Friends attempts to 'rose tint' and take no accountability

[ThelittleBee]

I just want to know if I should constructively talk to my friend about her recent decision making, or if I just leave her to blissfully carry on blaming everyone else for her short comings? For context, this friend recently moved overseas with her partner and she has a background of mild autism which she mostly finds she can cope with day to day but it can effect her judgement in social situations. Recently she has been fired from two jobs, both of which gave her the feed back that she wasn't a good fit due to trying to question/ change policies and procedures as a new starter still in her trial period. She has also encouraged her partner to apply for jobs in corporate sales settings where he has expressed finding it stressful and out of his comfort zone for work, but she has told him and us that if he climbs the ladder he will financially be way better off then any of his previous jobs, so he keeps at it. Problem is he is now being fired (also 2nd time) and she keeps telling him/ us/ family that each job has been 'not ready for logical thinkers with ideas, they want desk robots'. Which is kind of true, but I feel like she lacks the understanding sometimes to see her place at work. She has also recently had to break two leases and has moved between 3 different tenancys in 5 months. The first she left because she changed the hardware in the bathroom and installed a 'better' showerhead and taps with out asking landlords permission (he also lived there). The second place she said she didn't feel safe living there because one of the housemates knocked on her bedroom door at night to ask her to move her car so he could get out to go to work. I could go on but I feel like my friend could use some practical advice but she has a tendency to feel attached. She doesn't have the best relationship with her partners family and keeps feeding them lines such as 'well we got offered promotions in better jobs because they could see our wasted potential at last job!' or 'We found a place much closer to work and with more privacy so we decided to make the move!.' I worry all this glossing over and rose tinting means she is denying herself support that could genuinely help her? Maybe its not my place? I dont know, advice please.

I have a friend like this, although quite a bit worse. She's completely deluded and has been doggedly pursuing a path in life which is getting her nowhere. But it's the rest of the world's fault, never hers.

I have tried to offer advice. She doesn't want to hear it.

She's your friend so only you'll know how she will take unsolicited advice.

I think the consensus you will get on here will be "stay out of it" and it may well be right. Your friend will possibly just shoot the messenger.

Some people grow up in drama filled households and recreate pointless drama and turmoil for themselves as adults. Sounds like she is going to sabotage her partners career for the sake of bringing him on her crazy journey. I don’t think there’s anything you can do and eventually you will get tired of being a sounding board

She talks a lot about work so Im hoping I may organically may be able to just chime in with some tips, she has said in the past she values my feedback and trusts my judgement as someone who knows about her autism and how it can effect her. Her biggest problem is I think she has a tendency to be a little overambitious and pushes her partner the same way. He kind of just goes with the flow and plods along but we don't understand why she's pushing him/ he's perusing a career he cant hold down? Her area of work shes also relativelt inexperienced in so I feel shes rubbing her managers/ team up the wrong way by going in and wanting to 'stream line' policys and create new procedures ect. I think she is really setting herself on the back foot but she just doesn't see it.

I don't want to generalise at all but my cousin and I are autistic and we both went through periods of similar behaviour in our younger years. It's a coping mechanism. On one end, you are used to everyone being always slightly pissed off with you so you try to minimise any troubles in your life when talking to others and make it so you feel some sense of control over your circumstances. On the other hand, you never quite fully fit in and learn the rules of the game so you go in full force with your "logical ideas" just to be told to slow down and play nicely. After a few rounds of failure in jobs, relationships, living arrangements, you build your own world in your head just to protect yourself.
I had a lot of learning, support and scaffolding in my twenties to have overcome this and I am functioning really well now. My cousin, who is in his thirties, hasn't had the same support (and is more severely affected) and he is still behaving in the same way as your friend.
I understand your concern. You are right to be concerned but pushing her to come clean is only going to make matters worse.

Catza - What kind of support did you find helpful?

I appreciate some insight from someone who has a better view from her perspective. She's in her 30's and I believe she went threw similar before she moved away and was almost looking for the grass to be greener and was using the excuse that her field of work was too underdeveloped where she lived previously. Unfortunately she was raised by her gran who from what I have gathered has tendencies to pillow her and not actually tell her that she may have stepped out of line although not intentionally. It makes sense though why she may tend to rose tint the truth so it sits more comfortably with her own narrative. I just worry she's going to rinse and repeat and not actually ever learn the lesson to find a good balance in future.

whatever you say…. it will have bugger all impact

I understand why you’re concerned but this isn’t your problem to fix, it’s hers. I

f she asks you what she should do differently/why she has these issues that would be different but she hasn’t. Changing your perspective on the challenges you face is a big shift so would need to come from her and be something she wanted.

Doesn't sound like her autism is that mild, does it?

She never asks me for advice directly, but will often fire questions my way such as ...'I mean have you ever heard of such a brain dead manager!? No innovation or room for taking on actually advice to better the business!' to which I try and get a quick pointer in such as 'well I bet it felt that way, but not all businesses are looking for the next Steve Jobs to come in and save the business with genius new ideas, some just want an employee who can keep it ticking along nicely'.
She kinda lets it soak in for a second but once or twice she has actually asked if its her. I have told her in the past that she should talk to a counsellor who specializes in helping with career coaching for autistic folk but she's a bit too wrapped up with all this moving and job hunting at the moment. She also has put down a deposit for a new build apartment which has ran over estimated construction time (as they do) and believes she's fully in her right to have the contractors pay her rent for every week they run over, she also believes that she can move in once the first three floors of this high rise apartment block are complete and they will just keep on working above her. I explained to her that it wouldn't be possible for her to move into a very active construction site but she doesn't seem to understand why and believes her experience in compliance tells her otherwise.

Moving away might be a good opportunity for her to figure things out. It's not a quick process but I am keeping my fingers crossed for her.
Then again, she may never learn. But in either case, there is nothing you can do to change it so please just be there in a non-judgmental way.

Has she ever read the book "Surrounded by Idiots" by Thomas Erikson?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Surrounded-Idiots-Behaviour-Understand-Understood/dp/1785042181

It might help her to understand her colleagues a bit better, and reflect on where she fits into a team and why her own behaviours might rub others the wrong way. All without you actually having to explicitly suggest that she is the problem.

Thats a great suggestion! Shes actually coming to stay for christmas which is why I thought I would ask for advice

In fairness there are some really appalling employers and jobs out there. Maybe she has been right to try and change things for the better?

Is she financially independent or financially supported by family?

I don't think you should try and solve the glossing over, but you can point out the reality of any situation she is discussing. Eg. Well it does seem like a reasonable thing for your housemate to do if you'd blocked them in. What else were they supposed to do?
You won't 'fix' her, but gradually and without her ever admitting it, she might take things on board for future situations.

I’d stay out of it because she won’t change but I know someone just like this - especially the moving three times in a few months, which she’s also done. Pretends to be an online millionaire from writing a really rubbish substack that she started three months ago (if she’s coining it in from that then I’ve been doing something wrong all these years). She also has been fired multiple times but believes it’s because they can’t handle her bluesky thinking and that she could run their company with her eyes closed and they are jealous. Also into MLMs and seems to have a very loose relationship with the truth.

She is pretty independent financially, she inherited a fair bit back when her father died so that was enough to set her up with the deposit for the small one bed apartment in the new build. She also worked really hard in the summer months clipping horses on the side as a sort of side gig and managed to top her savings up with that. I totally get that some employers out there are just plain mean and don't deserve creative new workers, but when its almost every job I start to feel like she cant see the bigger picture. The job she left before moving away she tried to take to tribunal as she claimed bullying and harassment after they gave her a second warning for stepping outside of her role. She is a very sweet natured timid girl but for some reason she just rubs people up the wrong way when it comes to work and her partners family. She has regular counselling but when I ask her about it her response is that her counselor affirms her beliefs and agrees about all the shit jobs and houses ect.

It sounds like she enjoys being a victim and no matter what advice she gets she'll just keep going as she is. She isn't your responsibility, best to stay out of it all, let her vent if she wants but don't get involved.

Mild autism?

Really, that's a bit like saying a "wee bit pregnant".

Hmmmmm......