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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Twin mum with no babysitters

24 replies

Mumsworld112 · 08/12/2024 20:22

It’s more of a vent really.
I have 9 month old twin boys and getting someone to babysit so that I can do anything is SO hard.
My mum lives far from me and works so having her as a babysitter is difficult, and my MIL and FIL live down the road but they are old and can’t handle babysitting both twins.

DH works long hours to provide for us but if I really need to I do get him to watch the twins sometimes so I can attend an appt etc.

But just generally making time for myself or taking the twins out alone is hard, and I always have to have a baby with me as I can’t get anyone in the family to babysit for both babies. It’s just frustrating and I know everyone has their own issues, but it feels like the village that was constantly pressuring me to have kids now isn’t there when I need them.

My work have offered a couple of KIT days to keep up with work but I can’t find childcare and don’t really want to send them to nursery one off like that.
Sometimes I feel if I had one baby atleast my inlaws would be able to babysit more, I love them to bits but this is one of the hardest things about twin parenting!

OP posts:

Bex5490 · 08/12/2024 21:09

God I take my hat off to anyone with twins.

I have a 5yr old who has autism and can be quite challenging + 8 month old baby.

On the odd occasion that I get time to myself it’s because I send them to two different babysitters.

Could you get a family member to have one each for a few hrs?

BlueMum16 · 08/12/2024 21:11

What are your plans when you finish mat leave? I used a nursery and the staff there would also work as babysitters in the evening. I didn't use them often but it did help.

Can DP take annual leave for your KIT days?

Ohthatsabitshit · 08/12/2024 21:14

You pay for a babysitter and do it less because it costs more.

claracluck1978 · 08/12/2024 21:17

OP it really is hard to find time in those early months, isn't it.
My DTs are 11 now and those baby days seem a lifetime ago but I remember the frustrations at not having time to do anything that wasn't baby related. Even when I had a friend pop by I still had one baby when they held the other.
Do you have a local twin group? Often they have recommended baby sitters who have helped one family and are happy and able to look after 2.
Twins are massively hard work & I really don't think most people get that unless they've had them. Good luck.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2024 21:17

I can understand it's frustrating but ultimately nobody owes you childcare. So either DH needs to step up more or go to a site like childcare.co.uk and find somebody experienced with twins who will do occasional nannying/babysitting and pay them.

MuchTooTired · 08/12/2024 21:17

I’ve no advice, just some solidarity - it is bloody hard with DTs. Really hard!

I’d suggest getting your DH to step up and have his kids more often so you get some time to yourself. I promise it does get easier when they’re older (mine are 6 now) because you can arrange play dates either together or separately, but when they’re babies unless you’ve family to call on (any siblings about?!) you’re kind of on your own!

anicecuppateaa · 08/12/2024 21:20

Agree with pp, ask at a local twin group. There are quite a few nannies round here that advertise in our twin group, and one of the twin mums now babysits for other people. Having said all that, my DTs are 4 and have never been babysat by anyone other than family.

Pollypoppy · 08/12/2024 21:35

Everyone has their struggles, I have a baby and both mine and my husbands parents have passed and we have no other family so it’s just us muddling along, I get through it by reminding myself that the baby won’t be small forever and it will get easier as they get older.

Workingthroughit · 08/12/2024 21:36

Paid babysitter.

Photodilemmas · 08/12/2024 21:38

Get nursery lined up if you can afford it and get some of your life back! Babies are hard especially 2 at once with no support. Don't feel guilty either.

healthybychristmas · 08/12/2024 21:41

That sounds really tough for you. Adorable but really tough! When do free nursery hours kick in?

TeenGreenBottles · 08/12/2024 21:42

This is Mumsnet so you're going to get a load of unhelpful replies from singleton parents.

I'd post on a twin group (lots on FB) for solidarity from people who get it. Yes, it's really unfair -someone takes one baby and feels like they're doing you a big favour (which they are) but you're left with one baby, so actually just like a singleton parent with no help! And it's not like you've chosen twins, unlike PP who have more than one child.

Sympathy and solidarity. Hopefully they might feel better having both when they're older. Do both sides get on? If so would two people come over at the same time so you can get a complete break?

Crazycatlady79 · 08/12/2024 21:46

That sounds tough and I really do empathise.
I've been on my own with my twin DC since they were 6ish months. No family etc at all to 'help'.
I think I was pretty much broken by the time they were 18ish months.
It has got easier as they have got older.

Hohohoididnotgo · 08/12/2024 21:49

TeenGreenBottles · 08/12/2024 21:42

This is Mumsnet so you're going to get a load of unhelpful replies from singleton parents.

Sympathy and solidarity. Hopefully they might feel better having both when they're older. Do both sides get on? If so would two people come over at the same time so you can get a complete break?

Agree with this. I think the challenges that come with twins are just different. It’s possible some with a tiny age gap might understand this but they chose that - with twins, you don’t.

I remember finding things like my NCT group all doing baby swimming lessons and so on hard and isolating. It’s tough and you’re allowed to verbalise that.

Christmaseason · 08/12/2024 21:53

Your DH is the ideal person to look after his DC and you have a little break from them, could you build this into your weekly, fortnightly or monthly routine?

Motherrr · 08/12/2024 21:55

Twin mum here... solidarity, it is bloody hard and super tough for you if you don't have much support.

What's your financial situation - could you afford a nanny even one day a week or part time- or a nanny share? For us it was cheaper getting a nanny with twins than putting them both in nursery. Apparently there are a lot of nannies looking for work atm due to the 30 free childcare hours the government now offers

Have you thought about contacting the charity home start?

Good luck. Everything with twins is made more difficult (but it will be easier for you when they can play together and entertain each other!) Hugs x

Didimum · 08/12/2024 21:56

Twin mum here and I can sympathise. Few people want to babysit twins – they just don’t have the confidence. You really need to pay for it.

Ethylred · 08/12/2024 21:58

I once heard that, with twins, you should expect to go into debt. That can mean paying for childcare with a loan from the bank.

FictionalCharacter · 08/12/2024 22:03

I had twins and absolutely no babysitting from family at all. It was very, very tough.
Get DH more used to looking after his own children while you do other things. Yes, he works long hours, but so do you. And I bet you don’t have as many breaks as he does.

I found a local childminder who was able to do occasional babysitting and it was well worth it.

AllYearsAround · 08/12/2024 22:05

The charity HomeStart often help twin mums with someone to come over once a week for a few hours and help them get out to groups - or watch the babies in the house while mum does something for herself.
I know it's not babysitting but it could be a help.

FictionalCharacter · 08/12/2024 22:06

Ethylred · 08/12/2024 21:58

I once heard that, with twins, you should expect to go into debt. That can mean paying for childcare with a loan from the bank.

That isn’t true at all. It depends on your incomes and your total household expenditure. It’s an incredibly expensive business, but I didn’t go into debt and I was not on a high income at all.

PerditaLaChien · 08/12/2024 22:11

Not dismissing that twins are hard but ime a lot of grandparents are reluctant to babysit a baby actually. Possibly because whereas our own grandparents were often only in their 50s or early 60s, our children's grandparents are quite a bit older - late 60s and early 70s.

Babies are both boring to look after (they can't chat, do funny/entertaining things the way a 4 or 5 year old can) or play a game etc) but also hard work (they cry, can be a pain to feed, don't sleep etc). I only had one baby at a time and I don't think anyone babysat either of them until they were about 2.

Your DH is the one who needs to step up & have both when you have appointments etc.

NuffSaidSam · 08/12/2024 22:54

Forget about your family doing it and start asking around for babysitter recommendations. Cultivate a relationship with a couple of regular babysitters so you have someone to call on. Someone who does childcare for a living isn't going to find twins a problem.

Bambaroo · 08/12/2024 23:30

I agree with other posters that it might be good to schedule some regular time where your husband can have the babies on his own. Or, alternatively, make a concerted effort to find a good and reliable babysitter.

I think you posted the other day about twins causing the issue with family childcare. Whilst I don’t doubt at all that it must be harder to get anyone to look after two babies, it might make you feel less alone to remember that a LOT of people, regardless of the number of babies, don’t have any family support at all. This means that having time away is difficult and either involves partners taking turns to have a social life or paying for childcare. I appreciate that twin parents are probably much more in need of the break though!

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