Passive husband

[PandaPeacock]

My husbands on the quiet side. He won't talk to people in a hurry. He used to go out with a few close friends but he's stopped that because he didn't like one of them. So he doesn't socialise much. He does not have any special needs.

Anyway, the other day we were out for lunch with our kids and his brother and his kids. I was busy with the kids so didn't hear what he ordered. When his food arrived he looked at it then looked around. Looked at his plate again and just started eating. I asked if everything was okay. He said yes. Even his brother asked. He said yes. Then after he starts eating he says - this wasn't what he ordered! It would have taken a minute to check with the waitress and sort it out but he unhappily ate his meal.

Tonight we went out with friends, we preordered and I paid a deposit. So he was going to pay the remainder and the drinks. Beforehand I told him he only needs to pay £18 to cover our food and add the drinks to it. Towards the end of the evening, I say you can pay at the bar. He didn't go. He just sits there. He just gets quieter and quieter. That's how I know he's had enough and wants to leave. I tell him again, you can settle up at the bar. Finally when my friend goes up to pay - he follows. Now he knows how much to pay. The next thing he's calling me angrily asking about a deposit and he doesn't know what to pay. It's been discussed! My friend who is paying her half of the bill and the manager is there sorting out payment. Why am I working everything out again? I work out the total to the penny and he pays. I know I could have easily paid to make life easier but he makes 4 times my salary and I've already paid the deposit.

I'm just a bit fed up tbh. I hate having to manage things so he won't panic and get mean. Like if the parking lot is full, I know he'll get upset so I gently suggest a plan b. I just wish he would take charge of things and just take it all
in stride. It's seems like such a stupid thing to complain about, I know but tonight just irritated the hell out of me!

Sounds like an anxious chap. Bit of a stress head?

I guess unless he has a whole mindset change then he won't change. Perhaps he can't/won't.

This really sounds like anxiety.

He sounds very difficult to live with tbh, and he acts like a moody teenager
Has he always been like this?

Yes, sounds like anxiety which he is lovingly stoking so he can ruin years of everyone’s life with it.

Be under no illusion about what you are facing, this and escalating until death or you split.

I think I could only live with this if he acknowledged it and made adjustments eg handed you his card to pay in the example you give. If he won’t do that then he has to suck it up and work out how to go out to pay, or not to come if he’s just going to ruin your mood. So I’d give him the choice.

He won’t change. Accept him for who he has shown you he is, or don’t. But he won’t change.

If he earns 4x your salary I'm guessing he copes well at work? Or does he work for himself and doesn't have to interact with others much.

"Yes, sounds like anxiety which he is lovingly stoking so he can ruin years of everyone’s life with it."
"If he earns 4x your salary I'm guessing he copes well at work?"

Very much a typical response when anyone has an Anxiety Disorder. As someone with a lifelong social anxiety disorder, with a general anxiety disorder during periods of severe depression, I can honestly say there's been no 'lovingly stoking' of it, I've gained no pleasure or advantage from it, and my life has been ruined most of all by it.

As for the comments like 'why can they work, but they can't do this simple social task?', well there's a variety of reasons why this is the case.

1. They spend all day masking their anxiety and pushing themselves in situations they find intolerable and have no energy to do so when they get home.
2. Their job does not involve situations that affect their anxiety disorder
3. Having an anxiety disorder does not mean you can't face any challenging situations. For example, a relative of mine has a potentially life-threatening condition, which when severe, requires very precise and timely treatment. They would choose me over anyone else they know to support them in such situations, however, they also know if we go into a restaurant, they'll be doing all the ordering.

I don't know if it's due to the amount of co-opting of anxiety by people who don't actually have an anxiety disorder, or just that people still don't appreciate how debilitating, exhausting, scary and limiting it can be, but it remains an easy target to judge people by, which other health conditions aren't.

My DH isn't quite like this but I have described him as passive. It comes from a few angles. 1. Anxiety. 2. Conflict avoidance - raised by a mother who wouldn't accept even the smallest disagreement, so he learned to just keep quiet.

Does he also regularly let you do the handling of things so that you are always 'the bad guy' while he comes across as the easy, good guy? Nothing like being thrown under the bus by your DH so he can avoid discomfort.

The mother comment is pretty accurate actually. It's her way or else.

edit to add: In response to PietariKontio

None of which helps OP.

She is telling you she feels upset and put upon by this, and you are basically pushing the same line as her husband that she should silently anticipate his discomfort, step in so that he doesn’t experience it, and not mention it so that the situation doesn’t need to be acknowledged much less tackled.

The real difficulty here is that there will come a point where OP has to tell him she has had it up to here dealing with his mental health issues when he won’t, and that she finds it necessary to end the relationship.
Then what will he do? Not able to pay at a cashier, make an appointment over the phone or any of hundreds of little tasks necessary for normal living? All because he prioritised his anxiety disorder over his health.