Dd never picked for anything at school

schoolmum11 · 2024-12-09T12:03:07+00:00

I have a dd who is in year 5 (9 years old) at an academic competitive prep school. She is the sweetest kindest girl (her teacher always comments on this). She isn't sporty so is always in the D team for netball, football, lacross etc which is completely fine, it's where I would expect her to play. However what really upsets me is that she's good at drama, singing, acting etc. to be honest all the girls are though. With the exception of a few extremely talented girls who clearly deserve the top parts in plays/shows, the others are all very good and of a similar standard. However it seems that the girls that are selected for all the sports teams also get the bigger parts in the plays. As I said, if they were significantly better I would be totally fine with this. But what I don't understand is why they wouldn't take a more holistic approach and select those girls who don't get the sporting opportunities to have the bigger roles. Of course, the lead parts are played by the really amazingly talented little performers (often also sporty which is fine) - I'm talking about the roles that are still big parts but not lead parts. The school also selected a maths team who take part in competitions. Again there are some amazing mathematicians in her school who should of course be selected. However what has upset me is my dd and another girl scored equally in the quiz they did to see who would be part of the team. The teacher has selected the other girl (she emailed to say it was a v hard decision but in the end looked back at the last assessment from last term where the other girl got 1 mark higher) Now the other girl is also in all the A sports teams and also the lead part in the upcoming school play. Am i being naive to think the school should take a more holistic approach and in a situation like this select my dd to be part of the maths team as she literally doesn't get selected for anything!! happy to be told I'm wrong - i just would appreciate your thoughts. just to note my dd is v resilient and this never seems to bother her much. it bothers me more as i don't want to see her confidence suffer. thank you so much!!!

Thedishwasherbroke · 09/12/2024 12:10

I think this is what comes of going to a competitive academic prep school.

My own children’s school would never behave like that, and are extremely inclusive, but it’s a very ordinary state primary school with very ordinary results.

TyreChangeLightOn · 09/12/2024 12:21

Exactly the same happens at my kids' very ordinary state primary school. The same kids also became school captains when they got to Y6 too.

It's annoying but teaches a bit of resilience I think.

The same kids will "peak at high school" as the saying goes...

cheezncrackers · 09/12/2024 12:26

YANBU and if this was my DC I'd be having a quiet word with the school. They may not even realise they're doing it, but they should be ensuring that all DC feel included, valued and also giving them the chance to show what they can do and giving them the opportunity to shine. If your DD is never given the opportunity, how can she show what she can do? Also, how can she build confidence and gain experience from being in shows or maths teams or whatever?

redskydarknight · 09/12/2024 12:29

I think this is what happens at academic competitive schools.
They very strictly pick the best person, and don't care about inclusivity.

So, I guess you have bought into this ethos by picking the school.

(My DC's schools would find a role in the drama production for everyone who wanted to be involved).

Original poster

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:32

Thank you all for your replies! Just to be clear they do all get roles in the school play but dd has 3 lines. A lot of the others have 20-30 lines. And honestly there is v little difference in their drama abilities and these kids are also sports captains etc

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bridgetreilly · 09/12/2024 12:32

It’s not bothering DD, so I really think the best thing is to let it go. Teachers don’t have time to be checking all the other extra-curricular things every student is doing each time they pick them.

nervouslandlord · 09/12/2024 12:34

You've picked a highly selective school and wonder why everything is highly selective. By all means raise it. But I think the school is only doing what you paid it to do. If it were non selective and made a big play in its literature about being nurturing then I think you'd have a stronger case

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 12:40

nervouslandlord · 09/12/2024 12:34

You've picked a highly selective school and wonder why everything is highly selective. By all means raise it. But I think the school is only doing what you paid it to do. If it were non selective and made a big play in its literature about being nurturing then I think you'd have a stronger case

This. This is literally what a competitive academic school does. Its approach isn’t ’Oh, X was nearly as good as Y in the maths thing, so let’s choose her to compete on behalf of the school because she’s on the D sports teams and only Noises Off in the school play.’

Bumpitybumper · 09/12/2024 12:40

This happens at lots of schools in both the state and private sector in my experience. I honestly don't understand why teachers don't make any effort whatsoever to make sure every child is recognised for their talents where this is realistically possible. It doesn't sound like you want your DD picked for everything or stuff she isn't good at, but where the school can pick from a group of equally able kids, why not pick the child that isn't going to be picked for much else? It's just about showing a bit of empathy and not being lazy.

Anecdotally I think when there are kids that are being overlooked then there are kids that are being chosen for everything. Normally the latter type of kids stands out more than the former. Not necessarily even for good reasons but they just come to people's minds quicker than other children. I think it's worth thinking why your child isn't overlooked so often and whether it's a confidence thing. In my experience, it usually boils down to that.

Original poster

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:43

Bumpitybumper · 09/12/2024 12:40

This happens at lots of schools in both the state and private sector in my experience. I honestly don't understand why teachers don't make any effort whatsoever to make sure every child is recognised for their talents where this is realistically possible. It doesn't sound like you want your DD picked for everything or stuff she isn't good at, but where the school can pick from a group of equally able kids, why not pick the child that isn't going to be picked for much else? It's just about showing a bit of empathy and not being lazy.

Anecdotally I think when there are kids that are being overlooked then there are kids that are being chosen for everything. Normally the latter type of kids stands out more than the former. Not necessarily even for good reasons but they just come to people's minds quicker than other children. I think it's worth thinking why your child isn't overlooked so often and whether it's a confidence thing. In my experience, it usually boils down to that.

Thank you for this and I totally agree with you. I genuinely don't think she should picked for everything but where there is no difference between 2 kids why not pick the one that hasn't had the opportunity.

So interestingly I was just chatting about this to a friend whose child is at the same school. She said that a lot of parents put pressure on the school to select their child which also plays a part. Pretty awful!!!

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Original poster

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:46

nervouslandlord · 09/12/2024 12:34

You've picked a highly selective school and wonder why everything is highly selective. By all means raise it. But I think the school is only doing what you paid it to do. If it were non selective and made a big play in its literature about being nurturing then I think you'd have a stronger case

Fair enough. I do understand this and it's what my husband says too. I understand they pick the best child and I have no issue with that. My issue is where they have a bunch of equally talented kids why not pick the ones who haven't had any opportunities yet.

Another example, they had to pick a bunch of kids to be on the front of the school brochure. There is literally no talent involved in this! Yet they picked the same kids.

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x2boys · 09/12/2024 12:47

Thedishwasherbroke · 09/12/2024 12:10

I think this is what comes of going to a competitive academic prep school.

My own children’s school would never behave like that, and are extremely inclusive, but it’s a very ordinary state primary school with very ordinary results.

That wasent my experience of my sons ordinary state primary
The same kids got picked for everything.

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 12:51

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:43

Thank you for this and I totally agree with you. I genuinely don't think she should picked for everything but where there is no difference between 2 kids why not pick the one that hasn't had the opportunity.

So interestingly I was just chatting about this to a friend whose child is at the same school. She said that a lot of parents put pressure on the school to select their child which also plays a part. Pretty awful!!!

Show quote history

Well, there was a difference between them in the maths contest. The teacher doing the choosing decided to pick based on how well they’d done on the last maths test, and chose the child who’d hot one mark more.Their ethos is ‘find out who has a demonstrable track record of being the best and choose them to represent the school’.

And the school brochure means that potential parents can be told that the children on the front cover represented the school internationally at tiddlywinks , or debating, or won the Young Philosopher of the Year or whatever.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/12/2024 12:52

I don’t think your dd will thrive in such a competitive environment. She’s lovely, good at some things and not others, and not someone who stands out. Not everyone stands out and other qualities are far more important. If she doesn’t learn this at school you could if you wanted model it at home.

MargaretThursday · 09/12/2024 12:54

I understand how you feel, but I think you're wrong about the maths.
The teacher used a definite rule to choose, which meant the one who on paper scored better was given the chance. That's fair.

Original poster

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:56

Yes fair enough re the maths team, I think I was just feeling a bit sad for her! But yes I do agree the teacher needs a process to follow which she did.

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Original poster

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:57

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/12/2024 12:52

I don’t think your dd will thrive in such a competitive environment. She’s lovely, good at some things and not others, and not someone who stands out. Not everyone stands out and other qualities are far more important. If she doesn’t learn this at school you could if you wanted model it at home.

We have been thinking for some time to move her to a state school actually (mainly because of the fees). But I was worried she would get lost in a big class etc

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SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/12/2024 12:59

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:57

We have been thinking for some time to move her to a state school actually (mainly because of the fees). But I was worried she would get lost in a big class etc

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Is she socially quite confident? Make friends OK?

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 13:01

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 12:57

We have been thinking for some time to move her to a state school actually (mainly because of the fees). But I was worried she would get lost in a big class etc

Show quote history

Respectfully, by the sound of it, you’re worried that she’s already lost in a (presumably) small class…?

Original poster

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 13:06

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo

Yes she's socially very happy and friends with lots of the girls. Gets invited to parties etc

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Original poster

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 13:07

@HardlyLikely

Ha true! Good point

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SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/12/2024 13:10

schoolmum11 · 09/12/2024 13:06

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo

Yes she's socially very happy and friends with lots of the girls. Gets invited to parties etc

Then she’d make friends in a new school. It might work really well for her.

uptheculdesac · 09/12/2024 13:16

@TyreChangeLightOn

The same kids will "peak at high school" as the saying goes...
But that's not what happens. Sometime it may but more often the confidence from achievement builds on itself and they continue being leaders. That's why schools should as the OP suggests, ensure a little more intelligence goes into selection.
It's not even as if the OP is suggesting weak students get selected. Just the good ones who haven't been selected for other things

uptheculdesac · 09/12/2024 13:16

redskydarknight · 09/12/2024 12:29

I think this is what happens at academic competitive schools.
They very strictly pick the best person, and don't care about inclusivity.

So, I guess you have bought into this ethos by picking the school.

(My DC's schools would find a role in the drama production for everyone who wanted to be involved).

But the OPs school isn't just picking the best. They are picking the same dc over others who are equally able.

uptheculdesac · 09/12/2024 13:20

MargaretThursday · 09/12/2024 12:54

I understand how you feel, but I think you're wrong about the maths.
The teacher used a definite rule to choose, which meant the one who on paper scored better was given the chance. That's fair.

Then why have a selection test at all? Just go by who is performing the best overall at maths. They had a competition test specifically to select. At that point when two got the same score they could have gone for either dc and could have chosen the dc who hasn't been selected for other things.