… to want new friends?

[SashainLondon]

I am 30 and have lots of great friends - all from my school days. They all live locally in SW London, either renting rooms or living with parents and the vast majority of them are working for the NHS or in lower paid jobs. Some went to uni, some didn’t. None of them can afford to buy homes at the moment, neither can they afford luxury holidays etc. I love them all and spend a lot of time with them…

However…. I now find myself at 30 on a high six figure salary, owning a £1.5m home, being able to afford lovely things & planning on trying for a baby next year.

My friends are amazing women and I am so proud of them, but they can’t relate to my lifestyle or my “type” of issues. I feel like I’m not able to be myself and I am constantly holding myself back to avoid making them feel bad or uncomfortable e.g. I was embarrassed to tell them I was buying my house last year because I’m conscious that a lot of them would love to buy a place but can’t afford to do so, so I didn’t get to enjoy or celebrate that moment with any friends. I would also benefit from hearing/sharing advice and bouncing ideas off women in the same position as me e.g. how to balance a corporate career and motherhood, private schools, investments etc. at the moment I wouldn’t dream of telling my friends that I would consider private schools or investing in a second property etc. - so, for now, I’m using forums like these for advice!

AIBU to want to find a new (additional) group of friends that are at the same life stage and able to share in the same lifestyle and discussions that I have at the top of mind at this stage in my life? And if not unreasonable, then how and where do I find these women?

I have friends from work who are in similar positions to me but logistically live on the other side of or outside London and I also have a fear of oversharing with work colleagues. My neighbours are all a decade or so older than me and have older children already. My upbringing was working class so I am otherwise outside of all of these circles.

None of my achievements were physically gifted or inherited, yet I completely recognise my privilege to be in this situation and I do give back to my friends whenever I can e.g. paying for our days out, generous birthday gifts eg. concert tickets, happily going to cheaper events, restaurants and holidays to suit their budgets, happily giving life advice and careers help if asked - I even employ some of them that are between jobs and my home has an open door policy e.g. I have a friend who is staying with us now for a few weeks (she has her own key, I feed her, water her and host her and I am genuinely delighted to be able to do so.), so please no mean replies - I am trying my best - I just can’t help these feelings that I need to widen my circle...

Good God OP I can’t fathom being iron the salary you describe and being able to buy the property at the price you describe at 30 or even 40 - but

GOOD ON YOU OP 💪

YANBU - it’s never a good sign if you can’t be yourself with friends

I don't quite understand your question. If you want other friends, go ahead and make some. You are not tied in to your school friends for life and it is perfectly normal to acquire new ones along the way.
For what it's worth, though, if you genuinely like your friends, I see absolutely no reason to not talk about your life with them. My best friend and I are in vastly different salary brackets and, while I can't help her with investments (but she can help me!), we are certainly happy to talk about anything and everything. I was delighted when she bought her second property and we don't really find it so different managing parenthood as a corporate employee and NHS worker. Same shit, different setting.
Gently, you holding back is more of a you issue. And I feel a little sad that you seem to almost infantilise your friends as if they need protecting and can't handle the truth about your "privileged life". It's not really how I view my friends at all and I have friends who are extremely wealthy as well as friends who are single parents on minimum income and unemployed actors. We all rub along and find something interesting to talk about.

Your post could sound a bit twattish, but I am taking it in the spirit I think it's meant!

I'd start by saying, absolutely 100% start building friendships with women at work. those friendships don't have to start with intimate sharing of all your deepest dreams and desires, but these are people in a similar place to you and the chances are that longer term you will not be colleagues but rather peers, friends and a key part of your network. And frankly, in these sort of corporate jobs, you need that network - this is what men have been doing for 1000s of years, so please dont hold back. One of my oldest friends is from a job in my late 20s and I was just enjoying seeing some posts from a bunch of women who were a bit junior to me at my last corporate job who have maintained an absolute rock solid bond many years later and who have just been away for a pre-christmas jaunt.

The othe rbenefit of socialising with these women is that you will expand further your friendship group and network - they'll invite you out with their friends and vice versa and over time, it may be that you'll meet someone else entirely who you become close to.

If you are considering a child, the reality is that is also a gret way to meet people. And of course, ineivtably you meet local people who are therefore more likely ot have similar incomes and lifestyles and concerns (as I'm assuming your expensive house is not the only one in a sea of £200k council houses).

I would also remember that you are still quite young and that many of your school friends may well be behind you in their concerns, but actually, they could easily catch up down the line and that while they might not be going the corporate route you are, they may are likely ot experience a wide range of success in their lives and careers that will enrich all of your lives.

@Jumell thank you

@Catza Thanks. I have thought about whether I am the problem & I agree with you. I tend to be a people pleaser by nature & end up bending over backwards to make everyone feel comfortable even if it’s not needed or at my own expense, so probably should just be myself instead of shielding my friends.

I really do internalise the tuts when I’m late to weekday plans because I’ve had to work late, comments that my sickness is my own fault for working too much or scoffs when I mention planning an extension to my house - my interpretation from all that was that they think I’ve lost sight of the real world, so I then try to only speak about things that they can relate to - but maybe, as you say, that’s on me.

On the contrary, my partner, his friends and my work friends all talk about similar things and all seem to just “get it” without me having to explain or justify myself - I wanted a group like that for myself where I don’t have to censor myself but didn’t know where to start to find those people.

@OhBling thanks, it was inevitable that someone would think I’m a twattish but I appreciate the insight though and will look to invest moreso in my work relationships. I’m lucky that I work with lots of women around the same age so should use that to my advantage.

I can't imagine why people would possibly think you are BU, or that you could sound like a twat. It's not as though you're looking down on your old friends or feeling as though you've 'outgrown' them. Essentially you're asking if it's okay to make new friends after school, and of course it is! Most people do! And the other part of your q is if it's okay to want to be friends with people who have a lot in common with you and again, yes, of course, nothing could be more normal.

As to how to make them...is there any sort of professional networking group/s for your career/industry- either women focused or more general? That might avoid the issue of sharing too much with work colleagues while still having a lot in common. Do you have any hobbies? Joining a group, whether wine tasting, yoga classes, book club, are always a good way of meeting people. If you want to meet other professionals maybe join a more expensive gym. If you went to uni, are you still in touch with anyone from there? Even if you've lost touch, lots of people would love catching up again. Does your uni have any alumni events/groups?

I would also imagine if you do get pregnant then NCT and baby groups would be a good way of meeting new friends at the same life stage, similar age and likely background, depending on the types of classes you go to - random baby group in a church hall or baby swim classes at the local lido/council pool or toddler groups at the local library might have a more mixed group (not saying you shouldn't give those a try as well), more expensive or specialist classes might have people in similar professions/salaries to yours. The beauty of baby groups is that you can try as many as you want and don't have to be limited to your exact local area - if you're in London you'll be spoiled for choice!

Then as your children grow up you probably will get to know parents at their school as well which will open up a new social circle.

Basically just be open to making new friends as you go through life and don't feel disloyal to your old friends for making new ones. It's unlikely any friend will tick all your boxes - some might share interests but have a completely different background, some might be at a similar lifestage but you otherwise don't have much in common, some could share your passion for peruvian flower arranging or Dungeons & Dragons or whatever but be 20 years older or younger, some (like your school friends) could have a shared history and similar upbringing...variety is the spice of life!

Good friends are rare though & you should cherish the ones you have. Plus you won’t find that many 30 yr olds on 500k particularly ones you click with.

Your work is likely to be the best place to find them

It must be blindingly obvious to your friends that you have tons more money than them, so I won't bother trying to protect them! Talk about the life you have and the decisions you're making. They may be interested and have really useful input even if they are in a different position themselves.
Don't make them 'other' than you. They are the same friends you always had even though their circumstances are different.
And sure, make other friends if you want to. You might seek them out in expensive gyms if you're mostly just meeting colleagues at the moment.

Thanks for the practical advice @another1bitestheduck, all great ideas!