Was I a bad friend?

[amiabadfriend7]

I’m bad with boundaries so I need to understand if I’m being a bad friend here.

My best friend had a birthday party on Saturday. It was a house party - ie just a group of people drinking and dancing in her house. She will turn 32. She lives in London and I live in the home county we grew up in. I commute to London for work normally.

I am 4 months pp after a traumatic birth and I EBF. Baby could take a bottle and I do have expressed milk in the freezer that I was saving for my return to work (I only have 7mo off)

It takes 2 hours to get to her house, it started at 7pm. DH said he’d look after baby and I should go (he was invited). I didn’t want to risk this, I don’t even know if baby will take my frozen milk (ie high lipase) and baby’s not had a bottle in months now, so no idea if even still taking. The event was organised a week prior but I was told about her potentially doing something similar 2 weeks before.

I will be honest, I didn’t want to go regardless. Factor in that her suggestion was to bring the baby and DH as it would be “tame” I didn’t want the battle. Baby is in the regression and I’d have to leave my house at 5pm and also stay about 2-3 hours only before ensuring I get the last train. Also factor in the storm and crappy weather, potentially affecting trains, I just didn’t want to.

I messaged and said it wouldn’t work, I was sorry, and I will take her to dinner closer to her actual birthday date in a few weeks. She said yes and has not responded to any more messages of mine asking how it went etc.

Her taking a while to respond to me isn’t out of the ordinary. I usually only get quick responses when something is going wrong in her life but she is a good friend but often busy with work/other friends.

I am bad with boundaries, so did I do the right thing friendship wise or was I a bad friend?

When did you cancel?

I never said I was going. On Monday she sent the invite. On Tuesday I said I was unsure if it would work, explained my concerns (I hated the idea of going without baby / DH through London alone - national rail, tube, bus and a walk needed) and the fact baby is EBF so unsure if I can leave him but equally it’s inappropriate to bring a 4 month old to a house party, and said I’d see on the day what solution I can get. On the day, with the storm cancelling trains, it was the nail in the coffin and I explained all.

No, you weren't a bad friend. You just have other things on your mind than getting drunk at a house party. You are at a different stage to your friend, that's all. Follow up about taking her for a nice lunch or dinner. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

Sorry need to add, she didn’t respond to my message about concerns / solutions on Tuesday until Friday

No you weren't, you've got different priorities now, and similarly so does she.

YANBU and your suggestion of a meal together is lovely. I think the friendship is over and you'll need to accept it's been downgraded to either acquaintances or someone you used to know sooner than you think. Chin up.

Ok, so you could probably have let her know you weren't coming earlier than on the day. It would have been better manners to decline when she sent the invite since you knew straight away you didn't want to go. Unless you've got form for being flaky though, there's no real harm done.

I will be honest, I didn’t want to go regardless.

I expect she sensed this and everything else just felt like excuses thereafter. When someone rattles off a long list like that it often comes across as clutching at excuses. A simple sorry, I need to stay in with baby is all that was needed.

I agree. If you weren't wanting to go from the get go there was no need to play along with the trying to go.

It sounds like she really wanted you there, and was trying to accommodate your family by inviting all three of you…
Ive got friends who expressly want to meet without my child so I think she was doing the best she could and I can see why she might be disappointed… you had a willing babysitter as well

It might have helped if you been a bit more direct rather than leaving some hope that you'd make it but it's anyone's guess as to whether she'd have responded better to that.

In an ideal world she'd cut you some slack, the baby stage is hard, sleep can be awful which means you're not as organised or good at decision making. Not everyone gets this though but you're not a bad friend.

You knew you didn't want to go, so I think you should have just declined from the get-go, not messed about with "maybes" before cancelling on the day.

I don't think you were a bad friend as such, but I would always rather a friend was honest from the beginning.

If it was me and I was the friend, I would feel disappointed even though I knew my friend was being reasonable, and I wouldn’t reply until I was over it and able to be move forward with the friendship. She probably feels a bit annoyed about it and is waiting to reply so she doesn’t negatively impact the friendship.

It’s disappointing for her but she’ll get over it in time.

Her taking a while to respond to me isn’t out of the ordinary. I usually only get quick responses when something is going wrong in her life but she is a good friend but often busy with work/other friends
Do you mean you only hear from her when something is wrong, or that whenever something is wrong you only get short messages?

I think given she didn't reply to your Tuesday text until Friday, you stating on Friday that you couldn't go is fine, especially given the changing weather situation.

You have different priorities, as the others have said. But that isn't just on you. You said yourself she's often busy with work and other friends, so it sounds like you're both taking the pedal off the friendship ATM. That doesn't have to mean anything significant, relationships change all the time.

Suggest a definite time for dinner / lunch and see what she says x

From what you've written here with regards to what your friend replied they haven't expressed any thing that makes me think they're miffed you couldn't make it.

You say yourself it's not unusual for them to take a while to return messages, the party was Saturday and its only Monday, maybe they've celebrated yesterday/today and haven't got around to replying to other messages.

Sounds like they totally understand your life will be a bit different now you have a little one.

I think a good friend would understand. If she's giving you the cold shoulder for not coming, she's not a good friend.

It's usually best to be direct straight away but hopefully she is a good friend and will understand / believe you were trying to work through solutions before cancelling. I assume there were a number of other guests so she wasn't left high and dry?

Usually, I would go despite not wanting to - hence the boundaries issue. I was going to go as I felt too bad not to, despite not wanting to. It was the train delays that did it for me and any ounce of hope of going I said no to.

she had lots of people there - it wasn’t tame. It was a big house party and would have been completely inappropriate for a baby (there’s a group chat for the party - plenty of lost things/people not remembering what happened/stories)

When she has an issue such as boy trouble, she will constantly seek reassurance / advice and I’ll be there for her so we will chat regularly. When she’s fine, she doesn’t check in as much. There have been times I’ve felt quite abandoned / used but then she reminds me how good a friend she is / how much she cares. She’s just scatty and gets caught up in work. She has ADHD and doesn’t take her meds anymore and I think this explains the behaviour best.

Honestly op, I think your friend is dillusional. Who suggests bringing a 4 month old baby on a 2 hour train ride to a house party with loads of people? She has shown that she has zero understanding of baby needs and what you’ve been through/ going through. Are you sure she is a friend? Or is it mainly a one way friendship where you’re a listening ear for her when she has “boy trouble”?

If she doesn't understand and respect your decision, then she's the bad friend IMO.

Bloody hell - you are 4m postpartum. That is enough of a reason not to go this time. And there was a major storm - my 19yo was stranded in london for 3 hours trying to get home due to train cancellations from Waterloo on that Saturday - you had a baby who needed breastfeeding to consider.

She gave you 5 days notice - if anyone is giving you a hard time for not going they are bloody unreasonable. And not much of a friend.

Don’t give it another thought - other than to accept that when you have children, relationships with friends who are not local and who do not have children too will necessarily change, and drift.

You don’t make a habit of this so no, I don’t think you are a bad friend. Even if you not going was a bit shit in some way, everyone is allowed to be a bit shit now and again.

No you weren’t. You put yourself and your baby first which is always the right thing and offered an alternative. If she’s a true friend she will understand!