To stop play dates due to swearing

[ShillyShallySherbet]

DD10 has become friendly with a new girl in her class. We’ve had her over to play a couple of times and yesterday DD was invited there to play. When she came home she said she’s never heard so much swearing and that her friend’s parents swear all the time including at the children. She seemed to find this amusing more than threatening but AIBU to not be happy about her playing there again? Or am I being a bit precious/unreasonable. I don’t know why but I just feel this is not an environment I want my child to be in.

Of course you’re NBU — families are different. If swearing is an issue to you, don’t send your DD there again.

YANBU OP totally up to you to make the call

Depends how much she likes this friend. Your DD will come up against loads of different things in life, and teaching her what's right and wrong might be better than hiding her away. But if she's not that bothered about the friend then yeah stop her going.

Thanks, I’ll hope she’s not invited again but if she is I’ll have to have some excuses prepared! The little girl is lovely so I’ll just try and encourage that they play at ours.

Up to you but at 10 I'd be handling it through chats with your daughter about differing expectations and families and why you don't swear. Would be different if she was younger but she'll hear everything all the time at high school. It sounds like she recognises it's not the done thing and presumably isn't going to start swearing like a trooper in front of you. That's if she wants to go back!

It wouldn't really bother me, my daughter is 7.5 and is really quite grown up and knows a lot of swear words from school etc but doesn't use them and knows they're not good. If she was at a sweary house I know it wouldn't influence her in any way. But if you feel uncomfortable then maybe keep her away, but at 10 I'd imagine it doesn't really bother her and maybe you could unclench a little.

It would probably make me think that our parenting approaches are very different and I'm not sure I'd be comfortable letting her go there anymore.

I think this is the crux of it for me if I’m honest, I know being around people swearing probably won’t influence her to do that, she knows all the words anyway and she knows it’s wrong to use them, hence why this was such a eye opener for her. I just feel like parents who swear at their children (what DD told me they were calling her friend really shocked me) aren’t the sort of people I want to put my daughter in the care of.

It all depends on context. For example it wouldn't bother me if someone said "oh shit" if they had dropped something. However if they were actively swearing and using it in a more agressive manner like calling someone a see you next tuesday, then I wouldn't be keen on that.

It's the swearing at the children which is the most problematic I think.
The parents of the family next door to me swear a lot and swear really, really aggressively at the children. I find it very upsetting and I'm only hearing it through the wall. I wouldn't like a child of mine to be in their house and witness this behaviour.

It didn’t sound like it was aggressive swearing as I think that would have frightened my child, it sounded like they just punctuated their sentences with swear words and used swear words instead of their children’s names. Which is why I wonder if I’m being a bit precious. I don’t think she’d want to go back there if they were being aggressive but she seemed to have a good time.

This. Everyone needs to learn there are different rules for different contexts and being able to roll with it is something of a life skill.

OTOH "used swear words instead of their children’s names." WTF?!

If adults think it's ok to swear in anger or in conversation with kids then they'll pick it up. But all kids go through a phase of testing boundaries. Yelling out 'bollocks' at every opportunity when something was slightly not to my liking was a key one apparently.
They'll grow out of it. But by all means don't send your kids to their home. Are they nice seeming people? Could they maybe just have sworn a little and she picked up on it as being 'naughty'?

I probably would not stop her going there if she really wanted to. The swearing instead of using a name sounds a bit dubious though?! By the time my youngest was 10 he had heard a lot of swearing in conversation, between his own sibling and friends, as there is a large age gap. He didn't copy or think it was cool, he understood they weren't good words to use.

For using swear words instead of names I think it was said a bit like “you little toe-rag” but more blue than that and not something I’d ever call my kids. They seem nice enough, very quiet but obviously not behind closed doors!

I would ring up the parents immediately and say "you fucking swore in front of my fucking kid you fuckers". That'll tell them.

Hmm. Swearing near- whatever. Swearing AT aggressively, def not. Using swear words in a conversational way....... ick but if you dd isn't feeling uncomfortable and is old enough to understand she isn't to copy it then I'd probably let it go but be aware

So don’t. The “well, they’re bound to hear these words somewhere”crew are missing the point a bit.
Swearing at and namecalling the children is a whole different ballgame and I wouldn’t want my child there either.

I swear like a trooper. BUT, I don't swear at people, especially my children. I swear about things, but swearing at people I would see as very aggressive.

I would ask her what's actually being said. I remember my DS got into big trouble at school because another child said he had sworn at her. He was adamant he hadn't. It out that he had told her to "Shut up!" and she thought that was "as bad as swearing."

Obviously I'm not condoning saying shut up either....

I am a bit sweary but I always made a conscious effort not to swear in front of children's friends! Maybe encourage DD to have her friend over to yours more often but I wouldn't stop her going there altogether.