To ask him to stop with the banter

[Cubagoodeggjunior]

Been dating a guy for a couple of months. He’s not from the U.K.

From his short time living here, he seems to have gathered that Brits like banter. I genuinely do like this and it’s an important part of a relationship for me. I’m jolly good at it too!

Our first two dates he was a perfect gentleman and so sweet, but then he seemed to pick up on the fact that I liked a bit of a joking and light playfulness and jibing, and it has gotten out of control from there.

Now, he doesn’t bloody stop with it, and it’s become our “thing” that he’s always just taking jibes at me. We joke now about how he never says anything nice and he’s always mean to me.

He absolutely isn’t being intentionally mean to be malicious. I suspect there’s some neurodiversity at play, and/or he is trying (and failing) to behave how he thinks he should with a British woman.

I reached my limit today when I was trying to talk about something serious that happened at work and he just kept making jokes. I ended up making an excuse to get off the phone because I was so irritated.

He has many many redeeming features (thoughtful, considerate, fun) and it’d be a shame to have to end things here, but I’m reaching my limit with the “banter” and would quite like some normal couple-like romance and, dare I say, a compliment once in a while. I don’t want some slimy man who’s letching or simpering all over me, but somewhere in the middle would be nice.

I have only ever raised it to him lightheartedly before, but he seems to just think that’s part of the banter, and carries on.

AIBU to raise this with him more seriously, before I either cut my losses or resign myself to a relationship akin to a boy’s locker room?

And if so…how do I get him to understand, without sounding like I’m still joking, or sounding like I’m being a miserable bitch and starting an argument.

I’m due to see him Sunday night for a date and I really want to say something before then. I really don’t think it’s malicious so I don’t want to be unkind, but I’m really over it.

You've told him you don't like it. He's continued. This isn't cultural differences, he's a twat. You've only known him for 2 months. Throw him back.

Nope he's a wrong'un. Banter and making you feel bad are 2 different things. If he's not nice to you now how will he be further into a relationship. It should not be this hard to be with someone. Dump him now before he erodes your confidence and self esteem.

If you can’t have an open honest chat with him, then he’s not the guy for you.

I think you are being ruled by wishful thinking. This is who he is. Decide whether you are okay with that (you're obviously not, and nor should you be). Dump and move on.

That's not banter, that's called 'negging' and it's deliberate. He's seeing how far he can push your boundaries before you tell him to fuck off. Throw this one back.

Strange think to worry about. Why does it worry you to ask him to be nice to you?

Tell him that he’s going too far with the banter and he’s now in bad mannered territory. He’s just got a bit confused with what’s acceptable but once you put him straight there should be no excuses.

Wonder if he watches Andrew Tate 🤔

For God's sake. Men don't understand hints. I've said this so many times before. You have to tell him outright, straight with no holds barred and tell him this is destroying your relationship with him.

OP, you're just not remotely compatible with this man. Stop seeing him and move on. He isn't going to change. You're not right for each other.

It’s not an Andrew Tate type of energy at all. It’s more of a school boy dipping a girl’s pigtails in ink energy, because he likes her.

Either way it’s annoying as hell.

This is exactly what I was trying to articulate but was struggling to.

when people mentioned negging above I realised that didn’t quite fit what he was doing, as I couldn’t think of anything particularly unkind he said.

It’s exactly what you describe - it’s not that he insults me, rather he’s just really sarcastic ALL the time and because of this, I can’t get to know him because there’s no realness.

That's a pretty typical tactic for men to avoid being emotionally vulnerable and therefore intimate.

It's exactly what I dumped my last fella for. He was promising to begin with but fell back into what was obviously his usual shut down emotionally mode, and kept saying 🚩 things like "you won't change me, that's just who I am" as if the refusal to give a straight and not sarcastic answer to the question "shall we be exclusive?" was a fundamental part of his identity and not a choice he was making. He didn't meet my needs, and he got triggered that I was trying to change him when I challenged any of his behaviour. I suspect your guy is like him.

I think you've got the ick... no going back 😂 a few months in i couldn't keep my hands off dp..5 years down the line he does a few things that are annoying but that's par for the course when you live together!

It’s not banter if it’s not equal, and this isn’t equal. You don’t like it… and is it really ‘banter’ at all or is he subtly undermining you?

Say something or ditch him…

I think I would sit him down and say that the constant ‘banter’ is wearing a little thin and sometimes a line is being crossed with is affecting your relationship.
As a parent to a ND teenager I can almost see in the future someone saying something about him.
His ‘jokes’ just sometimes miss the mark and can be perceived as unkindness or rude and he’s socially awkward so when under pressure his defence mechanism is a dry, sarcastic humour that I have told him many people probably won’t appreciate.
I point out to him when something has missed the mark or came across as rude etc so that he can learn ‘social graces’ for want of a better term.
The plus side is he is totally mortified if on the rare occasion one of his barbs has hit home and I’ve become sad, you can only really know what is going on by sitting down and having a proper conversation about it.

Did you meet up with him again op?

I think you may have fallen for the 'cool girl' narrative. It's not cool or banter if you don't like it and he either can't tell or doesn't care. You deserve better and don't set yourself up for this. Dismissive banter is for men to mask their emotions with other men if they choose we can and are generally better so don't do it and don't accept it.

This was me and my current boyfriend. I explained how it made me feel and he agreed to try and stop. For him, sarcasm is often how he communicates with male friends or is a bit of a shield to make him feel more confident with strangers to come across as the funny guy. I told him i didnt want to be treated like one of his mates and if he couldnt be emotionally vulnerable with me, the relationship wouldnt last. We had a few instances where I had to call him out on it, but now it's fine and is just occasional banter and mutual. People on here are very judgy based on v little information so trust your gut, know your boundaries and be open and honest.

He sounds like he’s compensating for something and getting it wrong. Just tell him straight, his patter is shite.

I did! I talked to him right after I posted this, he stopped the sarcasm and we are going strong! He admitted he struggles to be emotionally vulnerable but he’s opening up way more now and things feel much more normal.

He is sometimes still a little odd and makes random or unfunny (but not unkind!) comments, but it’s way way better now.

That's great news! :)