Escorts and porn…

[35Emma]

Pretty sure I know the answer to my own dilemma but I’m so ashamed of the situation I can’t speak to anyone in real life until I’ve made a decision so am turning to you. I feel like once the cat is out of the bag there would be no going back - my friends and family would be disgusted and certainly expect me to leave.

I’ll try and keep it short. Been with DP 5 years. Have a teenager from my previous marriage and me and DP have a 1yo together. Very happy together but since baby was born I’ve barely had a good night’s sleep so am exhausted and have suffered with vaginal dryness that makes sex really painful - probably due to breastfeeding etc. We haven’t had sex for a few months now but have been open about it being a temporary problem due to circumstances. He had been very understanding.

He looks at porn. A lot. Noticed it on his internet history and have been keeping an eye on it for a
while without him knowing. Whilst checking up on him (looking at his old emails) I found out that he had messaged sex workers asking to meet up (before we were together and a couple of times during our relationship) but until today I couldn’t find any proof that he had actually met up with any of them. Now I know for certain he did before we met (found hotel booking that matched their conversation) but can’t prove he has met up with one since we got together, only seen messages during that time.

I’m devastated at the thought of having to break
up. This is not what I want at all but I just don’t know how I can get past this. I haven’t confronted him with it yet. I have only seen things on his iPad and know there is likely to be more on his phone but he never leaves it lying around. I want to ask him to hand it over without giving him a chance to delete anything but once I do, I’ll have to tell him everything I know.

The thought of ever being able to be intimate with him again repulses me so even if we go for counselling etc I don’t think we could ever rekindle a physical relationship. My heart breaks when I think of my gorgeous little 1yo having their little family broken up.

Has anyone ever been through this and been able to keep their relationship together?? I’m fairly sure it’s impossible to go back once someone has done this.

YABU - there is no going back
YANBU - it is possible to work through this

I couldn't go back 🥺, sorry op

If he is messaging them - he’s seeing them

I wouldn’t continue knowing this and I also wouldn’t ever want to.

Porn wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me personally but messaging escorts to meet, even if he never went through with it (although he almost definitely has gone through with it) would be absolute bags packed relationship over for me.

You don’t need his phone, you don’t need anything further, you know he has been messaging escorts to meet up- time to be open & honest, lean on your support system and leave.

I wouldn't be bothered about the porn, but I personally couldn't continue a relationship with someone who cheated on me, particularly in such a deliberate and calculating way. It's not like he went out, got drunk and made a terrible mistake. He's actively seeking women out for sex. For me, whether those women were escorts or women he was meeting through dating sites or women he already knew, this would end my relationship.

The porn would be a deal breaker for me even without him using escorts.
You and your children will be much better without this man.

Porn is icky, but not an issue.

The issue is with the escorts.

1. This is literally cheating. Even if we suppose that he never met up to have sex with them, those messages suggest an unrepentant desire to do so: furthermore, they suggest an entitlement to sex. It's really disturbing that he'd be willing to break your trust and betray the whole relationship for sex. No one dies without sex, he isn't owed it, and he can survive for a while without it.
2. Chatting with sex workers suggests a general disrespect of women. Obviously there is nothing shameful about being a sex worker - it's not the sex workers I have a problem with, it's the men who go to them. It's not really consensual if you have to pay, is it? Is this really the kind of man you want to raise your child?

Really sorry he did this to you.

This is what is troubling me so much - when I saw he had messaged a couple of escorts I thought it was just a little fantasy and that he wouldn’t / hadn’t ever done any more than send a message. I tried to turn a blind eye.

But today I found pretty concrete evidence that he definitely did before we met, so now I’m going to find it very hard to believe that he was only messaging them and would never actually do anything…

I think I’m going to have to confront him with all of this tonight, I don’t think I’ll be able to hide how I’m feeling whilst I try and work out what on earth I’m going to do next.

I keep thinking if it was the other way round and I was messaging men with saucy suggestions, he definitely wouldn’t be ok with it.

Good luck!

Seeing sex workers tends to be a lifelong habit. I would get yourself checked for STDs and work out how you can leave.

Totally agree. Any man who has messaged, or even googled, escorts has probably visited them. And if he's done it once he'll do it again.

I'm very sorry OP. Don't blame yourself. He's a disgusting, selfish pig who has ruined his marriage and his family. It's 100% his fault and nothing to do with you 'withholding sex'.

This. Please get checked and make plans to leave. He won't change, it's an addiction. Better to leave now whilst your LO is so young. Sorry you're going through this OP.

Oh love, what a horrible shock 😔 you do need to get yourself checked for STIs just in case. Please do reach out to family and friends for support, you will need it in the months to come.