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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I ask my FIL to wash himself?

15 replies

BB49 · 10/12/2024 14:01

I had to take him to an appointment the other day and had my head out of the window the whole drive, trying to stop myself from retching at the smell. He’s 86 with no personal hygiene (not a new or age related thing) and added to that is unable to wash properly using the shower as he has a wound on his leg from an operation for a skin growth which he can’t get wet. He is meant to be coming over Christmas to us but I’m not sure any of us including extended family will be able to cope with the smell.

OP posts:
PromoJoJo · 10/12/2024 14:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

FannyFernackerpants · 10/12/2024 14:04

Does he have the facilities and ability to wash himself?
It sounds like he is struggling massively with his leg wound/age and could probably do with some help.
You can buy wipes that people use for camping when showers are not available if he would be prepared to use those.

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/12/2024 14:04

I agree. Get his son/daughter to deal with it.

CatsndtheBear · 10/12/2024 14:06

The adult bathing wipes on Amazon are amazing. They are huge and thick and do a really good job if someone is struggling.

That paired with a good wash of his clothes will sort him out short term.

I agree your DH should be gently telling him though, and hand him the wipes.

flipflop76 · 10/12/2024 14:07

You can get something called a limbo to cover wounds or anything that can't get wet so people can still shower. If you google limbo covering, you should find them. His own son / daughter should be broaching it though.

JingleB · 10/12/2024 14:10

I've got a pretty blunt relationship with my FIL - self defence for his very blunt way of speaking more than anything - so I would tackle it head on.

"Colin, you've got a bit of a pong about you. Can you make sure you've showered before I take you next time? Would you like me to take some of your washing if you're finding it a challenge to keep on top of it?"

Brisk and no nonsense rather than apologetic or beating around the bush. Eldest DS (adult with additional needs) sometimes needs telling when he needs a wash, so I might be more accustomed to saying something than most.

Original poster
BB49 · 10/12/2024 14:24

JingleB · 10/12/2024 14:10

I've got a pretty blunt relationship with my FIL - self defence for his very blunt way of speaking more than anything - so I would tackle it head on.

"Colin, you've got a bit of a pong about you. Can you make sure you've showered before I take you next time? Would you like me to take some of your washing if you're finding it a challenge to keep on top of it?"

Brisk and no nonsense rather than apologetic or beating around the bush. Eldest DS (adult with additional needs) sometimes needs telling when he needs a wash, so I might be more accustomed to saying something than most.

Love this - I'll pass this on to DH to use!

OP posts:
Wheelyfast · 10/12/2024 15:35

Tell him (or his child should) , ppl become noseblind to themselves & their surroundings .
Viroewall wipes are very effective and cheap

purplecorkheart · 10/12/2024 15:37

Is his wound being regularly dressed and checked. It could be a nasty infection. I know a doctor who can identify certain skin infections by being in the same room as the person who has the infection.

Blushingm · 10/12/2024 15:39

BB49 · 10/12/2024 14:01

I had to take him to an appointment the other day and had my head out of the window the whole drive, trying to stop myself from retching at the smell. He’s 86 with no personal hygiene (not a new or age related thing) and added to that is unable to wash properly using the shower as he has a wound on his leg from an operation for a skin growth which he can’t get wet. He is meant to be coming over Christmas to us but I’m not sure any of us including extended family will be able to cope with the smell.

Get him a LimbO or similar so he can shower?

Ace56 · 10/12/2024 15:41

Agree that some of the smell might be due to dirty clothes. His son/daughter should go over and do a big load of washing for him. Tbh at his age they should also be making sure his house is clean, he has enough to eat etc. Are they doing these things? At 86 if he’s smelling there’s probably other things that aren’t happening at home either (e.g. general cleaning, eating properly…) so it’s likely symptomatic of a wider issue that he’s not getting enough care.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 10/12/2024 15:55

It’s ok saying get a limbo, give him wipes etc but it’s probably also worth thinking whether he needs some regular help with his personal care.

Family having a frank talk and providing support to get back on track is going to be needed to get things sorted in time for Christmas but for the longer term you can refer him to adult social services for a care needs assessment.

mathanxiety · 10/12/2024 16:35

It sounds as if he needs a carer to come in and boss him. Is there any LA agency that would assess his needs?

Endofyear · 10/12/2024 19:21

How frail/infirm is he? He could be struggling with being able to shower and wash & dry his clothes! Also, if he has a wound, it should be kept clean and redressed regularly, is he having visits from the district nurses? It might be time to have a frank discussion about getting him some more help, your DH can speak to social services about an assessment of his needs.

Octavia64 · 10/12/2024 19:24

The usual solution if someone has a wound/cast etc is:

Either get a. Plastic cover (they are very good.). I prefer bath to shower as I can "hang" my foot outside the bath.

Flannel wash with a basin and soap

You can also buy wipes.

Dry shampoo is very good as well.

It may be he needs help with washing.

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