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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to the police, ex turning up.

24 replies

Homebaby · 08/12/2024 20:03

Good evening. Just after a bit of advice as unsure how to deal with this.
Split with obviously narcissistic ex 3 years ago, blocked on everything and very much nc. I have always kept an eye on my blocked text messages as although I don't get notified there is a folder on my phone where I can see them and I've always felt better knowing if he's "around". There have been many although he has given up with that now I've never replied to any of them. Earlier this year he created a new facebook account and sent me some messages on there so I immediately blocked without replying. Since then he has turned up at my door randomly every few months, I live on my own and am a proper mumsnet don't open the door unless I'm expecting someone type of person and once I see him through the glass I ignore it. He will leave after a few minutes. Worth noting that I put a cctv in operation sign on my gate so potentially he believes he's being recorded so takes it no further. This has happened again today and he shouted through my letterbox, nothing awful, just "hello homebaby, it's arsehole, hope you're ok". What can I do about this? On one hand it's no biggie, although he has a criminal record for violence he's never threatened me in any way. And although I'm single atm and very happily so if in the future I was to meet someone what are they going to think if it happens when they're here. If a guy told me his ex turns up sometimes but he ignores it I'd run a mile!
Can i go to the police with no evidence? If I took a picture of him on my doorstep there's no way it would come out clear enough and I wouldn't want to go further towards the door as he would see me. It's so annoying, I just want him to leave me alone!

OP posts:
Flughafenkoenigin · 08/12/2024 20:06

Yes go to the police. Your account of what has been happening (including as much detail as you can) will be evidence.

Crumpleton · 08/12/2024 20:11

I'd video him shouting through the letter box...even if it's not considered by you as nasty it's not wanted and unnecessary.

It could be seen as intimidating.

sunshineday20 · 08/12/2024 20:12

Please go to the police. You don't need evidence of him being at your house for them to give words of advice to him. Let them do that and see what happens from there. If I were you I'd consider a ring doorbell, keep a log of everything he does also.

mumstheword001 · 08/12/2024 20:16

Could you get a ring doorbell or even a security camera? We have one and you can view it through your phone. We have a cheap one but it’s really good! It also says “ hello welcome” whenever someone comes on our property. Could be a good deterrent, and you have the evidence you need should you need to report him.

Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 20:22

Crumpleton · 08/12/2024 20:11

I'd video him shouting through the letter box...even if it's not considered by you as nasty it's not wanted and unnecessary.

It could be seen as intimidating.

I was really cross with myself today for not doing that but everything happened so fast, door knocked, I went to answer, saw it was him and tbh I think I just froze before he shouted. I think he is trying to be clever by being "nice" as without knowing him it could be perceived as being nothing when in reality it does feel threatening to me.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/12/2024 20:23

It's harassment I'd get it on official record

Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 20:29

mumstheword001 · 08/12/2024 20:16

Could you get a ring doorbell or even a security camera? We have one and you can view it through your phone. We have a cheap one but it’s really good! It also says “ hello welcome” whenever someone comes on our property. Could be a good deterrent, and you have the evidence you need should you need to report him.

I have considered a ring doorbell, I'm probably going to sound off my rocker now but I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not know if he's been there. I sometimes work really unsociable hours and the thought of going home wondering if he's still there would worry me more than the not knowing. I know, crackers! Every time it happens when I'm home I think it will be the last but after today I'm thinking that I need to be a bit more proactive and sort it out, I think I need to give my head a wobble and get the doorbell or camera. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 20:33

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/12/2024 20:23

It's harassment I'd get it on official record

I know, it's so hard when you know what they are and what they're doing but have nothing to prove it. I will go and speak to the police though and at least have it logged. Thank you.

OP posts:
Gladragdoll · 08/12/2024 20:33

Yes do report him. You’ve got enough evidence of repeat, unwanted contact on your phone. It’s a big concern that he’s still contacting you and turning up on your doorstep after 3 years of nc. He’s got previous for violence so I’m sure the police will take it seriously.

WinterCrow · 08/12/2024 20:36

I've been where you are, and the Police were actually incredibly sympathetic and effective.

I do completely understand that you'd 'rather not know', i.e. block it out, but try to think of it as short-term pain for long-term gain.

Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 20:44

WinterCrow · 08/12/2024 20:36

I've been where you are, and the Police were actually incredibly sympathetic and effective.

I do completely understand that you'd 'rather not know', i.e. block it out, but try to think of it as short-term pain for long-term gain.

The police being effective in your case is really good to know! Sorry you've had to go through this aswell, it's rubbish isn't it. I just want to get on with my life (hence the not wanting to know thing haha)

OP posts:
xyz111 · 08/12/2024 20:47

Yes please speak to the police. It's harassment and he's becoming a stalker!

Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 20:47

Gladragdoll · 08/12/2024 20:33

Yes do report him. You’ve got enough evidence of repeat, unwanted contact on your phone. It’s a big concern that he’s still contacting you and turning up on your doorstep after 3 years of nc. He’s got previous for violence so I’m sure the police will take it seriously.

It's crazy, every time I think will be the last but it just keeps happening. The frustrating thing is that it's months apart so I think he'll never appear again, forget about it and then he turns up. He knows exactly what he's doing which makes it all the more frustrating.
I will speak to the police, thank you.

OP posts:
EnFlique · 08/12/2024 21:01

It may be worth contacting your local domestic abuse service. Many are able to support with target hardening (ring doorbell or panic alarm, sash jammers, lock changes etc) and will support you in reporting to the police and pursuing a protective order if you feel you need it.

I understand what you’re saying in terms of you’d rather not know if he’s been there, but on the flip side it could also prevent you returning to find him there as you’d have advance notice.

Theoldqueen · 08/12/2024 21:03

WinterCrow · 08/12/2024 20:36

I've been where you are, and the Police were actually incredibly sympathetic and effective.

I do completely understand that you'd 'rather not know', i.e. block it out, but try to think of it as short-term pain for long-term gain.

Wanted to echo this - I found the police extremely kind, helpful and reassuring in a similar situation.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/12/2024 21:04

It's deliberate mindfucking

Would Womens Aid help ?

Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 21:14

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/12/2024 21:04

It's deliberate mindfucking

Would Womens Aid help ?

It is, it's the one thing he's good at. I hate that he's able to do it to me still 3 years on. Bar moving which isn't happening I'm at a loss as to how to get him gone.
Someone else has suggested a dv organisation, I hadn't thought of going down that route so thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 21:16

EnFlique · 08/12/2024 21:01

It may be worth contacting your local domestic abuse service. Many are able to support with target hardening (ring doorbell or panic alarm, sash jammers, lock changes etc) and will support you in reporting to the police and pursuing a protective order if you feel you need it.

I understand what you’re saying in terms of you’d rather not know if he’s been there, but on the flip side it could also prevent you returning to find him there as you’d have advance notice.

I hadn't thought of trying that so thank you. That might be a good place to start!

OP posts:
GettingThemFromHereToThere · 08/12/2024 21:23

He’s stalking you. With a violent past, I’m sure the police will act. I would expect though that this may trigger an increase in his harassment as he looks for more interaction; can you afford to move or do you have someone who you can stay with or who can stay with you? It’s possible that reporting to police will escalate this, although hopefully will mark the start of the end too, it doesn’t sound like time is going to stop him after 3 years.

Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 21:41

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 08/12/2024 21:23

He’s stalking you. With a violent past, I’m sure the police will act. I would expect though that this may trigger an increase in his harassment as he looks for more interaction; can you afford to move or do you have someone who you can stay with or who can stay with you? It’s possible that reporting to police will escalate this, although hopefully will mark the start of the end too, it doesn’t sound like time is going to stop him after 3 years.

Part of me is worried that he will kick off if I involve the police. For what he's done in the past he really should have been locked up by now but he always seems to get off lightly with the nice guy/trying to get his act together sob story so I've little faith this relatively minor issue will get him brought to book and I'll suffer the consequences.
I refuse to move, I love my home and although it would solve the problem I will not uproot my life for him. There are people around me I could stay with/stay with me though.
I thought giving him nothing back would be enough for him to stop, now I think he just never wants to be forgotten. Unfortunately he's succeeding on that front.
Thank you!

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 08/12/2024 21:49

He gave himself the right name!

Original poster
Homebaby · 08/12/2024 22:15

@OhcantthInkofaname if only he had that level of insight, that was me paraphrasing. If I couldn't use his real name I thought I'd pick one that suited haha!

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2024 00:33

Get a ring doorbell and you will have a record of it all.
Also report to the police

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/12/2024 09:24

This is a carry especially as it's continuing so long please report to police you can try to get a non molestation order on him

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