Husband being an a***hole.

[Generouslymeticulous]

. Lately my husband has been difficult and I have found our relationship challenging. I’ve stuck with it partly because we separated five years ago for a year (his behaviour going out drinking all the time until 6am, going off for days on end, abandoning me to look after his SS who had challenging behaviour had got to me and I had to end things) and he was a nightmare to coparent with (we have four children together) so I’m not keen to repeat that experience. I took him back after some intense therapy and an astounding improvement in the way he treated me and behaved generally. But since moving and reuniting with his brother his behaviour has gone down hill. He doesn’t go out drinking all the time like he did but he can just generally be a massive wanker. I point out his problematic behaviour and deal with it but it’s tiring. I have enough on my plate. Anyway this year was to be the first year my family came round Xmas day. He knew how excited I was about it and he also knows that I don’t like it when he invites his brother over on days specifically set for my family coming over. I have no idea why he does it, he doesn’t invite his brother over any other time, my family don’t know his brother and when they’re together they just constantly make inappropriate jokes and constantly put each other down or they put the football on and stare at their phones being completely antisocial. Plus hubs can be really dismissive and distant with me when he’s with his brother. Tonight he was on the phone to said brother and randomly invited him over for Xmas day. I calmly and rationally told him I didn’t appreciate him doing that, he knew my family were here Xmas day and that we could have his brother over on Boxing Day instead. His response was no it’s tough he’s on his own Xmas day etc etc (his brother is in his own btw because he slept with multiple women behind his wife’s back and she left him). I repeated that what he did was not okay nor is it okay for him to just say tough to me, and that I would never do the same to him if it was his family coming over. He stormed off and refused to discuss it once I told him this was a deal breaker. Because I think it’s incredibly disrespectful. He’s now saying he’s leaving in January because I said it was a deal breaker.

Is there anything to salvage here? It sounds so toxic - I’d be tempted to tell him to go before Christmas and spend the festive season with your family. He sounds hugely disrespectful and selfish.

Why wait till January! He can't threaten to leave but only after he and his brother have been antisocial in your house for Christmas! Tell him he can go to his brother's and that solves the problem of him being on his own.

Tbh I’ve been thinking about leaving him in January anyway but as I said before coparenting with him was awful so I guess it’s put me off up until now, plus the astronomical cost of rent meaning I’d have to move up north near my sister which would make him worse. But you’re right it often feels like such a toxic situation, he refuses to go back to therapy, and I feel like such an idiot because I’ll feel really good about things when he’s spending time with us and helping out until I realise he’s only doing that because he’s about to go off to his mates house to watch football or he’s buggering off to golf again. I’m happy for him to have a social life but he spends more time out of the home and with his friends than he does us. Plus when he gets home he generally just disappears upstairs and goes to sleep. I’m just perpetually baffled. But anytime I try to discuss it he’ll either try to gaslight me or stonewall me.

I did and he’s told his brother not to come over. But he refuses to not be here Xmas day because of the kids even though he does the bare minimum with the children he sees it as his right because he’s their father and there isn’t a court in the UK that would back me up

It sounds as if he’s browbeaten you for a long time lovely - I would cut the cord, he’s not much cop as a parent either way, if he is living with or not is he? Make a good choice for yourself and go into 2025 with your head held high and focusing on a future that doesn’t include a selfish tosser.

He seems a nightmare to parent with how can coparentinf be worse

Leaving in January… tell him he can leave now and move in with his brother Instead

lol you wouldn’t think he could be I’m sure he’d surprise you. He’d turn up randomly demanding to see ‘his kids’ and when I objected to him taking them to Pizza Hut in the week when id just put their dinner on he threw a tantrum said I was stopping him from seeing ‘his’ kids even though he kept flaking in the every other weekend agreement. But this time would be different I think because his best friend split up with his partner this year and he had been having the kids all the time and hubs has repeatedly said that wasn’t fair and that his friend should only have the kids every other weekend. So if he tries to pull the ‘you’re not letting me see my kids’ car then I’ll remind him of that. Either way the kids and I would have to move about eight hours away because I can’t afford it here on my own.

Ask him why wait till January?

Yes that would be a good one but I’m not doing anything that would mean I’ve made this happen as he’ll use it as a weapon against me and try to demonise me to the kids and his family. So I’m smooth yellow rocking it. I’m not going to beg him to stay or stop him from leaving. And it’s clear to me where things stand in our relationship. I don’t think it is salvageable so I will be making my exit plan. I really just needed to get some reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable because it’s just me and him here and the only ones witness to these episodes are the kids and of course I can’t involve them. I do have my mum but I don’t like to bog her down too much, she really worries and I don’t want to cause her anxiety. I’m so grateful for forums like this, otherwise I think I’d crumble and just believe him when he says I’m crazy or being pathetic.

“Either way the kids and I would have to move about eight hours away because I can’t afford it here on my own.”

I’m sorry but I think he can stop you from moving away, OP.

Because he has parental responsibility he has to be consulted about what school they attend.

They are home educated something he is fully supportive of. And I checked the UK law a while ago and he can’t do anything, he doesn’t have a leg to stand if it’s financially unviable for the mother to stay near the father. He can only object to me moving out of the country. As long as it’s in the UK there’s nothing he can do.

Also even if they did go to school he doesn’t have to be consulted, I know from experience with SS. Hubs couldn’t make any objections as far as the courts and council were concerned it had nothing to do with him.