Pretty sure my friend has ADHD. Should I say something to her?

[Tuftykitten]

I'm not a doctor. Not a specialist in this area.

Have been reading up on ADHD for a few years now. Pretty sure my friend has ADHD.
She said the other day that she wonders if she has it. That's the second time she's mentioned it recently. A child who knows her who has ADHD asked her if she had it too - just the other day.
She's exhibiting a lot of the symptoms of ADHD and its starting to have a negative effect on our friendship.

Your not an expert so can't diagnose anything if she asks you tell her to refer herself for assessment.

Could you elaborate on her symptoms OP? Maybe you could point out the next time to her, oh yes that does seem like an adhd trait. Is she blunt, does she talk over people, does she do/say things without thinking, is she disorganised, does she have a bad temper?

If she says she wondering if she has it, I'd ask why and then would agree if she brought up points that I agreed with, eg just agreeing that I've noticed X & Y as well.

I wouldn't just bring it up that I think she does.

What are the reasons for it negatively effecting your friendship?

We have been friends for just over 3 years.

I don't think she is super blunt, no.
Yes, she talks over me a lot.
No, she doesn't say things without thinking,
I think she might be disorganised, she said the other day that she is always losing things and loses her way easily. She got very lost meeting me the other week.
She has not lost her temper with me but she is often very irritable.

What is bothering you though regarding it effecting your friendship?

Why does it negatively effect our friendship?
Because she is so irritable, can be very, very argumentative, talks non-stop and if I try to get a word in, she gets really annoyed.
Interrupts me all the time.

She suffers with insomnia and disordered sleeping.
Said one time she cannot sit still.

Op's friend may take it as a sign of being criticised, which would affect the friendship. If the friend's behaviour is chaotic, than it might be worth her seeking support to better manage the symptoms. My dc is ND, and sadly a lot of people do judge, and just do not understand. It can be challenging, especially for him to maintain friendships, which is something we are actively working on.

It doesn’t matter really whether she has ADHD or not. The real issue is that she has patterns of behaviours that get on your nerves. We can’t diagnose her with ADHD any more that we can diagnose you with autism for struggling to read social cues. If you don’t get along, you don’t get along and should cool the friendship.

Not sure how her having a diagnosis would change your friendship. It would likely take years to be diagnosed on the NHS - if they even do it on the NHS for adults? There is also a shortage of medication so no guarantee she’d be able to access it.

If she suffered from disordered sleep and insomnia that could explain her behaviour. A friend of mine is so bad at following directions, she also talks non stop…

Could be peri/menopause

Yes, she is the right age for peri / menopause.

What would be the point in telling her you think she has adhd? What is the outcome you want?

Generally it’s better not to give advice or unsolicited opinions in real life. An online forum is a different beast!

I think if she had a diagnosis it might help her to quiten her mind a bit.

But yea - I agree that I can't give her unsolicited opinions.
If she asked if I think she has ADHD, I would probably says that she seems like a candidate for testing.

if she brings it up again tell her. to look into it

someone suggested i was adhd a while back and i dismissed it and a few months later something clicked and im pretty sure i have it, and due to get tested soon privately

She has a lot of highs and lows.
Said she wasn't feeling physically well for a bit. Then the next day after she said that she still wasn't well, she undertook a very physically gruelling sport that takes hours complete.

Look OP just follow it up with her, ask her whether she thought about it more and whether she plans to get tested. My DD15 has ADHD but sleeps really well etc so there is no one way to live with ADHD.

You are so unreasonable it’s laughable.
It’s completely up to HER if she wants to gain a diagnosis for something. As you said, you are not an expert so you cannot go around diagnosing people with things or even telling them that they should get one.
I once knew a guy whose ex wife insisted on him getting an ADHD diagnosis simply because he didn’t think or behave in the same way that she did. Surprise surprise, he doesn’t have ADHD. She just thought there was something wrong with him because he behaved differently to her and couldn’t fathom that it’s just different personalities or even that it’s her that could have been in the wrong for being way too controlling.

If you don’t want to keep her as a friend because of her personality traits, that’s a separate issue and one you can control.

Please do not go around diagnosing the people you love with personality disorders or mental health conditions. IF they express that THEY are struggling with THEIR OWN lives, that’s different.

Getting a diagnosis just means she has a diagnosis. It doesn’t stop all the things that mean she has ADHD if that’s what she has.

She’s going to have the same behaviours, albeit with some support to manage them.

You’ll either get on with your friend, with or without an ADHD diagnosis or you won’t.

Very sensible post.

I feel like we have lost all nuance and do not allow for an extremely wide spectrum of what’s considered ‘normal’ when it comes to personality traits

I wouldn't be surprised if most of these "ADHD" symptoms subsided after a thorough social media/screen detox

If she brings up thinking she might have ADHD, then maybe say something like "It's always worth looking into/exploring" (well, perhaps something less contrived/platitudinous than that!).
In terms of your friendship, you don't have to put up with someone talking over you etc. I didn't realise just how much I used to talk over people etc until it was pointed out to me in my 20s.
When I was younger, I was like the 1990s stereotype of a male child with ADHD, so I sometimes find it hard to relate to the explosion in adult/older adult assessments and diagnoses.
But, I'd always try to speak to any friends of mine supportively around any suspected Neurodivergence (or any other conditions, tbh).

I agree, or at least become far more manageable

I think you don’t want to be friends with her. Be honest and end the friendship and explain why if you can. If she has ADHD or autism, she might appreciate the honesty. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to be friends with her. But to drag things out and diagnose her with ADHD isn’t nice. x

If she brings it up, you can agree with her, but otherwise, no.