To say he didn't handle it well?

[CoveredinCrap]

Got back from the work Xmas party - left at 6pm as I have work events on Wed and Thursday and clear DH felt was unfair for him to do 3 x bedtimes in a row.

Came home to DH swinging open the door stating "not good, the little shits have been hitting DS again"

DS is 5 and being picked on at school. DS is autistic by the way. the school have been pretty bad and keep saying it's sorted and then DS tells us stuff is happening. But also, it's clear that DS is also hitting too. V hard to establish what exactly is going on & who is doing what but it's not good.

Anyway - I know it's hard but I have a real issue with DH reaction & now we've had a big falling out. He was interviewing DS "why aren't you telling me exactly what happened" "who hit who" "who did what" etc until DS is just saying 'yes' to everything and just wants "please daddy stop asking me questions".

DH slams cutlery down on table. Being totally crazy & intense with everyone. The kids were geting even more riled up.

We are both stressed as our younger son is having issues at nursery. And I might be made redundant next year and I'm the main earner in the house. Just for context.

I said to DH after bedtime we need to handle it more calmy - he's shouted at me "why you always go for the low hanging fruit, telling me off, you just always want to turn everything into my fault" - really shouting.

He was saying "my son is being hit by other kids every day and i'm emotional and you're guilting me for having an emotional reaction"

He said I don't have any emotions & i'm weird - but I just remain calm for DS. He makes me feel like i don't care about DS becaues I'm not slamming the cutlerly on the table or saying i'm going to storm into the school and shout at the headmistress.

i understand it's emotional but surely we have to remain calm for DS? and also, i said to DH that a ND 5 year old is never going to be able to give us a blow by blow account of who said what, who hit who, and we need to support him and talk to teachers -not integorate the poor kid!

Is he over=reacting or am i under-reacting?

This isn't the major issue but the bit about him resenting doing 3 bedtimes in a row jumped out at me. Is this a big problem for him to do more of the childcare? Does he work full time but just earns less than you?

He does sound like he's resentful about his place in the set up, which doesn't bode well.

Christ he sounds intense. You won't have a productive conversation whilst emotions run high though. You need a proper conversation when everything is calm and the kids are not around.

His emotions run high whenever I try to tall about anything. He is so defensive. He thinks I'm some sort of robot because when the kids are around I'm v calm and that's he's "allowed to get emotional" but I don't thinks it's fair to be flailing around the place with 2 young kids in the room. It's like his emotions are more important than our kids!!

He's upset because your son is being hit and he doesn't know what to do. So you need to acknowledge that because he feels as a man he should know how to solve it.

He needs reassurance and then the two of you need a plan to support your child. Right now he thinks you're not supporting him and he may see it as taking sides against him. The reason you need to support him first is because you'll otherwise be in conflict when you need to work together.

I know it's hard and I know it's on you, but you both need to be vulnerable so you can work it out together.

I do understand that @MyrtleStrumpet but I've got an upset 5 year old who is being bullied, a 3 year old who seems to have a tantrum every 2 mins and I work full time and all the bills fall to me - and I just don't have it in me to then comfort and reassure DH too. He isn't being reassuring to me. He's shouting and banging things on the table and it's like I have 3 people's emotions to settle. It's not fair. And I'm exhausted.

My ex was like this. Any difficulty resulted in shouting and flouncing about but he never did anything practical to improve whatever situation had caused him to flounce. All noise and no action. He used to call me the ice queen. I wasn't. I was calm and weirdly the more irate he got the calmer I got. Suffice to say I left him. He was a grown up and I didn't see why I should have to regulate his emotions and deal with everything else too.

@Barney16 indeed. He's been ranting "ill call the school. I'll tell them what's going on. I said "sure, you call them tomorrow then" and he paused for a second and said "how do I do that then?".

He wants to show how much he cares by slamming plates or storming from room to room but nothing else

And yes I find the same I get calmer when he gets crazy. And then he says I'm a robot and "not his fault he cares".

Following this one to see if there’s any tips. I have had so many conversations with DH about how as soon as he gets shouty both DDs just clam up and stop communicating, but he just shouts about whys it always his fault.

i wouldn’t leave DH for three nights in a row doing bedtimes because it’s not fair on our DDs to have to be looked after by a stressed out adult.

I totally get it OP (although don’t have solutions). I think you’re right to highlight to him that it’s better to role model calmness, but give him a day or two for it to sink in, particularly if he’s worried about solo parenting the next few nights.

@CoveredinCrap does he know the name of their teacher? My ex was going to go in or complain but then realised he didn't know what class they were in. 😕

@Barney16 ha ha..he should know the name but never seems to remember! He will blame work for the next couple of days saying he didny have time to call and then he'll forget all about it and then the next time something goes wrong at school he'll start shouting about calling the school again