I currently live with my partner and his twin brother. My partner and I met a year before they bought a house together. We got serious quickly and wanted to settle down, but he was already in the process of buying a house with his brother—a plan they had been working on for years, saving for a deposit, going to viewings, and making offers. When their offer was accepted, I realized I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the situation. At 33, I wanted children soon and a home of our own.
I expressed my concerns, but my partner explained that he had promised to help his brother buy a house and couldn’t break that promise. He said it was only for three years; after that, they would sell, and we’d get a place together. A few months later, COVID hit, and I moved in so we could be together during restrictions. At first, it was tense—I felt like an outsider, his brother resented my presence, and their family and friends seemed to downplay our relationship. It was all about “the twins,” and I was on the sidelines.
After a few difficult months, I moved out, and my partner and I nearly broke up. But life outside the relationship was lonely, and my partner worked hard to win me back. His effort made me realize how much he loved and cared for me, which deepened my love for him. We reconciled, and my relationship with his brother improved. A year later, I became pregnant.
However, things became strained again after our baby was born. His brother became overly involved, giving unsolicited advice, acting like an expert, and making comments about being a “second dad.” Even their mother made a hurtful remark implying my child could just as easily have been his brother’s. His brother would talk about my DD to others as if she were his, saying he could “experience fatherhood” through her. This upset me—I chose my partner to have a baby with, not his brother.
I wanted to move out but found it overwhelming with a newborn. Over time, things improved slightly as my DD grew older. His brother plays with her a lot, which I appreciate, but he often oversteps, trying to parent her in my presence—worrying about her meals or hydration when that’s our responsibility. Sometimes I address it, but other times I’m too tired, which likely sends mixed signals. Constantly reminding him is exhausting.
Now, I’m pregnant with our second child, and my desire to move has intensified. The dynamic between the twins is difficult to navigate—they work together, have always lived together, share friends, and even have a joint bank account (while my partner and I don’t). Small things add up, like Christmas cards addressed only to them or joint presents for their family, which leaves me feeling excluded.
While his brother helps with our DD and my partner relies on him for support, it frustrates me that my partner hasn’t fully experienced solo parenting. This lack of experience made him less empathetic when I struggled early on. Recently, his brother sent me an article about foods to avoid for children, something I doubt he’d send to other parents. I can’t tell if I’m being overly sensitive due to pregnancy or if my feelings are valid.
I don’t feel like we’ve had time to bond as a family of three—it often feels like it’s either me and my DD, or me alone while my partner and his brother bond with her. My partner understands how I feel and has agreed that we’ll move out this year. Still, I can’t help but wonder: am I being too harsh, or are my feelings reasonable?