Planning to leave husband in secret

[TwinkleTwinkleTwinkie]

I’m secretly planning to leave my husband and once I receive an offer of a house I will have to lay flooring, furnish an entire house, possibly paint it and put up curtains etc. All without him knowing. I’m now getting overwhelmed at the enormity of the task. I will potentially have about a month to do this (paying for both properties) until I leave.

Has anyone done similar? Posting here for traffic.

Not done similar
are you unsafe in your current situation that you need to do this in secret?

No, you need to furnish one room. You can live in a house while doing the rest. Even with DC.

Why do you have to do it in that order. Why not secure the new house, then leave him and move in, then do it up?

Planning all this due to years of DA (not physical)

Need to have it in a reasonable condition before I move in with the children, not perfect but we’ll need flooring, curtains, furniture etc. Might have to do the basics though and the rest once I’ve left.

Not done similar but think of it more like glamping ? Get one room ready and the rest can wait , don't try and have it all "done" , you , and even dcs can manage (if not sen/illness etc) in reduced circumstances for a while. Better to just get to the new property , take the stress off as much as possible for now.

On one house move we had just mattresses on the floor for a while , no other furniture, not fab, but totally doable.

Easy for me to say ,of course, massive change / upheaval for you regardless. Best of luck .

Curtains can just be fabric / blankets stapled on as a temp measure .

Do you both work? If so can you take leave days to get things done while he is at work? any friends/family who can help if you give them a key?
All the best OP

What @MereDintofPandiculation says.

All you should do, if you can afford it is get the flooring sorted while it's empty, it will just be easier that way, but if you can't afford or manage it then you'll just go room by room and move stuff around once you're in.

Painting can wait pretty much forever, it's aesthetic not necessary.

You need:

• somewhere for everyone in the house to sleep, that can just be a mattress on the floor for a few weeks if need be, though you would want to get it raised onto something to allow airflow as soon as possible.
• something for people to sit on, could be beanbags or garden chairs on day 1 then you change it to a long term solution as you can.
• somewhere to keep food fresh, so you'll want a fridge in within the first couple of days but you could manage with cupboard foods and veg for a little while without one.
• something to heat food up - microwave, slow cooker, air fryer, kettle

If your current living situation is so bad that you're having to do this in secret then get out ASAP, and let the decor and furniture sort itself out over time.

have you any family/friends you can trust to help you?
use charities for things like furniture, British heart foundation usually have furniture shops
is there a local DV charity who can help you with things? they will probably be really good to speak to for advice and would understand the sensitivity to keeping this quiet

I can see why you'd want to have it all as settled as possible for your DC - are they at an age where they would really notice/be impacted by the little things?
or are they alternatively at an age where they would understand the need to leave and be completely understanding about the situation?

Is it possible to get a house that already has flooring, that sounds like a big job on top of everything else you'll need to do

Facebook marketplace is good for cheap furniture

If there's DA and you're leaving him in secret then you absolutely need curtains up at the front of the property. So curtains and floors.

Ikea used to do like £3 paper pleated blinds that just stuck to the window and came with pegs to lift them up and down. Camping chairs, airbeds, etc.

You can use things like this to get you moved then worry about more permanent fittings once you're there

Forget the flooring issue... have you actually considered the implications of buying (I assume) a property while still married?
Practically, it can be done. Pay someone to lay your flooring and you won't have to even be there when it happens. Legally, your assets are joined and I wouldn't want to make big financial decisions when my other half can squirrel half of it.

ETA: "offer of a house" implies council house, I guess? Then yes, doable.

Thanks. I think I’m stressing that everything has to be completed before I move in but DCs and I could rough it if needed.

Not buying, it will be either a housing association or a council house, I’ve been given the time frame of possibly sometime in 2025 to receive an offer although they cannot guarantee, I’m high up on the list.

Can you start putting money away now, OP? Maybe giving it to a trusted friend or family member so they can save it for you, ideally in a bank account they don't normally use (so that then when you're ready to buy stuff you can use that debit card)

I’ve been very lucky in that I’ve managed to secure funding from a benevolent fund associated with my profession to assist people that going through illness/crisis/relationship breakdown etc.

If it's housing association/council house should it not be in reasonable liveable condition?

Once you get the house just move in. Flooring can be done once in, airbeds etc until you get beds,

Agree you only need one room. We moved into our house 2 adults 2 children, we had a bedroom (smallest in the house) and the lounge done. We did everything else after we moved in including going without a kitchen for 12 weeks.

Carpet remnant, cheap home bargin or b&m curtains and a double mattress on the floor is all you need to start. Once in you can work your way through the house, let the children help and choose what they want. You will also have time to shop around.

after we moved in we had cheap carpet put through the house, even in the dining room because we couldn’t afford anything else and wanted something down. Over time we’ve replaced the carpets with the flooring we liked and decorated. We bought a microwave that had a grill component, had a toastie maker and set up a pasting table in the hall way as our kitchen. It was pre air fryers being a big thing. Everything was 2nd hand either given to us or charity shop bought. Over time we’ve replaced with our own things.

Don’t stress about the whole house, make a list of the basics you will need and start with those, everything else you can do after you move in.

They come bare bones. When my mom left her house years ago to downsize to a 1-bed bungalow, from a three bed, we had to rip up all the carpets and flooring in the house, some of the carpets were just a couple of years old and the bedrooms all had as new laminate flooring - the lot had to come up. I even spoke to the council, and they said if it was left, we'd be charged for removal and disposal. Utterly mad as the new people who went in, my mom knows them, they had to spend hundreds of pounds on flooring.

Contact the council and the housing association or look on line to see if there are any charities providing refurbished furniture and white goods in your area. A charity local to me takes furniture and white goods returns from manufacturers and donations from house clearances etc., makes sure they are safe and in good condition, and then sells them on at a much reduced rate to those in need or at a slightly higher price to everyone else. They even have access to carpet tiles and mattresses and do deliveries. We are in Wiltshire but there may be something similar where you are.

Prioritise the flooring before you move in
Everything else is manageable, get one or two rooms ready and all share a bedroom short term for example.
When we moved in to this house we used the front room downstairs as a box storage room temporarily, one DD had to sleep in with us while we got her room ready.
You can do it, it just does need to be perfect just safe and comfortable

But curtains don't need to be permanent. Pinning up a blanket or sheet will work at a pinch.