DH stressed, I'm pregnant, can I expect more support

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tl;Dr - I am pregnant and struggling with my toddler, while DH is stressed. He keeps staying up late to 'unwind' and then sleeping in late. I think this is making the situation worse but he says he needs that time/sleep when he can get it

DH has a much more busy and stressful job than me. Mine pays almost the same but I can work from home and stressful periods are rare. This has been the case for our whole relationship, and therefore I've always done almost all of the housework (in theory his only job is bins, but I have to remind him if I want him to do it/anything) and he does DIY and bigger upkeep jobs when he gets time. Since we've had our 2yo I've also done most nursery pick ups and drop offs, probably about 6 of 8 most weeks.

I've always wanted him to help more with regular housework but accepted it's part of his stressful job. Now I'm 30 weeks pregnant and I am struggling with the double pick ups most days (I walk as he takes the car to work), the fact that the 2yo prefers DH (I think probably because I have to do all the boring stuff when I'm looking after her, while he can just take her on days out or sit with her while I'm tidying etc), and at the moment none of the DIY jobs are getting done because he's too busy at work. He's also obese, has related health issues, and is getting bigger - says he doesn't have time to sort it out. I don't ever bring it up because it upsets him but I am really scared about 2yo losing their dad to one or other of these issues. He eats mostly the same as me (healthy weight) at home so I think the issue is what he eats at work/when I'm alseep. At the moment he's in a busy period and has lots of things he wants to finish before no2 arrives so there is more for him to do than usual.

Last night I went to bed at 10, he said he wanted a snack and to 'unwind' for a bit (we'd watched an hour or so of TV together already). This morning when 2yo got up at 7 he rolled over and went back to sleep so I took her downstairs. Got to 8 and I text him to say he should get up if he's got work to do. I could see he'd seen WhatsApp at midnight last night so don't know how late he stayed up. There was also a multi pack of crisps in the bin. I woke him up at 8:30 and said it was ridiculous to stay up late and sleep in if he's stressed about the amount he's got to do. I also said if he went to bed earlier it might stop his excessive eating. He is upset with me, said well thanks for trying to understand and has been in the office all day today.

I'm just shattered and frustrated and starting to get worried about our marriage surviving two children. Should I be doing more to understand/help or am I reasonable wanting him to try to manage things a bit better? Either way, apart from not complaining, what can I actually do to help?

Oof. I was going to ask if he'd always been this selfish but then I realised his only job has always been the bins...

Is he willing to acknowledge in any way that you might be stressed by the housework, 2 yr old, pregnancy and having to slog about in the cold and rain and a job? He sounds like a self regarding twat.

Oh dear, someone needs to pull their head out of their arse and quickly, does he think when number 2 comes along it's going to magically get easier? Completely agree with what @Tealpins said too

Jeez, he even leaves you without a car to do the drop offs and pick ups??
You're being too nice about this. Why enable this lazy nonsense? You are going to have to toughen up here otherwise you will end up working with 2 kids and doing all the chores, and resenting him even more than you do already.
So tell him that as from now on you get the lie-ins as you are exhausted from growing a baby. Don't take DD downstairs so he can sleep, go downstairs or into the spare room yourself and leave him with DD.
Tell him you are having the car as you are doing the drop offs. Remind him you are working and growing a baby and that you are exhausted and can't facilitate accommodating him anymore. You might need to consider getting a second car if he needs to drive to get to work, or maybe you might drop him at a station. Maybe get him a bike, thus killing 2 birds with one stone.
Ask him why being stressed means that he can't do any chores. I don't see that there is a connection. He's not physically tired, he actually needs to do more, not less. Lying around playing games or watching TV is not going to improve his stress levels. Getting off his arse might.
But really, he's a dickhead to let his pregnant wife take all the strain while he indulges himself with his poor "woe is me" nonsense. He needs to stop thinking of himself. If he can't do that, then yes, I would say the relationship is in danger of collapse.

Agree with all the above. He needs to get his act together and support you.

You could sit him down and have an open, honest conversation explaining that you feel that your marriage will suffer once the baby is born unless he gets his act together. It is unreasonable for him to expect you to do everything else re childcare and housework. He needs to commit to a plan where he can take the dc in the evening and weekends and give you a break for a bit as well as take on some real house jobs (not just bins!). I would be specific about the plan and tack it to the fridge. If he doesn't commit to it, try couples counselling or assess what he is actually bringing to your life.

Thanks for the support. I'm honestly feeling like I'm going mad for seeing it this way because he gets upset when I suggest I need some more help. I maybe haven't made it clear that he works late a lot of evenings so it's not that he's twiddling his thumbs while I do pick ups and cook dinner, he usually gets home either after 8pm or when I'm in the middle of cooking and does take DD then. But otherwise I don't think he could disagree with the above, he just thinks the imbalance in our professional workload means he can't/shouldn't do any more

And yes his commute is cyclable, which we've talked about. He has a bike but it needs something fixing and he doesn't like the showers at work... It's something else that if I bring it up he looks like I'm putting the weight of another world on his shoulders. The nursery is a 20 minute walk each way so fine when I'm not pregnant! We probably will have to get a second car, especially if he continues to drive while I'm on maternity leave, we're just putting it off because of the extra expense (I would resent it as well because we wouldn't need it if he would just cycle to work!)

This isn't on. DH works full time and I am part time and he does more than this to support me in pregnancy with a toddler.

He does sound depressed though from the sound of the sleeping/ junk food/ gaming. Could he go to his GP?

We had some similar issues when DS was a baby and DH getting mental health support and making some healthy changes really helped.

You definitely need a car for nursery!

Thank you @Allswellthatendswelll, I'm not sure if it's depression but I do think he is quite overwhelmed by the stress and it might be heading that way. I will raise it with him, it will at least be a gentler start to a conversation that might get him to engage rather than immediately getting defensive.

You both sound stressed. My partner does the go to bed late/sleep late/eat awful food thing when he feels overwhelmed. It's some sort of peculiar coping mechanism. He also gets bigger and bigger which makes him feel awful about himself which makes him feel even more overwhelmed. Vicious circle really. Has he been to see his GP? That may be useful. Sometimes tiny steps are a good way of proceeding. Perhaps he could use public transport half the week and you take the car. Choose what's worst and tackle that first. Yes he absolutely should be doing his fair share, yes he definitely should be more supportive but may be it's too hard for him to move from where he is now to being an equal partner all in one go.

@Barney16 thanks for your thoughts. He is currently seeing the GP for high blood pressure and a foot problem but I don't think he has talked about his mental state. Just before our wedding a few years ago he was signed off for stress, and this does seem to be similar. The only difference is he sees it as a shorter term problem this time. However it is regularly enough of a problem that he can never deal with his weight.

To be honest, although I'm tired, I can manage doing as much as I do until maternity leave starts. The problem is the resentment from bending over backwards doing it all while he doesn't seem to be helping himself, let alone me! And DD misses him while he's working so much, so I feel sad for her that he's not making more effort

I completely sympathise. I feel like I do everything, infact I do do everything whilst my partner is depressed or anxious. We don't have children and that makes your situation much more tricky. I find it hard to broach the subject but it's essential for both their well being and for yours. If you can perhaps suggest he discusses his feelings with his doctor. At least then you feel like you are doing something.