To refuse to buy, receive and wrap anyone else's gifts ever again

[drspouse]

We already have issues with DM, this year these include

• Making it impossible for me to discipline DD (10) when she is with us
• Shouting at DS who does not take kindly to shouting and gets really dysregulated
• Sending millions of very long messages to me (Whatsapp) and DD (email) and then telling us she isn't buying DD a Christmas present because she was rude (she was, indeed, rude, but she's 10 and doesn't understand that if someone sends you multiple email messages a day and asks why you aren't responding, you just ignore them, you don't say "leave me alone"

DF and one set of relatives are also guilty of this however, DM and DF live separately and are retired, the other set of relatives is the godparent family and have one adult child at home, DW of that family doesn't work though the adult child has health needs.
All of these individuals ask us what the DC want (in general this isn't a bad idea, but it's open ended "what do they want" rather than "select from this list" or "here's our budget", order to be sent to our house and expect us to wrap them. They are all "too busy" or "postage costs too much" if they get things sent to them. DM sent me a very long message I didn't understand about a gift for DD about how she couldn't pay for it - not a finance issue - she buys everything from Ebay and "there's only one left" and can she pay me back.
I occasionally get things sent as a gift directly to relatives but in general purchase to be sent to us and wrap them myself and post them.
I work and have two preteen children one of whom has SEN. DH is retired, TBF, but this started long before he retired and he cares for DS, runs both children around, keeps the house going and does all the DIY (old house that keeps glitching!).
DS has a Jan birthday and I suspect that his presents will be selected and sent in the same manner (except they will possibly not be sent before his birthday).

At what point do I say no more, no buying or wrapping anyone else's gifts...

When asked what gifts you kids want - just reply that vouchers for xx are always appreciated, as is a cash gift. Given most vouchers are emailed these days, there will be no wrapping.

Absolutely. It’s a total pain. However your much wider issue is their behaviour around your children and this needs managing by you. Maybe change your DD’s email address or block them from contacting her and simply state that contact is causing stress for everyone concerned so we will wait until the DC are older.

Can you just say let's just stop exchanging gifts? That way you won't have to buy for them ever again?

And sorry, did you say they expect you to POST some of the gifts too?

I remember dreading opening emails from my dad and wishing I never had to again. Every reply had to be carefully crafted and redrafted.

You need to stop any email correspondence between your dm and your dd. She is 10, she shouldn't have to have the burden of keeping up that correspondence and be guilted for not replying soon/frequently/correctly.

Tell your dm all emails cease now. Dd will send her a card at certain pre-agreed special occasions, that's it. The card will say "dear grandma... love Jane" only.

Edit as it is dm not mil

Don't rush in to rescue dm. If she says she can't buy a gift or can't afford it or whatever "oh that's a shame, never mind I'm sure dd can live without it." The end

No, thankfully - I buy, wrap, and post their gifts to them, my DM had the cheek to complain that she "wasn't allowed" to come and visit and pick up the gifts herself.

My DF is much more chilled as are the other relatives and they are welcome to come more or less any time! We tried Christmas at DF house but the DCs are more comfortable at ours and it shows, and DF prefers to be at his house which is reasonable.

It's my DM, but don't worry, I just ignored it as it was a series of page long Whatsapps sent on a work day and my phone's always on DND!

Have discussed the email issue with DH and he's suggesting just filtering DM's emails to DD. She'll still Whatsapp me (which I'll ignore) and then email DH (he's very very terse but polite) to ask why she isn't replying, but we are adults.

I'm with you on all except your second point. Sometimes (not always but sometimes) kids need to be shouted at. Whether they get disregulated or not, that's their own fault for misbehaving. My child has ASD and hates shouting and I only do so if absolutely necessary but sometimes it is!

It's not your DM's job though.

Yanbu

I've had this for the past few years myself - no more.

Friggin piss takers

Just put them under the tree in the amazon packages - the kids won't care

Don't answer any qus about presents until they give a budget

Block DM from DD's email

He does need to understand that sometimes adults get cross and shout and how to cope with it.
When I'm deliberately ignoring his delay at doing something because giving him attention makes him delay more... No. Not the time to shout.

If you can't physically stop the amazoning of presents straight to your house, you could get a set of their assorted gift bags to put the boxes in. Saves you dicking around wrapping other people's presents but looks a bit more festive than delivery boxes under the tree.
'D'M doesn't sound like a healthy person to be around though, do you think you could scale context back?

she's 10 and doesn't understand that if someone sends you multiple email messages a day and asks why you aren't responding, you just ignore them, you don't say "leave me alone"

Actually I have to disagree with you on this one. "Leave me alone" isn't rude in of itself. Abrupt -yes. Lacking in diplomacy and tact possibly, but rude, no. So unless there's more that your DD has said, she is naturally setting out her boundaries, which is a good thing. Please don't tell her off for having boundaries - they are vital, and it's sounds as if she has good instincts. Your DD is being overwhelmed with messages, help her by putting a block in place.

As to the presents - absolutely agree with others, ask for cash or vouchers. Alternatively they could pay for a term's worth of after school activities / hobby, eg football club.

Just put them under the tree in the amazon packages - the kids won't care

This is really good advice...I needed to hear this last week. My own dm lives abroad and so orders stuff straight to us because the air mail postage costs more than the gifts. You're so right, I could have just stuck a rosette ribbon thing on each amazon parcel and job done. I've wrapped them now but it took forever!

With the size of the box that has come for DD, I am definitely going to have to do that - no way will it fit in a gift bag!
(It is a present she asked for, which we approved of, and which is to replace a much loved toy that wore out - so the present itself is fine!)

These were the kind of thing I meant @drspouse , rather than the traditional card ones with handles.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Christmas-Drawstring-Gift-Bags-Reusable/dp/B09H2MFCG7/ref=sxin_22_pa_sp_phone_search_thematic_sspa?
I don't have too much to wrap myself but if I got lumbered with all the family wrapping too I'd definitely be getting something similar as an easy option.

We family made an agreement years ago that we would not exchange gifts again. Ah, the relief!

Rule #1, don't gift wrap anything ever again. Get a selection of reusable gift bags (Amazon). Game changer.

Just stop wrapping and posting present yourself that you send. They clearly don’t care about your time. Buy something really fiddly to wrap!

I would stop the emails to your DD from DM if she is going to be told off in them. Kids today are growing up with all this communication and don’t see the need to respond right away. Particularly if there wasn’t a question asked.

I'd knock the communication expectations on the head. I "aunt" to a lot of teens and regard messages/email as an invitation to interact that can and will be ignored.

If I need a reply e.g what is your christmas list. I make it explicit. And I'll usually send a couple of messages before i resort to trying to inveigle parental input (or sometimes there is a reliable sibling who can prompt). At least one teen has had a less than stellar "treat" day with me as they ignored my requests to look at the options in time to book stuff that sells out. Announcing on eurostar that you want to go up the eiffel tower leads to disappointment as it operates via booked time slots.

WRT your gripes about gifts there is probably wiggle room on both sides. As a gift giver it is incredibly helpful if kids have a list of stuff across a range of budgets to give me. Easier for me. Less disappointing for them. If they don't I try to get them something they will like but it isn't always reliable.

My SIL (who is usually kindness itself) passively aggressively buys her nieces who don't get their list to her early enough book tokens which would absolutely NOT be their choice.

OMG these bags are a brilliant idea!! I have friends and relatives with much older children now that want things like Airbnb gift vouchers, Xbox vouchers etc and these are great little bags to pop these in! Never seen them before but they are great! Thanks!

DM has sent me money which is nice but mildly disappointing as she usually sends loads of random tat to unwrap (I love unwrapping!). But I shall use it to buy the things DH hasn't bought me.

DF appears to have sent me nothing as he actually wrapped presents for the DCs (astonishing).

No communication from the other relatives so they will either send something, or not, we'll see.

I asked DM for a recipe for something she always made when we were children, but after I asked I found it in an email which also included a PA statement about "everyone hates me, wish they'd tell me instead of just ignoring me". But then DM replied via Whatsapp saying she couldn't remember this dish at all. So now I'm worried about her memory (she is early 80s and has been very active - she is actually visiting DB and the DNs just now). At least she isn't pretending she remembers.