Just need some advice please. My head is a mess.

[PinkExpert]

Hi,

So I found out I was pregnant just over a month ago. Me and my partner are both long distance and we don’t really see each other that much, 2-3 times a month for one day / night a weekend. We have been together for 1.5 years , not sure why but we’ve never really met family, dumb move I know but with the distance we focus on being with each other, there was always talk about meeting family but we just never did it. Some of my family know about my partner but not all of them. The older people in my family are old fashioned and have opinions on different races, not that it should matter but my partner is black. I know my older generation side of the family wouldn’t approve.

Im 31, I still live at home with my Auntie / Uncle . My aunt knows about my partner but my uncle doesn’t, he thinks I go to visit my girl best friend when I see him. (Again easier to tell white lies when he wouldn’t approve) I’m ashamed to say I live at home at this ripe age, my parents have both passed away and I have no biological siblings.

Im terrified to tell any of my family that I am pregnant, because I live at home still, barely see my partner, they’ve never met him etc. He doesn’t have a safe place to live either, but he said he will sort a place to live for us all, he’d work for us (as I wouldn’t get a job being pregnant if I moved there). My partner was really made up when I told him I was pregnant, I was at first then I had doubts if I wanted a child right now for a good few weeks and even visited the abortion clinic , but didn’t get the pills as I was unsure. My partner said he is hurt and upset , and he isn’t gonna hate me but he doesn’t think he will love me if I did get the abortion. My heart breaks because I love my partner so much, I just don’t know if a baby right now is wise? We spoke about meeting family the other week but he backed out because he had issues in his flat and he couldn’t shower so he wanted to make a good first impression. ( nothing came back of that, probably because I said I wanted abortion the day later)

It’s been in my mind that abortion is the best thing in this situation , my partner is devastated that I was considering this and he’s hurt. I feel bad I really do , but I’m living in constant worry about telling my family, seeing my partner 2/3 times a month , living situation, I want to be stable NOW.

I need to decide if I want the medical abortion or not ASAP , preferably this week. I keep having doubts is it the right thing to do? Will I regret it? Would I regret bringing a child up right now? Then I’m like I’ve always wanted a baby , it’s all I’ve dreamt off but this isn’t how I imagined being pregnant.

I just need help please :( xxx

Take your "partner" out of the equation (as frankly he isn't a partner in any sense of the word)

Can you do this alone and do you want to do this alone?

Do not move away from your family and support network and do not have this baby to keep this man.

You are 31 and a grown adult. Stop revolving your life and decisions around what other people think of you.

life is far too short for that nonsense and if we all thought that way we would go to our grave living sheltered boring lives.

firstly you need to become independent living alone. Have you been saving the whole time you’ve been living with your auntie and uncle?

if not you should start immediately and be saving towards being able to move out. You’re living like a child and acting like one by hiding your relationship and personal life.

Do you work? Does your partner work?

I would be astounded if this "partner" isn't a married man.

Yes I work full time and so does my partner. However it would mean I would have to quit my job to be with my partner. He wants me to go there sooner than later , I understand so we can prepare for stuff. It’s never something I considered not being in work, but there’s no way I’d be able to stay there and make things work with my partner and prepare for the baby . My partner said it’s the only way it’ll work ?

Theres nothing wrong with living with family if you all get on.

You would be very foolish to move and become dependant on him. He’s not a partner in any meaningful way. The shower thing was nonsense.

Do you want to be a single mum? I would not have a baby in your circumstances.

I met my partner in the August and our first daughter was born in June the following year. When I found out I was pregnant we were living apart long distance. None of my family knew about him, ditto his family.
But we both wanted the baby and we made it work. He moved in with me initially, found work. Then a few months later we moved closer to our families.
When my parents found out I was pregnant they were horrified. He’s 13 years older than me and I was only 23.
But we muddled through. We’ve been together 27 years now and my parents adore him.
If you really want the baby, you will find a way. BUT it sounds to me like you are not ready in which case termination is the best option. I think you have to be prepared to lose your partner though.
Take care x

He could also move to you and get a job and somewhere for you all to live. The roads do go both ways

He has two teenage daughters so I wouldn’t expect him to move to me

I remember your post the first time around.

At the time I was very careful to say you should consider whether you want a baby as I suspect that ultimately you will end up a single parent.

I'm getting off the fence:

• your partner is a waste of space
• I don't think you want a baby
• it's OK to have a termination.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5220916-abortion-need-some-advice-please?page=1

Oh wow! Did you live alone? Or with family?

im in two minds and its breaking my heart, time is ticking fast and I know the situation is only gonna get worse if I do decide to terminate.

I don’t want to lose him at all but I want us both to live together before I was pregnant, I know things haven’t worked out that way and I can’t change it.

im just so scared I will regret this :(

You'd be utterly foolish to give up your job and security and move to live with this guy. It would leave you very vunerable

Are you saying that your current living situation will change when you tell them you're pregnant and by who? If that's the case, wouldn't you be better off moving out and living on your own? Would you be entitled to maternity leave and pay?

Your partner doesn't sound stable. Giving up your job and depending on him, if only for a while, might not be the best idea.

As difficult as it is, you need to put your big girl pants on and do what's best for you and your child, if you go ahead. Can you see yourself as a single parent?

I wish you the very best.

You would be much better staying close to your own family so you have support with a new baby and to keep your employment. Babies are hard work and those first few months can be especially difficult.

The most stupid thing you could do is move away from your support network and give up your financial independence to rely on a man that you've never lived with and barely know.

Only you can decide what's best for you. It doesn't sound like a viable relationship in which to bring a child - the odd night together here and there is not a real relationship. You don't really know each other well and moving in with him would be a huge risk. If I were you, I'd think very carefully about uprooting your whole life and having a baby with someone who you've never even lived with.

Thankyou for your answers everyone. It’s not easy at all but I understand where each and everyone of you are coming from :(

If neither of you are able to afford to live on your own or have a 'safe place to live' as you put it, you definitely can't afford to fund living on your own AND a baby. This shouldn't even be a conversation. You simply don't have the resources, the stability or the security to bring a child up.

i lived with friends x

Case One: If you think the relationship will last, and you want to make a go of it:
Move to his area to live with him. Give up your job to do this. Claim benefits as a couple if you need to top up his pay.
Get another job as soon as it makes financial sense to do so when factoring childcare costs.
The worst that can happen is that you split up and you end up a single parent with no job for a while, until you get back on your feet.

Case Two: If deep down you don't think the relationship will last long term:
Decide whether you want to keep the baby as a single parent. If so, move out and get your own place ASAP. You may need to claim benefits to top up your pay, and should claim maintenance from his as soon as the baby is born.

Case Three get a termination ASAP.

In either case two or three, the relationship with him is dead.

If you are so afraid of your family you can’t even tell them you are pregnant I would be a bit worried about how you will manage a child.

It sounds a bit as though you let your family dictate to you and run your life.

I think you need to be a bit - a lot - more independent tbh.

The situation is a chaotic mess. You have spent about 6 weeks in each others company if you are lucky. Moving in together would be madness and bringing a baby into this would be absolutely ridiculous.

A person asking you to move in with him, NOT WORK, and have his baby when you aren't sure is fundamentally unreasonable, inconsiderate and, at best, naive. This would leave you so vulnerable. He is asking SO much of you. He's asking you to give up your independence and resources. Red flags.

First question... do you want a baby... this baby?

If yes then stay where you are and have the baby. Get a grip of yourself and tell your aunt and uncle you are pregnant. Speak to them about your living situation and what you're to do about it. Then do that. Ideally get your own place and don't leave work at all. Your relationship may or may not continue on this basis.

If no, then don't have the baby. It's your choice. Then carefully think... how do I want to live? And take action. And then think... do I want to be in a relationship with this man? And take action.

For me, the relationship is hopeless. Forget it.

Just decide whether or not you want the baby, ditch this useless man, and take steps to live independently ASAP.

You'd abort your child because your family is racist?
Surely your baby deserves better.

That is not the reason for my abortion choice.