"You deserve what you tolerate"

[Annabella92]

AIBU to think there really might be something in this. It feels quite novel (to me anyway) as tolerance is supposedly a virtue, indeed the virtue we've built our society on. Could this saying be worth more consideration?

There are some things that must not be tolerated and must be challenged - things like the mutilation of children for ideological, religious and cultural reasons.

There are other ideas present in the UK that should not be tolerated, often that are actually illegal but not well policed - like violence against women and girls in all communities.

"The paradox of tolerance is the idea that unlimited tolerance can lead to the destruction of tolerance itself. Philosopher Karl Popper described this paradox as the idea that a tolerant society must be intolerant of intolerance"

I don't think you deserve what you tolerate necessarily because loads of reasons you might tolerate things... children, circumstances, finances etc

But I do think that what you tolerate is what people come to find acceptable and be comfortable with putting on you

I think that's a bit harsh as some people have difficult backgrounds. No one deserves to be bullied or abused.

However, you get treated the way you tolerate being treated is true.

Yes I think Marcuse had something to say on the matter too.

I think this just amounts to victim blaming.

Nobody deserves to be treated badly. The responsibility lies solely with the perpetrator.

Do children deserve to be abused because they tolerate it? Never.

Is this going to end in a Britain’s too tolerant, which is why we’re being replaced by evil minorities on boats convo?

If that wasn’t the thinking behind it @Annabella92 I apologise but it’s kind of where Twitters at atm.

I think it depends on the context. One violent act you can't defend yourself from? Absolutely not your fault. Repeatedly going back to your abusive partner who may well one day kill you? You absolutely made that choice.

I think a lot of people feel they 'have' to do certain things. It's extremely liberating to realise you don't, and all the shit you're choosing to wade through is the shit you're choosing to tolerate. A lot of people let their emotions cloud judgement when they should remove negative people from their lives even if that negative person is heir spouse, parent or even child.

I agree with this!

Isnt that film speak no evil about that.
The dutch one? He asked 'why are you doing this? Because you let me?'

Was about being too passive and not speak.ing up for yourself.

It's Danish but I did think this, too.

I do believe to an extent that people treat you how you let them.

"You get the behaviour you reward" is another way of phrasing this

Domestic abuse aside, I think there's a lot of truth in it

People definitely do not deserve what they tolerate. People can tolerate extremely cruel and abusive behaviour for so many reasons....being trapped in a difficult situation, physical or mental health problems, poverty, being disabled and unable to speak out or being dependent on the person who is abusing you, cultural norms, learning difficulties etc etc etc

Sometimes people tolerate unbelievably cruel treatment because they don't have the ability/knowledge/power/resources to not tolerate it.

I would not say “deserve” but definitely if you tolerate a poor situation that you could leave, (I.e somebody’s treatment of you) then my sympathy is lacking.

(Or to put it another way - people treat you how you let them.)

Ever since Apartheid Clyde took over Twitter it has been a cesspit. I had to leave.

I think it's a nasty, pitiless attitude that has gained far too much traction in recent years. People tolerate abuse and misery for all sorts of complex reasons. I wouldn't feel entitled to say someone deserved to be abused because they were too weakened by trauma/fear/lack of education and opportunity to stand up for themselves.

Well it depends hugely on what we're talking about. It can be a way to victim-blame the abused. No, don't ask (for example) why a woman tolerates her husband beating her, much less say she deserves it. But I sometimes feel like saying something similar to people who (for example) just don't bother to raise their kids properly and then complain that they've got a brat. If you tolerate your kids behaving unacceptably, you deserve the results you get. It's about power. Sometimes you have the power to decide what you'll tolerate, and sometimes you don't. This varies a lot depending on what the relationship is and various other circumstances (like, do you have the money to walk away etc),

In terms of wider societal stuff, I think it's quite a problematic term. It's creepy when people talk about "toleration" of different races, cultures, religions and suchlike. Because the word implies that there is in fact something bad or wrong about the thing / person being tolerated. Also that the other group really do (and ought to) be reliant on the goodwill of the dominant group that tolerates them. The existence / freedom / right of other human beings aren't for anyone else to decide whether they will allow.

We shouldn't tolerate abuse, sexism, racism, terrorism, paedophilia. From anyone. But as soon as we start applying the term to people rather than behaviours, it's a problem. And when we imply that anyone has the power to stop something unacceptable single-handed - to just declare what they won't tolerate and have it stop - when in fact they don't, it's a problem. Sexism often takes this form - saying she should have just stopped harassment or abuse single-handed, why didn't she stand up for herself, why would she put up with it etc. And there's a lot of overlap between this and the worst kind of selfish individualistic right-wingery that tells people that anything bad that happens to them is entirely their own fault and denies the existence of socio-economic disadvantage (and therefore of the need for everyone to work together to overcome it). Sometimes we need solidarity to stand up to the things that are intolerable. Sometimes we need laws. Sometimes we need to make radical changes to the way our whole society works. It depends.

I do think people who put up with less, have to put up with less. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I don't think that people always have the power to "not tolerate" things. I mean if a disabled person who can't work is in an abusive relationship where the other person supports them financially then that could be very hard couldn't it.

Vice versa an able bodied person may feel morally obliged to stay with a disabled partner who they are supporting, while the disabled partner is abusive towards them.

It's not always easy to just stop tolerating stuff, especially if you are dependent on the other person, or they are dependent on you.

Also people may have grown up in difficult circumstances and end up replaying that in adulthood. It's very hard not to do that.

You also need to consider that people may have limited options. Women in Afghanistan tolerate life under the Taliban because the alternative is death. It doesn’t follow that they deserve to live under the Taliban.

Seems like a slogan designed to help fortunate people feel deserving and avoid giving a damn about those less fortunate.

The statement is just too simplistic to be of much use. There are so many exceptions that it becomes meaningless.

I’m trying to make sense of that saying…. Is it the same intent of ‘expect what you accept’? Only heard that in regards to boys pissing on loo seats and think it’s an appropriate phrase for that scenario.

But for example, ‘I can tolerate FIL being rude to me’….. doesn’t mean I deserve him being rude to me?

I think it's usually used on a personal to refer to tolerating how people treat you rather than wider social issues.

So.

If you tolerate your partner cheating on you, then you can't complain when your partner cheats on you.

If you tolerate friends letting you down repeatedly, then you can't complain when your friends let you down repeatedly.

If you tolerate being put upon at work when others don't, then you can't complain that you are put upon at work whilst others aren't.

I don't think people 'deserve' poor treatment but there are so many threads on here where a woman asks, for example, "Why does he do x, y, z?" about a man - usually along the lines of why does he continue to have sex with me if he doesn't want a relationship with me? When the answer is always, and only, because you let him.

Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you. And all that.