Feel like a crap mum all the time

[OddBallNumber5]

Quite a few little niggly things here so I’ll start with the first:

I have two kids, one boy who is 9 and a girl who is 7. They were both breastfed and we did a combination of baby led weaning and spoon feeding. Eldest has autism which was diagnosed last year and he’s ok with food, touch wood. He’ll try things and eats fruit and veg. Little girl was amazing ate everything but then it’s almost like one day at nursery she decided she was only going to eat beige things. And since then I cannot get her to expand her tastes. She used to eat strawberries, melons, broccoli, all sorts and now it’s just bread, pasta etc. I have no idea of the trigger but I’m so worried. I’m not the best in the kitchen so I will hold my hands up and say that my lack of kitchen skills has probably not helped but my eldest is fine. We’ve tried all sorts to help her but she just won’t try.

Second thing - they can’t and won’t ride a bike. Neither is interested and I cannot force them. Makes me feel a failure.

Thirdly - we don’t do a great deal as a family. We don’t do the lantern walks at Christmas or the pumpkin patches in October. My eldest is happier at home and so we’ve got into a cycle of staying at home a lot. I see other friends’ kids on social media having photos with Santa, seeing the lights being switched on, going for hot chocolates and cinema trips and I just feel like a crap parent. I sometimes do bits with the youngest but she’s happy at home with her brother and us.

There are more things I think that bother me but I cannot remember them right now. Please be kind I don’t need a bashing.

Don't judge yourself by the stuff that people post on social media!

OP believe me , from your description

YOU ARE DOING ALRIGHT! 💪🙌

Children have different preferences. That isn't down to parenting. Obviously it's important to keep encouraging your DD to try new foods.

I don't think there is any problem with being a homebody, some children are naturally inclined that way. Sometimes it also comes down to parental habits in the early years. You know, some parents cope better out and about to infant children and some cope better at home. Children naturally become comfortable with what is familiar to them.

In terms of bikes, I know children that haven't learnt until they're 9 or 10. Lots of children don't go out on bikes with friends as much as they used to a generation ago and that means there isn't the same incentive. I taught my 3YO to ride a pedal bike but mainly because it was more convenient for me to get about with two small children (one on a bike and one in a buggy).

im Gen X born 72 and my parents wouldn’t have known a ‘Pumpkin’ Patch’ if one got up and did the Conga in front of them !

we never had Xmas lights switchings ons and hot choc etc - nothing like that !

I could bore on about only 3 TV channels /drinking out of garden hosepipes and my mum smoking 30 Benson and Hedges a day - when I was in the womb no less leading me to spend 4; weeks in a special baby unit when I was born ! 🤣

seriously - the pumpkin and lights thing is just social media stuff - I won’t call it shite because that kind of thing can be enjoyable - but let’s face it - so can staying at home !

I don’t think you need to do the social media things for a second but I will go against the grain a bit and say I think children do need to experience a range of activities. I don’t mean anything fancy but just walks, parks, the national trust 99 things to do before you’re eleven and three quarters is a good starting point for example.

What do they do at home?

If your kids are happy then there's no problem. Get off social media!

My two always preferred to stay at home. We did the stuff that people do but they also liked being at home more. I think it's nice that it's a happy safe place for them.

Problem with colourful foods like fruits or vegetables is that they're unpredictable. Two grapes can look exactly the same, but one will be sweet and the other sour.

Maybe she's had a bad experience with a sour grape or similar, and now doesn't trust them?

Beige foods will look the same and be the same, and are more predictable and trustworthy.

DS has ASD. He would only eat beige food for years! But once he reached adulthood his tastes expanded a lot. He now finds beige food quite bland and needs to spice it up in some way if he does eat it. But he'll eat more or less anything now. He's also perfectly healthy, he's rarely been ill. Unlike poor DD who always ate really healthily but got ill all the time!

The bike thing really doesn't matter. If they're not into it then they're not. Mine had bikes but really only went through short phases of using them.

SM is a nightmare nowadays for parents I think. It wasn't around when mine were young and it just puts pressure on parents to do this and that. When I grew up and when I raised my own kids, we weren't out doing things all the time. Plus people only post when they have something to post. They're not going to bother when they just stay at home! So it's easy for it to look as if everyone else is always doing stuff.

If they're loved and happy then you're not a crap mum! Don't be so hard on yourself.

Just remember these are just phases with the food

I've only ever done a lantern walk once when dd1 was small. I don't remember it being particularly good & dd1 certainly won't remember it. Never done a pumpkin patch for either dd! At the end of the day your kids won't see other people's sm so they're unlikely to feel that they're missing out

Sounds completely normal for my kids - both autistic. I got a specialist bike teacher - really lucky that there was an autism friendly group that did this in my area and honestly, dd who has poor motor skills had it within two weeks.

With bikes, you need the right help. Get on your local group for children with autism - many of whom have motor skills issues too and ask for specialist bike help. Some people find trikes a lot easier.

Mine are always happiest at home - a lot of set piece events are endurance tests for them. My DDs are older and they can cope with theatre, cinema, lights etc. as long as not over scheduled but honestly, what they really like is reading, cooking and being at home. And that's ok, many of us are like that.

It was run by an ex PE teacher and she was absolutely brilliant.

They are autistic and all that is very common. My Autistic son won't go on a swing or a slide , he'd loose his mind if I mixed his food and he doesn't enjoy crowded places either

@OddBallNumber5 I'm a famous in my family terrible cook (inattentive, not great motor skills, it bores me) - I've found a lot of kids cookbooks (DK, national geographic, buddy oliver, bbc good food) have helped improve - things like home made meatballs where they get involved and most of the recipes have nothing too challenging texture and taste wise.

Mum guilt is real and many of us experience it. Try to reframe your thinking. You’re doing all you can to help them be happy and confident children, that’s amazing! Loads of kids are fussy eaters until closer to adulthood.

we all just do the best we can.

Never even heard of lantern walks and never taken my DCs to a pumpkin patch.

They are just very recent fads.

That isn't what good parenting is.

You sound fine.

Is a lantern walk just a post dinner walk in the dark with a torch looking for rabbits, birds, fairies, ghosts, stars, planets, the moon etc to wear them out? I've done that! Gold star for me 😂

This is the first time I’ve seen sour grape used in the literal rather than the figurative sense !

Yeah, god forbid my dd should find a squishy berry - she really really hates it.

Please don’t compare yourself to what you see on social media.
Me and my friends who have little ones the same age, have a running joke when we put photos up on SM that we take the piss saying “oh look at you posting the perfect family day out, go on tell us how many kick offs happened” because the photos 100% do not reflect the day. There will have been tantrums, food refusal, nap refusal etc. So please don’t worry about social media.

Thanks for the replies.

When we are at home the kids play on the Switch, do puzzles and colouring and eldest loves Lego. They’re not just vegging in front of a screen. We sometimes do baking or play board games. We may go to the park, cinema or a walk or see family. But we’re not doing all these fun things others seem to be doing!