It's been 8 years and I've just clicked how the narcissistic abuse has happened and I feel like a huge idiot
We met when I was 19 him 18. My dad had just died and I was incredibly vulnerable and pushed everyone away. I had no family and my friends were young too.
He made it out I was so awkward and uncomfortable everyone hated spending time with and no one liked me. People hated when I went places. Especially his mum and step dad. They hated me being over at their house because I was so uncomfortable and rude. He gave me nearly all his time so I thought omg what an amazing person putting up with me being such an awkward uncomfortable person.
We had our first baby very quickly into this I was only 20. And then things got so bad. He didn't give me a house key to our "house". Would lock me out if I went to see friends with work the next day and no childcare plans for our baby. He would call me names, belittle me, bully me into sex etc. he thought I should be a slave around the house etc
I escaped after a year and got a house just me and our baby. He never saw her or had any plans on doing it until he came begging for me back. Stupidly I took him back. He made me believe I was awful and awkward and had no one. So I acted that way. I'd avoid all plans with anyone and isolated so badly I did become really hard to make conversation with. He had manipulated me into becoming that. We then had another child a year later. Things got worse again
We're now 8 years in with 3 kids and I've been so stupid I've let myself think he's my saviour and I'm so awful and awkward and "no one would ever want me" I'm so used up, three kids, no job, no life, no friends no one could ever want me and my friends aren't really my friends. He left for a year and I became close to my friends and family again
I've realised I am likeable. I am a good person and everything bad about me he said was just his own insecurities. I'm super close with my sister and she said I am the type of person who makes her feel like she is a lovable person and I radiate kindness and make you feel better. This opposite to what he told me.
I did let him back in 5 months ago claiming he realised he was a narcissistist and it's because his step dad is and emotionally abused his mum. His mum left him this year and it opened his eyes to him treating just as his stepdad treated her. And he's so sorry he can see how badly his mum was treated. For the first time ever I felt validated and he said he'd never do that to me again yet here we are. He's silent treating me. Uses sex as a way to try and control me. Says he wants sex 2 times a day and I used to be able to do that but now I don't and is fixated on that. He has called me awkward etc again yet but I'm sure that's to come. He did make a comment about me not wanting to answer the door to a joiner and could he as me being an awkward b word.
It's taken me 8 years to get to this point. He manipulated me into being his puppet and he was my saviour.
I am a smart person. I got the dux at school and went to uni to do law. I did dropped out after he bullied me into it. But I'm not dumb. This should never have happened to me. I've lost the years of 19-28 with this horrible nasty man. I have never been in love. I have never known a normal relationship. I have never seen human decency from him. For years and years he made sure he was my only social interaction and I broke for years. I've been a robot merely existing. I will never ever get that time back. I'm so livid.
I used to hate my life outside my kids. My only happiness was my kids. Which he endlessly tries to ruin for me too
The other day the kids had Christmas jumper day and I got their jumpers for them ready and wanted a nice photo of them. He jumped in front of my phone to ruin the photo. Then kept pushing into me so it was blurry. The kids copied him as they would because they are kids. Then when I didn't laugh he went aw no your mummy's going to cry like a baby. He belittles me in front of the kids to turn them against me.
I went for dinner with my friend the other day. And he announced yeah mummy's ditching you she doesn't want to spend time with you. For me going to dinner. He is out every single weekend and during the week. He maybe spends 1 night a week in then needs his "own time" so the kids should stay away from him. But had the kids saying to me whatever when I said bye to them and to go ahead and ditch them doesn't matter their daddy wouldn't do that to them
How do I end my kids being turned against me and making me the bud of the joke and him making them hate me and think I'm a loser. He did this to his own mum. since his step dad humiliated his mum in front of him all the time