my friend was that they were very neutral and refused to comment on anything, especially in writing. I had wrongly assumed that this was the norm, but it seems not.

I'm very glad to have it because my ex uses every opportunity to deny and gaslight me. Having someone else's view match mine is a relief.

OP posts:
Allswellthatendswelll · 12/12/2024 19:13

Schools have a duty of care to children and this is clearly a safeguarding concern.

I don't know much about social services and the courts but hopefully this could be some kind of evidence for you OP?

TheyDidntBurnWitchesTheyBurntWomen · 12/12/2024 20:00

That's brilliant it's been out in writing!! If you need the evidence and ask school to write something for you to use in court they always refuse in my experience. Now you can use that email without having to beg for a report. I would also advise doing a SAR for the incident records if you ever face family court as they can't refuse that and the pattern will be evident.

My SEND kids old school actually asked me if I would keep him home the Monday after his dads weekend as hey could see the pattern. As his school placement was failing and he was on part time timetable they verbally told me they can't have him Monday preferably Tuesday too after he's been with his dad and not the Friday before as he's clearly anxious and it's leading to challenging behaviour. Could I get them to put that in writing? Could I fuck.

I work with kids and because of my experience id very likely send an email like that too. Can't put it down in a report because I'm not qualified for such a thing and it's not my role. But I can and would note a pattern of behaviour in writing via email as a way to help without officially helping. I bet the teacher has experience or knows someone with experience with shit parents and the crap system we have for the children

Prettydisgustingactually · 12/12/2024 21:05

Not unusual at all, my school does this. I’m sure they’re not specifically trying to provide evidence though. It’s very common for children to behave very differently after a stay with the parent they don’t reside with.

Longma · 12/12/2024 21:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

thismummydrinksgin · 12/12/2024 21:40

I'd be concerned if a school flagged this, it must be very clear and obvious to them. They are professionals and believe the child's Dad is having a negative impact. Its one step prior to a safeguarding issue surely?

Original poster
SlipperyFish11 · 12/12/2024 22:57

thismummydrinksgin · 12/12/2024 21:40

I'd be concerned if a school flagged this, it must be very clear and obvious to them. They are professionals and believe the child's Dad is having a negative impact. Its one step prior to a safeguarding issue surely?

I am concerned and have expressed my concern for many years now. Sadly it takes a lot for anyone to care. They don't even speak to him about the things he does.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 12/12/2024 23:00

The school are taking a side the child's side as they should be

Penguinmouse · 12/12/2024 23:01

SlipperyFish11 · 12/12/2024 17:51

Thank you. I thought schools were meant to be neutral about these things, that's why I was surprised. I've screenshot everything for the future.

This is a situation where schools really should not be neutral. They’ve noticed a trend - your son’s behaviour gets worse when he stays at his dad’s and now there is the opportunity to address it. It is also highlighting where there might be abuse (not saying there is but there is behaviour change.) It is good that school is picking up on this and bringing you in to the conversation.

stichguru · 13/12/2024 07:56

SlipperyFish11 · 12/12/2024 18:44

I want them to tell me of course, just the pattern I've observed at his old school with my friend was that they were very neutral and refused to comment on anything, especially in writing. I had wrongly assumed that this was the norm, but it seems not.

I'm very glad to have it because my ex uses every opportunity to deny and gaslight me. Having someone else's view match mine is a relief.

Show quote history

I don't think they are necessarily making huge distinction between your days and your ex's days. I would expect them to report any change or pattern of behaviour.

Original poster
SlipperyFish11 · 13/12/2024 12:58

stichguru · 13/12/2024 07:56

I don't think they are necessarily making huge distinction between your days and your ex's days. I would expect them to report any change or pattern of behaviour.

Show quote history

They are. The teacher is outright linking it to dad.

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 23/04/2025 23:02

I’ve worked with children who are like completely different people when they’ve come back from staying at Dad’s. When the pattern is that obvious, it’s impossible not to recognise it. Good for the teacher who is prepared to say something in the child’s best interests even when it’s controversial.

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