Just turned 39 and suddenly want a third baby

[snowbellsundersnow]

I already have two DC aged 8 and 4, but suddenly have an urge to have one last baby. I can’t stop thinking about it.

We could afford it and I’d love to do it all one more time but is this mad? Is it my age? Is this my body trying to get me to have one last child before the door closes?

Anyone been in this position and what did you do?

It’s definitely your hormones, and they can be pretty convincing. I had the same at your age, decided not to act on it and by 41 the urge completely disappeared and I am sooo happy I never went along with it. I feel like I brained washed myself for a couple of years and then I snapped out of it just like that. Weird!

Or if they have high needs?

All of this ^^ plus GCSEs x 3, A levels x 3 (if you are in England or Wales), supporting (financially) through university x 3.

You are currenty in the middle of the easiest stage of bringing up children. Never underestimate how hard it is to emotionally support even the easiest teenager. A hug and a kiss won't make the soured friendship or bully go away or make exams any easier.

And never underestimate how expensive teenagers are. Apart from clothes and food they will each want a mobile and need a laptop or similar device for homework.

Even easy teenagers cost a lot financially and emotionally.

I had my 4th and last at 39.
She is now 15 and I am 54 and not exactly hobbling round on a Zimmer frame FFS!
I have never for one moment regretted having her.

Only do this if you have a lot of money, a lot of help and a rock solid marriage.

Another point - I had DD later in life and, while all of my peers are retired, I am still working in order to financially support her higher education and be able to be guarantor for rented student accommodation. Her course is not compatible with working as she will be having placements as well as studying.

I had this urge, lasted for a few months and then peri menopause landed with a bang. I assume it's some evolutionary quirk to be honest.

We have four children, my DP has had a vasectomy as we're both adamant we didn't want any more. Yet every time I saw a newborn those pangs came for months. Logically speaking I couldn't have thought of anything worse than another baby and DEFINITELY don't want another. Glad that phase is over 🤣

I had the same feelings at that age and it was overwhelming. A couple years later and I am really glad I didn’t have a third and fully content with my two. As they get older, the dynamics change and it’s nice to have some of that freedom back again.

I had my second at 37 and my third DC at 42. All wonderful, having three is lovely. My older ones are now in the teenage years, we're all good and feel immensely blessed with the lot of them.

You won't get a definitive answer here. People who have done it are not going to admit to you that they made a horrible mistake; people who didn't do it will never admit to you that they now feel bereft and disappointed with their lot. Unhelpful I know, but only you can know if you really really want another child or whether the risks to your personal status quo are too great.

Best answer @Floatlikeafeather2

I've been through this at a younger age of 36/37. My twins were coming out of the baby stages and I guess I felt like I was losing part of my identity. I've been backwards and forwards with this decision for a while and recently lost all interest in having another.

I saw outnumbered (the tv program) was having a revival and looking at the teenagers - I just thought, eventually they're all going to leave anyway and have their own families. It made me question my identity and all the other things I had in my life.

Kids are for giving. There are no guarantees as you probably know already.

Do people really make huge life changing decisions based on what anonymous people on the internet think?

I think it depends on so many factors. I always wanted three, planned my future around three etc. I have two, and I'm 33 and could have a third logistically but I have ultimately decided against it. My youngest is autistic, and although he will be able to live independently and is doing well in school etc, he is behind his peers and I spend a lot of time helping him to catch up which then gives me guilt about not spending enough time with my eldest, so I make that time up - and then if I brought a baby into the mix, they both lose out on my time and attention when I struggle to distribute it evenly. The other reasons sound really silly, but we work hard to be able to afford to take them away yearly and most holidays we seem to come across are catered to a family of 4, and I wouldn't want to give that up for me or for them. The biggest reason, is that due to my son's autism I worry that if my next child had higher needs than my son that we would all struggle and my mental health can be quite severe also.

These are just my personal situations and reasons and of course everyone on the thread will differ, I just wanted to share Incase any of this information helped you at all. X

This.

Not for me as I had three by early 30s but I know many 39 year old mothers who appeared very happy - whether they were having their first or their 6th even when those babies were teens many still seemed happy.

Is you age an issue for you and your DP/DH and do you really want a third child?

I have 2 and now surprise pregnant with third and delighted (after panic and shock!) I think it feels right and I know I will be ‘done’ when baby is here.

as someone has mentioned I’m going to send DH for the snip as we are both mid 30s and I do predict my body trying to convince me to have another later!!!

My hormones and heart both scream ‘YOU’LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN’, but I’m 43.

It’s always good to get different perspectives, even on life changing decisions. Sometimes it’s even better to ask strangers than people who are in some way invested or not objective.

I’ve got two and we are sticking at two. I look at my mum now and she basically ping-pongs back and forth between me and my brother helping us out with all sorts (we are ‘40s) - not in a mean way - she loves it- and I’m sort of glad I don’t have to share her with a further sibling 🤣

Plus when we got married she added two more honorary children to her brood, and now she has 4 grandchildren all of whom she is close to and spends loads of time with. When I think of this I’m so glad I’m replicating her dynamic of two children, as it’s what I’d love for the future. Big enough loving family but not so big that anyone gets left out or less attention.

My kids have cousins who they are close to for those times when a big gang is called for but they also get to come home and have loads of attention and quiet time.

I’m sure you could have all of this with three also, but I think two children is a lovely set up and probably easier than three, even in the very long run.

Yes do it!

I wish I could do 4 and 8 again. I’m in the midst of two teens and it’s so hard. Life is so pressured for them these days and it’s such a competitive world out there now. I find it much more draining and stressful than the early years of primary school.

The most annoying thing I hear from friends is having to buy a new car, paying for another bed at hotels and holidays. Many say life is set up for two kids, not three or more!

But only you know OP. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I felt this, I'd turned 40 by the time I fell pregnant. One more was twins! Happy and healthy and now 5 years old xx

I’m feeling that urge too. It’s like last chance saloon feeling. I have two DD’s 17&15 but have always wanted 3. Would be crazy with such a big age gap, wouldn’t it?

I felt that recently too at 38, and it was hormone related. Turns out I'm peri-menopausal. All okay and things have settled down now I've started HRT. I regained my senses.

I wonder if other mums who had children v young also have these hormonal urges. Just because I had mine in my late teens, and have teenagers, and although I was broody until they were about ten, parenting teens dampened the urge somewhat (totally , I can’t imagine how I would ever cope!)?