It’s another SIL one!!

[Gracie86]

Are SIL relationships always more difficult than the relationship between a DIL and MIL?!

SIL is 2 years older than me. I’m married to her younger brother. We’ve never really clicked and I find making conversation and just being around her awkward.

She has mental health problems - situational depression based on her marriage breaking up 5 years ago. 5 years on everyone just gives her the green light to be rude and to say inappropriate things.

A couple of months ago it was my birthday. PIL had bought me some very nice Jo Malone bits. She asked what her parents had bought me and then exclaimed that she couldn’t believe they had bought me two gifts and how expensive they were. I was left feeling really awkward. I’m not the quickest at thinking of things to reply with.

On the family WhatsApp she would post pictures of her with DH with captions such as Remember your Roots Little Bro and Big Sis Loves Ya. She has never posted photos of her with the other brother.

Yesterday DH posted some pictures of some work we are having done at home. When I met DH I sold my old flat which is paying for the work. She was quick to reply saying how proud she was of her little bro for working so hard to pay for it all. Our finances are none of her business, but the assumption that I’m not contributing towards the work has really annoyed me. Yes, it’s her and yes I’m probably reading too much into things.

I have and will never stop DH from seeing his sister, but last night something in me snapped and I said I’d had enough of her digs. DH immediately starts defending her and I’m left feeling like the villain. There’s a lot of things she’s said to me over the years which I’ve just put up with, but I’ve said I don’t particularly wish to see her as I’m expected to put up with dig after dig (about my family, about my weight, her asking to borrow huge sums of money, telling our DD things about me which are untrue). I’ve simply had enough and I don’t want this woman in my head. I’ve told DH that he can go spend 2 days after Christmas with her but I’m not going. Of course that’s wrong. I’m just always the villain and I don’t know how to change that narrative.

Seems your FIL is as much of a twat as his daughter is!

You will never win with these type of people.

Tips:

keep contact to a minimum
be civil
smile and nod
avoid giving any major details about your life

EXCEPT to boast! About a pay rise, a promotion and achievement ANYTHING to piss her off!

Great advice!

Distance is your weapon. When my DP's mother seriously upset me several times and DP refused to say anything as he 'would rather upset you than see Mum cry' I stepped back.

I'd often send DP and DD to visit his parents on their own and when I see his mum I stick to polite chit chat only. I leave all communication and sorting to him nowadays - and given he has a very demanding job and is disorganised this isn't to her benefit.

DP and his mum weren't at all happy with my sudden lack of effort but as I'm perfectly nice there's nothing they can do.

Extending from this. Look up FOG and medium chill/grey rock. Your DH will have FOG I expect. It’s a tricky childhood issue to unpick. You don’t need him to change for this to stop hurting you. You don’t need anyone to change but yourself. If you stop letting it bother you, then the silence that you leave in space that would usually be your emotional reaction rebounds it back onto them in my experience.

saying that it’s not easy (took me years) but I now pitty my in-laws… if I bother to think about them at all. Recommendation I had from a counsellor. Stop trying to get her to not be a bitch. If she wants to be a bitch she’s just going to and she’s going to know your DH well enough to get round his defences. Issues with my in-laws plagued my DH and my marriage for years. We fought between ourselves before, during and after visits. That’s all stopped now.The recommendation was to give her a rating in your head for her behaviour. Ooh she really put some thought into that comment 10/10. Ooh that stung 10/10. Took some time but in the end the stinging score came down and then I found I had forgotten to do it. My MIL rarely bothers now as I’m not giving her the reaction she was looking for. Once I stopped getting upset and left my in-laws to my DH rather than trying to fix things, he soon realised he struggled with them - really struggled. He got some counselling support and he’s a grey rock master now!

These people sound absolutely awful, of course your daughter will look like you! Stupid old fool. What is wrong with people?

Two great posts above.

Distance, distance and more distance.
Tell your husband go alone.
When you do very occasionally see her, be super breazy and full of happy cheerful news to your inlaws.

Life is too short to be sround this.
I find men like your husband very icky.

My colleagues husband was like that and she was given a tip.
No matter what the situation involving her husband, she took the other side or didn't see what happened or just had a completely opposite view.

She could see her colleagues or bosses point of view.
She could see why he had been beeped and given the bird when driving.
She understood why his friend hadn't included him in a round of golf.
She didn't see the guy who nearly crashed into him.
Extremely PA.
Eventually he cracked and asked what her problem was.
She said nothing, just giving you a dose of what you are like after a weekend with your family.
It didn't change him over night but it gave him pause and basically he knew she would give him back the support he gave her.
She said it helped over time.

Is she like this with any of her other siblings partners? She sounds horrendous and I would do as a pp said, start giving them the same treatment back and them tell them they are being sensitive when they get offended and also say to your husband “fuck her mental health, what about mine” tell him how it’s affecting you too.

No. The other brother isn’t married or with anybody currently. I have said that to him re my mental health and that I’m tired of being the villain. He just goes into defence mode.

Has he corrected his sister and told her that actually it's your money that's funding the building work? If not, why not? Why isn't he standing up for you? Why is it OK for you to be upset, but not his precious sister?

This is what I’m struggling with - it’s ok for me to be upset but it goes unchallenged and accepted.

Definitely don’t visit at Christmas. I wouldn’t let this bitch have access to my child when I am not there either, given what you have said.

DH can go and you can have a lovely time together

No advice I’m afraid because everything I have tried in 20 years has not really worked, but I empathise with you. So many similarities in our stories though, mine is a proper pain in the arse but she generally has a harder life than most and therefore everyone lets her get away with murder… stay strong, ignore as much as you can. Sadly DH, yours or mine, are unlikely to change in their views about their sisters… dont let her make you bitter…