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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Silent treatment

24 replies

Scorpio634525 · 08/12/2024 12:27

Spouse has been giving me silent treatment for over a week. My mum was in hospital i was stressed. One day after she came home he wanted to get intimate. I fell asleep but when he came into the room i woke up apologised and tried to giv him what he wanted. He refused. Upset that i had fallen asleep. Next day i tried to pacify him by trying to get intimate and again at night. I apologised again and explained that the stress and worry about my mum was catching up with me but to no avail. He has been ignoring me for a week even though iv been trying to engage him.Today we had a family frends birthday party. I was expecting him to say something to break the ice and thought he would speak to me and id get ready and go with him. But he didnt he got ready and has left on his own with a right face on him. Thing is i know either today or tomorrow hes gonna rage at me and threaten divorce. I know im going to get phonecalls from people at the party asking why my daughter and I havent come..what do i say? I feel anxious scared and worried. Wev argued about lack of intimacy before. Im not good at arguing cant defend myself and always accept blame to keep the peace. How do i handle this?

OP posts:
Pomegranatecarnage · 08/12/2024 12:30

Christ, he’s an abusive and vile arsehole. Please don’t put yourself through this!

Daleksatemyshed · 08/12/2024 12:35

Your problem isn't a lack of intimacy Op, your problem is you're married to a sulky, entitled man child. He's sulked for a week because you fell asleep, just think about that, an entire week because you were tired. Even though you offered him sex after that wasn't good enough, he expected you to be excited for sex and falling asleep dented his ego.
Tomorrow when he rages and threatens divorce how about saying yes thanks

ShouldIEvenBother · 08/12/2024 12:38

I'd be tempted to get in there first with the offer of divorce... and actually go through with it.

He's absuing you.

You need to plan how to leave, as this is no way to live 💐

Zimunya · 08/12/2024 12:42

Any reason why you can’t travel to the party on your own? Or do you not want to go? If it was me I would turn up, and when others asked what was going on, I’d straight up say, “I have no idea - he hasn’t spoken to me for a week” and then let him explain his ridiculous behaviour. What does he actually bring to the relationship, OP?

username299 · 08/12/2024 12:44

You are in an abusive relationship and you've intuitively worked out the cycle of abuse.

Please stop pleading, you're giving him all your power. He's enjoying you running after him. Abuse is about maintaining power and control.

Someone who actually loved you wouldn't be demanding intimacy when you're exhausted and worried.They'd be looking after you and taking care of your needs.

What should you do?
Contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some support.
If you're not ready to leave, look into counselling to help build your self esteem.
Do the Freedom Programme to work out what a healthy relationship is.
Understand that he's not going to change and this is your life until you take control.
Drop the rope.

7ft1garysson · 08/12/2024 12:44

Kick this nasty abuser to the kerb. Fucking child he is.

A divorce sounds amazing

ilovepixie · 08/12/2024 12:51

I would leave him. You don't want to bring up your daughter in this abusive atmosphere.

Catbabymammy · 08/12/2024 12:56

Where is your anger? Stop grovelling to him, he’s a nasty little prick.

Point out to him what a divorce would look like for him. Selling the family home, being a McDonald’s dad with everyone knowing he’s an abusive cunt. Does he want his divorce papers to detail his emotional and sexual abuse?

I don’t know who these worthless pricks think they are.

WasThatACorner · 08/12/2024 13:07

Zimunya · 08/12/2024 12:42

Any reason why you can’t travel to the party on your own? Or do you not want to go? If it was me I would turn up, and when others asked what was going on, I’d straight up say, “I have no idea - he hasn’t spoken to me for a week” and then let him explain his ridiculous behaviour. What does he actually bring to the relationship, OP?

OP had stated in her post that she doesn't feel comfortable arguing, she is hardly going to want to start an argument in front of what I assume are his friends if he has gone alone.

On top of the fact that publicly embarrassing or antagonising an abusive man is incredibly dangerous.

And lastly, it almost sounds as though you are blaming OP for not being assertive enough which is cruel and ignores so many of the facts.

Jagoda · 08/12/2024 13:08

LTB

WilfredsPies · 08/12/2024 13:22

You’re being abused. Before you do anything, you need to recognise that you’re in an abusive relationship and that you do have options, even if he has spent years trying to convince you that you haven’t.

While he’s at the party, phone Women’s Aid.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/12/2024 13:24

Seriously, his bags would be packed and on the doorstep. I wouldn’t tolerate such outrageously selfish behaviour.

Bonjovispyjamas · 08/12/2024 13:26

You'd be very unreasonable to stay with this arsehole a minute longer.

Vaxtable · 08/12/2024 13:40

How do you handle it? You don’t start begging him to speak to you, you leave him to sulk

then you look at getting all your papers etc together and leave him, it’s abuse

TokyoSushi · 08/12/2024 13:43

Good grief, absolutely take him up on the threat of divorce, it'll be the best Christmas present you've ever had.

LimeYellow · 08/12/2024 13:44

You should never feel that you need to apologise for not wanting sex. He sounds really awful OP.

Bloom15 · 08/12/2024 14:13

What an arsehole! He is vile and abusive. O don't usually say this but LTB

Zimunya · 08/12/2024 14:29

WasThatACorner · 08/12/2024 13:07

OP had stated in her post that she doesn't feel comfortable arguing, she is hardly going to want to start an argument in front of what I assume are his friends if he has gone alone.

On top of the fact that publicly embarrassing or antagonising an abusive man is incredibly dangerous.

And lastly, it almost sounds as though you are blaming OP for not being assertive enough which is cruel and ignores so many of the facts.

Show quote history

I've re-read OP's post, and can't see where she says she feels uncomfortable going to the party. To me it read as if she wanted to go, but I may well have misunderstood that, and apologies if so. I am absolutely not blaming her - he is in the wrong utterly and completely.

Tagyoureit · 08/12/2024 14:44

God lord!
When he threatens divorce, accept it!
When people ring, tell them the truth, your DH has asked for a divorce because you didn't have sex with him whilst worried about your mum!!

Don't be a bad example to your child, this isn't normal!

WasThatACorner · 08/12/2024 14:48

Zimunya · 08/12/2024 14:29

I've re-read OP's post, and can't see where she says she feels uncomfortable going to the party. To me it read as if she wanted to go, but I may well have misunderstood that, and apologies if so. I am absolutely not blaming her - he is in the wrong utterly and completely.

Show quote history

I didn't say uncomfortable going to the party, I said OP was not comfortable arguing, she says that quite clearly.

My issue wasn't that you said just go to the party yourself, it was the advice to publicly embarrass an abusive man who she and her child would later be alone with.

Knittedfairies2 · 08/12/2024 14:49

At the very least, stop trying to engage him in conversation or anything else. Carry on as normal around him, even if you have to pretend. Speak to him as if he wasn't sulking but don't push for a response. Pretend that his behaviour doesn't matter to you. If he threatens divorce, tell him you've already thought about it.

Zimunya · 08/12/2024 15:06

WasThatACorner · 08/12/2024 14:48

I didn't say uncomfortable going to the party, I said OP was not comfortable arguing, she says that quite clearly.

My issue wasn't that you said just go to the party yourself, it was the advice to publicly embarrass an abusive man who she and her child would later be alone with.

Show quote history

I didn't advise OP to do anything at all.

WasThatACorner · 08/12/2024 15:16

Zimunya · 08/12/2024 15:06

I didn't advise OP to do anything at all.

Show quote history

Sorry, advice is the wrong word. Flippantly stated what they would do in that situation while ignoring the facts and risk fits better.

You would go to the party alone and if anyone asks why say "don't know, he hasn't spoken to me for a week".

Zimunya · 08/12/2024 15:27

It wasn't advice, and I made that very plain. Not flippant at all - just factual - I'd address the behaviour head on, as I'm a straight forward person, and that works for me. That doesn't mean OP should do the same, especially if she judges that would be dangerous. She must make the choices that are right for her.

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