To mind Facebook posts which show pictures of my deceased parents

[Izzy24]

which are posted by my sibling? I truly don’t know whether IABU or not.

Not at all the same but similar, one of my cousins posts picture of our grandparents on their birthdays and the anniversary of their death. I don’t mind, as such but it always gives me a little jolt of grief when I suddenly come across them in my Facebook feed and I’m not really expecting to see them.

But like you said OP, he has the right to post, it’s how he deals with his grief, and I have the right to have my own feelings about it too.

You very much have my sympathies.

Gently, I think YABU, but I get it.

I was beyond livid with my sister when I came across a TikTok account where she was sharing a daily account of what was happening to our Dad in ITU, complete with very graphic details of things he would have hated being made public. My feelings were compounded by the fact that she refused to visit him because she found it ‘too distressing’, but was okay to let me destroy myself every day for 3 weeks watching him deteriorate and die, whilst sharing the updates I would give her every day to random strangers on SM for attention.

I shared nothing about his illness or death on SM because I knew he wouldn’t want me to, but she’s always posting photos of herself with Dad, usually accompanied by some shit caption about ‘staying strong’ and ‘NHS heroes’ as if she was there (I’m a nurse and still it fucks me off no end!) Whilst I will always love her, the way she behaved has tainted my view of her forever I think.

I know you and I are both BU as we all grieve differently, but I fully understand how you feel. I’ve just muted my sister’s posts so I can pretend she isn’t making them, could you do the same for your brother?

You have a right to your feelings. Your siblings have a right to put up the photos . It would be unfair to expect them to do otherwise just because you don't like it.

Ask them not to send you links, don't click on them if they do.

I actually think that's very different and your sister was really out of line sharing personal medical details of your father online when he couldn't agree to that.

A family photo of a deceased family member is different.

If she wants to share the photos then she can. I sometimes do on birthdays and anniversaries of my deceased parents. Family members like to see them and remember the occasions the photos were taken.
You can unfollow her posts on facebook so that they don't show up on your feed and don't click on the links she sends.

It’s the reason I get so fucked off with her sharing photos of him now, though. I wouldn’t mind it if she hadn’t behaved in the way she did. I think the relationship between them in life is important for context. The photos she shares now are only ever photos of the two of them, with captions portraying herself to be absolutely devoted to him when she wouldn’t actually come to see him in hospital. I’m almost glad he was in a coma the entire time as he never had to know that she wouldn’t come.

I occasionally share photos of Dad when it’s relevant; it’s been a year of ‘firsts’ without him, so first birthday, first Father’s Day, about to be first Christmas. I still haven’t actually posted anywhere on SM that he has died, though.

They’re their memories as much as they are yours, so you don’t get to police what they do, sorry.

Sorry but yabu. You don't have the right to tell her how to grieve/remember her parents.

If you find it upsetting ask her to restrict you from that particular post or adjust your own settings.

The issue is OP's sibling sends them the posts. That's what's wrong

You can't help how you feel and Ii'd never tell you that you can't feel what you feel.... but yes, YABU in that it's a lolvely photo of your parents that your sibling has chosen to share to commemorate them and that is completely fine and absolutely okay.

If you find it really upsetting, I'd message your sibing saying something like - that's a lovely photo of mum and dad but I find it so hard to see those, can you please not tag me or send me links next time?

In our case, we have found that each of us have days that we find harder than others. So my brother gets really upset that the rest of us don't particularly notice or feel extra sad on the day that our mum collapsed - but then, he was THERE and had to deal with it, and the doctors etc, we weren't. It was obviously very traumatic for him. Similarly, it appears I'm the only one who really finds her birthday hard - for whatever reason, I spend a lot of time thinking about her on her birthday. This year was the first time I didn't really dwell on it. The others all notice it, but if anything, I think they feel happy on her birthday as they remember the good times. Each to their own.

Sorry, I didn't see her further reply. Yes she should stop sending links directly.

My mum passed away 10 years ago. Every anniversary of her death, her friend posts photos of her (stolen from my timeline) and says things like Gone but not Forgotten. She tags me and I untag myself. It upsets me, I don’t know why and I know it’s probably irrational but it really irks me. I don’t post on her anniversary because I think people who do this on FB are attention seeking. I don’t need to post to remember her so why does her friend need to?

As you say, your sibling has as much right to do this as you have not to want to see them, and as such the solution to this is for you to hide or mute your sibling's social media posts and not click on any SM links they send you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can answer this because I do it every year. Its not attention seeking at all as I rarely post.

It helps me as I hate the idea that they are forgotten. Especially with a tragic death at a young age, it's an ongoing trauma really. It brings me such a lot of comfort to read the memories others have and how missed they are. I feel I'm not as alone if that makes sense.

It’s so hard because we all grieve differently. Personally it would borderline anger me if I felt the pictures were being posted for ‘likes/attention’ could that be what’s bothering you? That would certainly bother me tbh. I wii it I’d hate to see something so personally reduced to a social media dopamine hit. Maybe that is what’s really bothering you? Which I personally completely understand.

@Iloveyoubut

and others who have said this. Yes, I think you’re right that it’s part of it.

I have shared asked them not to do this and tbh I just absentmindedly opened the link today but I just won’t open any links in future.

We don’t have an easy relationship and (being an eternal optimist) I always live in hope that it will change.

Thanks for all your thoughtful responses - it was really helpful when I didn’t want to involve anyone IRL but at the same time felt really sad about the whole thing.

Previously asked not shared !

I think you summed it up op. Sorry for your loss. You right she's allowed to post it and you allowed to not want it posted. However she shouldn't be sending you a link.

I agree that your sibling has a right to grieve how she feels she needs to and doesn't seem like that in itself is wrong. But, sending you the link when you've said it upsets you is really shitting and sounds like she's trying to provoke a reaction.

I'm not really a fan of emotional outpourings on social media. I don't need to publicly acknowledge my grief but other members of my family do and that's ok. I don't love them any less for not sharing pictures, memes and emotional posts.

When it becomes too much though, it gives me the ick and feels a bit odd and attention seeking. But again, I recognise we're all different.

You are not wrong to be upset. I suppose she has every right to post her own parents but definitely not right to send it to you. Sorry for your loss.

She is what I call a grief vampire. It does my head in.

You’re not alone in feeling like that. I would hate it. As an insight, when my mum died I wanted to look at photographs, not put them in frames and make a shrine but just look, and I sent a couple of really meaningful ones to friends on WhatsApp. My aunt wanted to go out and buy photo frames and construct an area in her home where she had a little shrine (in the nice meaning of the word) and that gave her comfort. My son didn’t really want to see pictures straight away but I think he was in shock - it was a very sudden death snd my father 3 years later will still not look at a picture and my aunt hides her pictures if he comes over as he can’t cope. We’ve figured a way to respect each other and accept that we’re all different - which I’m amazed by as we’re not a great family tbh but none of us are on social media. I have a friend who posts pictures of a deceased younger relative, they’re posted randomly to a large audience and I feel so bad for the mother of the deceased as she has no warning and it very much is for ‘likes’ and it’s awful. I think people don’t see how awful it is as it’s become normalised … but it’s not normal. I hope you’ve felt like you’re valid in your feelings and you’re not alone in feeling the way you do by posting here and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sorry, but I think YABU. They were your sibling's parents just as much as they were yours, and your sibling is perfectly entitled to share photos of them and talk about them. I don't think you can reasonably expect to dictate to a sibling how/when they can share photos of your mum and dad. Sharing picture with their friends on social media is really no different from having a picture on the wall that their friends see when they visit.

Everyone remembers people they love in different ways.

When my dad dies, he won't even have a grave markers or plaques where their ashes are interred. None of my family feels the need for that sort of public memorial. We'll all remember him in our own way, and we'll cherish those memories as much we cherish him now.

When my father-in-law died, my partner's family wanted a gravestone in a churchyard, and my MIL has him mentioned in prayers every year on the anniversary of his death. MIL visits his grave regularly and so does SIL. She always shares a picture of him on their wedding anniversary on social media every year.

Neither approach is right or wrong. It's just that all people are different and nobody 'owns' anyone's death. Your mum's friend misses her and that's how she chooses to express that. You, of course, miss your mum, but you just have different ways of expressing it and remembering her. There's no finite amount of love/grief - there's enough for everyone, and one person sharing doesn't mean there's less for you.