Too little too late

[Frenchvanilla1991]

NC incase outing. Have had issues with my partner for almost 2 years and first tried to break up with him 18 months ago. I've feel he's manipulated me after every attempt to leave and always promising to improve. He has improved since then but things were horrific and he was criticising everything I did, punching walls and gaslighting me. This year things have been better but there's been a few incidents where he has snapped at me or said something controlling which sends me back to that period.

Now I have tried to end things firmly this time and he claims to have finally realised what he has done. Is accepting responsibility and admitting he has issues from childhood he hasnt dealt with and promising to really try to change. I told him again. I want to leave and that I have made plans to do so.

This time he didn't get angry and he said he understood what he's put me through and if it's too late then he understands. He said he doesn't want me to feel this way and more and just wants me to be happy. The way he has acted this week would be great if he was like this everyday but I'm so scared to give him another chance. Any advice please? I do think he seems sincere this time which is why I am struggling but I am still inclined to say it is too late after 18 months of unhappiness and second chances.

Follow your original impulse. Leave. You don’t need his permission, plus you’ve wasted enough time on his previous promises to reform.

Leave, it will never improve

Leave. There are better fish in the sea. You don’t even need one

So your relationship was fine for six months and he's been abusing you since. You're under the illusion that despite his manipulation and aggression, he's going to change.

Abuse escalates as you've seen and abusers don't change. If you want this rollercoaster to be your life, keep going back.

Just go. You don't need his permission. He is who he is and hasn't changed for the better in the time you've known him. Be happy. 💐

Why are there "plans" instead of actually doing it? Pack bags, go. Or have him pack his bags and go. You don't need his permission, this is not a two-way consensus to be signed and witnessed, you just leave.

No just talking about when things got very bad last 2 years. It has been 9 years together

In my experience they don't change. No matter how sincere or serious he seems about it. My ex had several epiphanies about his behaviour and made me so many promises every time he sensed he'd gone too far. It only got worse.

Thanks I am inclined to stick to my guns and leave. By plans I mean I have been sorting out somewhere to live which would be available shortly

If he's really serious about changing he'll do it even if you leave. Otherwise it's just more manipulation to keep you there.

Do you have kids?

I'm so sorry you have gone through this.
When someone shows you what they are really like, believe them.
He's on his best behaviour at the moment, it probably won't last.
If you have a gut feeling listen to it.
I hope life improves for you soon.

He's using the last weapon in its holster, feigning acceptance and self-loathing to iniate your emotions to be hormonally wired to reassure him and give in because he's convinced you there's a decent human in there. I would be very wary about voicing much more about breaking up or moving out because once it clicks that you're strong enough who can tell what might occur...

Yes this is my worry as it's as if he changed his tune overnight and had an epiphany about how abusive he has been

I think you should put your relationship on pause and then you absolutely can review if he a tally follows through with his promise to work on his issues. People do change but that change requires taking responsibility and contacting organisation which help perpetrators of domestic violence. I.e. his words need to be backed up by concrete actions.
If he registers with Respect and attends regular therapy then I would set a date to get together and assess where you both are in 3-6-12 months... Otherwise, no. I would accept any more promises.

Ok, so pack your stuff into storage and stay with a friend until it's available. You need to stop dragging this out, it's confusing both of you.

Does he punch walls at work and so on? Sounds like he's just a common abuser, not someone who just has mental health problems, though it's possible to have both. Punching walls is so outside the realms of acceptable there's no going back from it. It's designed to frighten you.

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=152

It is merely his latest attempt to have you doing what he wants @Frenchvanilla1991 . He hasn't had any realisations nor will he make any lasting changes, apart from getting worse.

I would be very wary about voicing much more about breaking up or moving out because once it clicks that you're strong enough who can tell what might occur...

This. Please be very careful, speak to Women's Aid if you can about leaving safely, men like this do not take kindly to 'their women' making their own decisions.

I'd advise not to share any more of your thoughts or plans with him, try and act normal whilst getting your alternative accommodation organised. Don't underestimate his need for control or how far he'll go.

What he is now “realised” and “come to terms with about his past, childhood etc” is all part of the script and plan.
I’d be willing to bet if you leave him (which you absolutely should) that he doesn’t actually deal with any of these issues because it’s all a load of bullshit and he simply said it to reel you back in for more misery.

OP it's highly unlikely he's only become abusive over the last couple of years. This is more likely an escalation of his behaviour.

He's abusive, he's not going to change and you need to leave.

Even if he is serious about changing this time, is that really what you want? Someone who abuses you for 2 years and only changes when you threaten to leave? Better to be with someone who is nice to you because they want to be. Or no partner at all.

Mine did this so many times. It never, ever lasted. It's also a well documented abuse tactic.

Listen to your instinct and leave. You can only bang your head against a wall so many times.

He hasn’t suddenly changed, he has just got better at pretending. This time you need to leave for good. Don’t look back!

Stop discussing what YOU have decided is best for YOU with him. Honestly, just stop it. You are a grown woman, decide what you want and do it. Stop inviting him to play pick me games with you.

Stop asking for his agreement, approval and permission. The only reason you are doing this is because you imagine that you can change him with your threat of leaving. You want to be persuaded to stay and you let it happen.

And you need to raise your bar about what a good relationship looks like. There is a fantastic online course called the Freedom Programme.

You are right I am letting him convince me to stay and engaging in this back and forth when I really need to just go through with what I want