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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go to funeral?

20 replies

Scareofgettingthiswrong · 09/12/2024 11:17

I have a friend, let’s call her Macy.

Macy is a mother of 4. Our children are in a long term relationship, and so we met a few years ago and then spent time together. We have known each other for 4 years.

Macy is a very firey woman, I am not. I like solitude and friendships that are not too in-depth. She is very intense and likes to talk every day.

When I first met her, she had quite a few friends and acquaintances, but has pushed them all away. She drinks heavily and always speaks her mind, which can be very upsetting. She is also very clingy-she calls every day, and if I don’t pick up she will re-dial continuously. If I still do not pick up she will start messaging saying things like “why have we fallen out? Why aren’t you picking the phone up? Do I need to call the police? Has something happened?”.

Her mother has always been the same with her, and Macy would always make comments like “you are so lucky that your mother is dead” and then laugh it off. Unfortunately, now her mother has died. It is the funeral this week. I am working, and now live 30 miles away from her. The funeral is at 3pm. My youngest finishes primary school at 3.15pm. Macy has insisted that I take my youngest out of school so that we can help her set up for the funeral and then attend. I never met her mother, but obviously know Macy and feel duty bound to support her, particularly as no one else really seems to be friends with her any more. But in all honesty I just don’t want to. I don’t want to take a 6 year old to the funeral of someone she has never met. I don’t want her to miss school for it. I don’t want to pay £17.50 for after school club and have to leave the funeral 15 mins in to make sure I get back in time for the 5.30 pick up. In all honesty I don’t want to be friends with Macy, but where does that leave our children, who are in a serious relationship and talking about marriage? What a mess!

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 09/12/2024 11:21

Don't go the funeral - you didn't know her mother and you are not friends with Macy. You are only in touch with her because (unfortunately) your DC are in a relationship. However, you don't have to have any kind of relationship with her. You can be pleasant and courteous, but a friendship is not necessary. My parents aren't friends with my ILs and never have been.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2024 11:23

"I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm afraid I'm working that day. I'm only able to take leave for the funeral of a close family member so sadly won't be able to attend. My thoughts are with you and the family xx".

DarkAndTwisties · 09/12/2024 11:23

I'm not sure why you would go, and definitely not why your child would. To your child, this woman who has died is their sibling's partner's grandmother? My grandma died recently and it didn't occur to me (or my mum) that DH's younger brother would come to the funeral. My in-laws didn't come either. I have a great relationship with them and they are friendly with my parents, but never met my grandma and I'm not sure anyone considered that they'd come.
Just tell her the school won't authorise the absence, which to be fair they probably wouldn't.

toucheee · 09/12/2024 11:25

Don't go to the funeral.

You can't facilitate your child's relationship, it either succeeds or fails on its own.

I suspect Macy thinks she has you hooked for life due to their relationship, don't give her the satisfaction.

Start drawing back by not going to the funeral.

user1471538283 · 09/12/2024 11:28

No you do not go. I didn't take my DS out of school to attend a really dear old friend's funeral and he knew her well and it was in the same city. I picked him up after school to go to the celebration.

You would have to tie yourself and your DC in knots to set up and serve at the funeral for a woman you did not know and a woman who sounds a bit unhinged. No.

JC03745 · 09/12/2024 11:29

Send flowers and a card- don't attend the funeral. As someone above said- you are working and can't take leave. End of.

IF your children continue their relationship, fine, you still don't need to be friends with Macy.

Curtainqueen · 09/12/2024 11:30

I didn’t expect my mum to be friends with DH mum , certainly wouldn’t expect her to be as invested in this woman’s bull shit as you seem to be. Why on earth are you so enmeshed in this rubbish? She doesn’t have any holds over you just because your children are together.

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2024 11:32

No.

BarbaraHoward · 09/12/2024 11:33

I think this one will be heavily background dependent. In my culture (Irish) you absolutely would go to the funeral of a friend's mother, or your child's in-law. Not going would be making a bit of a statement about your friendship.

I'd book after school club, go to the funeral and then back away.

Womblewife · 09/12/2024 11:36

sorry but I wouldn’t go. You are being kept on the hook by this overbearing woman and you need to step back. She is not making your life happier, she is draining you. Just say you are working and then turn your phone off for a few hours. This “shall I call the police?” Nonsense is manipulation, you need to nip that in the bud.

Jumell · 09/12/2024 11:36

Must admit I was a bit 😮😮😮 at the ‘dialling continuously’

i just wouldn’t go to the funeral OP based on what you’ve written

yes you might get some back lash - but I feel your kids should feel free to have a relationship regardless of the position with you and Macy . The others in the situation need to be mature about this - by others I mean Macy

harriethoyle · 09/12/2024 11:37

@DelphiniumBlue message is perfect and very difficult for Macy to argue with…

NanFlanders · 09/12/2024 11:39

DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2024 11:23

"I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm afraid I'm working that day. I'm only able to take leave for the funeral of a close family member so sadly won't be able to attend. My thoughts are with you and the family xx".

This ^

Jumell · 09/12/2024 11:39

harriethoyle · 09/12/2024 11:37

@DelphiniumBlue message is perfect and very difficult for Macy to argue with…

AGREE

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2024 11:47

DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2024 11:23

"I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm afraid I'm working that day. I'm only able to take leave for the funeral of a close family member so sadly won't be able to attend. My thoughts are with you and the family xx".

This is a great message OP.

Are you worried that pulling back from her desire for an intense friendship with you will have a negative impact on your relationship with your child and their partner? She sounds very needy and quite toxic.

mondaytosunday · 09/12/2024 11:49

I recently went to the funeral of a friend's mother who I had never met. I went to support my friend (who has plenty of other friends, three siblings who were there and her own three adult kids). But she asked me to go so I did, for her.
But the difference is I love my friend. I've known her for 35 years. She has been very kind to me in the past. None of this seems to apply to you.
Say as @DelphiniumBlue suggests. And withdraw from the relationship. Just because your kids are dating doesn't mean you have to be friends.

godmum56 · 09/12/2024 12:01

while I understand that older children should be free to be friends with who they like....(and you don't say how old the kids in the long term relationship are) why would you want this woman in your life or in the lives of your kids?

Catza · 09/12/2024 12:52

My aunt married young. He MIL was a bit of a full on woman and miles away from a person my grandmother would find comfortable being friends with. They met each other at family functions and exchanged phone calls on birthdays. That was it. You absolutely don't have to be friends with someone just because your kids are dating or married. Being civil is all that's required.
So no, don't go to the funeral. Say that you are not available to attend or even that you don't particularly want to seeing that you have never met her mother.

Endofyear · 09/12/2024 17:39

You don't have to be friends with her because your children are in a relationship. You can be polite and distantly friendly. The phone calls and messages would be enough for me to cut her off though. And I would just tell her point blank that you're not going to the funeral. Ultimately you are not responsible for how she responds or behaves and you can't control that. All you can do is set your own boundaries and stick to them. Honestly, I'd be worried about my child being in a relationship with someone who was brought up by this woman 😳

Welshmonster · 10/12/2024 08:37

You need to set boundaries. Show your children the messages and say you need to protect your own mental health.

say you are not taking your child out of school for a funeral.

you have to now put yourself first. Let her call the police if she wants as she will get in trouble. Just block her so you don’t get all the messages. If this was a partner doing it to you then it would be gaslighting

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