To be sick of DMs passive aggression

[Trimbleton]

DM is a tricky character. I love her dearly but she’s extremely thin skinned and, as often happens, she is leaning into this and a general crankiness as she ages.

She is always slighted by someone, family, friends, neighbours etc which is exhausting and negative for her and everyone around her.

I visited her with my son the other day, my sister was there and we were talking about a TV show that touched on a subject that is a bit of a family ‘secret’ . It’s something no family would want to highlight and relates to my fathers side of the family who my DM hates as she and my father (now dead) divorced and he wasn’t great.

My DM started to openly talk about this in front of my son and I gave her a look to say stop.

I called later that evening about something else and asked that she please don’t mention this again as I really don’t feel the next generation need to carry this. We don’t see my fathers family, the relevant people are all dead, it’s not a trauma we carry ( all happened before we were born)

She took this very badly, well it’s not my family etc. and since then it’s silent treatment. It’s just exhausting. AIBU to have enough do this , particularly around Christmas !

You can’t change what people do only how you respond to it. You were right to ask her not to mention it, detach yourself from her sulking, be bright and breezy and try not to let her sit in your head. Therapy would probably help if you can access it.

I'm not sure I'm following exactly...

Was she saying things that were unacceptable for a young child (your son, not sure of age?) to hear? If so then she's BU and you're fine to ask her not to, of course.

Or was it that she was bringing up something that's painful for you? This scenario is more complicated imo, as you and your sister were watching the programme/discussing the topic, so could her view be that you "started it," for want of a better phrase?

It’s not that it’s painful - it all happened before we were born.

But it is something that is shaming and that you might not want widely known. I see no need to carry on something into a 3rd generation.

My issue is that my DM raised it to my DC thus bringing to light something that there really is no value in her knowing. It probably is me projecting how I feel about this, but my DM does have form for endlessly dredging up my late father and his families transgressions.

My own DM is very much like this so I can relate to that. I think you’ve dealt with that the correct way, because your child is yours and it’s up to you what is and isn’t discussed in their presence. You were merely following up with an explanation as to why you made it clear it wasn’t to be discussed in front of her grandchild. As for the tantrum and silent treatment don’t give it any energy or time. She may not like your boundary, but she’s not entitled to trample all over it just so she doesn’t have to accept it. You did the right thing IMO, and the only person that should be feeling anything about their behaviour is your DM.

All of that has serious red flags for being narcissistic. Sounds like you're the only ones willing to put up with her now and if you dare challenge or politely request your given silent treatment. I'd enjoy it whilst it lasts, my dad was like this, always the victim despite really being the instigator -
a few weeks later would waltz in like nothing happened not a mention of his bad behaviour.

I think she likely has a lot of these traits. As a follow up, she said that I had no business correcting her because it was my family and my blood, not hers so really nothing to do with her. The mind boggles, she’s a nightmare really.😂

Just change the subject and let it go over you. She starts talking about the sensitive subject, you interrupt and talk about something else. She starts complaining about something, tell her that's too bad and talk about the traffic.

Limit visits and keep them short. If she starts on the phone, you've got something in the oven. Learn to manage her.

Personally, I find that family 'secrets' are better off being aired and talked through, rather than hushed up -- this doesn't mean you want to 'highlight' them, you just acknowledge them. But obviously, that's your call as regards your daughter, if she's a child.

I will say, though, as someone from a family with significant 'secrets' in my grandparents' and great-grandparents' generation (serious, apparently hereditary mental illness, involvement in a notorious killing, and bigamy, among other things), it would have improved everyone's lives no end, if, once those directly involved had died, they could have been acknowledged. Instead my generation is left piecing together the past, because those events shaped the people who shaped us, and are, in my experience and that of my siblings, absolutely not dead and gone because the people actually involved are dead.