To be sad my brothers have all forgotten DS’ birthday

[OneDayIWillLearn]

I have three brothers, and seven nieces and nephews between them age range 0-15. My DS is 8 today. Not one of my brothers has sent him a present or a card. My son has noticed this and is a bit upset though I’ve told him it isn’t because they don’t care, it’s just because people are busy and there may still be some things in the post (but I don’t know if this is true). We see his cousins quite regularly and he is close to them.

Two of my nephews had birthdays last week and we bought presents, made handmade cards and posted them in time for the day. I’m not perfect on this front but I’ve probably got presents to nieces and nephews on time 95% of the time and handmade cards since my two have been old enough.

of course everyone’s busy and maybe they’re thinking it’s ok to combine Christmas and birthday for him (I have never said this is ok though). If it was just my birthday I wouldn’t really care but I really hate seeing my son upset.

AIBU to mind about this? Should I send a message to them maybe asking if they could get a card in the post seeing as no one has managed to get anything on time? None of them are struggling financially but the thought would mean more than money or a gift.

But I also can’t bear to come across as demanding presents or attention for my child and I’m usually very easy going so it goes against my nature to make a fuss! But if I don’t say anything to them, what do I say to my son instead?

Hey guys! DS is having a nice birthday but is a bit upset he hasn't had any cards from any of you. No guilt tripping - I know I've forgotten in the past and the post has been absolutely shocking around here recently, so if you have sent something and it hasn't come through he would love it if you could either pop round to say hi or send him a quick video message or something so he doesn't feel forgotten I know he would love it. Thanks!

at least that gives them an 'out' so they can pretend they sent a card, so it's not so accusatory.

(if you want to be a bit more passive aggressive you could add "Hope DNephews enjoyed their presents!")

From experience, i think it's a man thing. I also have brothers, and they never remember any of mine or my childrens birthdays. It doesn't make it right by any means. I hope he has a wonderful birthday.

Why send presents to their kids? I'd stop the 2 way trade of presents and just buy for your DS. A gift and card only carries meaning if they wanted to send it. Having to remind them tells you they don't really care.

I have 4 brothers and only 1 of them acknowledges my kids’ birthdays. It’s really sad, but you can’t make people care. It could be a genuine mistake and they’ve forgotten, but it could also be that it’s just not important to them. I’ve stopped having expectations of people, let them do what they want to do and then match their effort.

Brothers can be rubbish for stuff like this but as a sister I think it would be fine to text them a week in advance and say "Little Jimmy turns 5 next Sunday, 15 Dec - can you send him a card? Otherwise he will be asking me why you haven't".

But also I notice you mention the effort you (and your son) made for your brother's child's birthday. I often see people on Mumsnet going over and above for the birthdays of people who probably aren't bothered, and then being disappointed when their efforts aren't reciprocated.

I have brothers, we get on great, but I don't knock myself out making lovely gestures for birthdays etc because I know I'll be getting a birthday text at 9:47pm on the day, probably because my SIL has reminded them for the sixth time. They have many other useful skills though and if I ask them to help with something they would never say no.

My brother's not great remembering birthdays on the day but he always buys presents during the month. My SIL is really good though and she'll send a message on the day and remind DB to.

DH brother and sister both did this to my kids this year, both are summer birthdays and eventually had cards posted through the door from SIL a month late, from BIL they got hastily purchased vouchers bought on the day my H went to see BIL's kids and take their gifts from us to them, 2 months late. 10 yo was especially hurt. I'm now taking a totally hands off approach and treating them as they treat us. Any christmas/birthday gifts which I used to put a lot of thought and effort into as I considered them family will now be DH responsibility, he can choose to bother or not I don't care. A little different for you as it's your actual brothers not in laws but going forward I'd reciprocate their level of effort.

It seems very OTT to send people reminders 10 in the morning.. Even to send reminders at all. They obviously already know since your mum posted photos, so it’s up to them really. Why force things.

I would stop buying for all their dcs.
If it’s mentioned I’d reply with ‘Well seeing as though you don’t buy my ds a card or present, I assumed we had stopped bothering.’

Exactly, the only men I've ever known to send cards unprompted are gay men and that's at Christmas so not an individual date to remember and tie to a specific person.

I wouldn't expect cards or presents from them unless they were invited to a birthday party.

Same. DH is one of 4 brothers. 7 children between them. DD didn’t get anything for Xmas or birthday at age 3, then 4 despite gifts and cards the other way. She noticed at about 5 that she would take gifts when visiting cousins but get nothing back (including from PIL).

When I mentioned it to DH (DD was upset) he said that they had asked, when she was coming up to 3, what she would like and he said “she doesn’t need anything”. Which they took as “don’t bother”. He refused to address it with them, so I stopped reminding him about their birthdays and of course they stopped flowing that way as well.

She’s now a teenager and not really interested in making the effort to visit them (they’re 5 hours away and the roads only go one way) so they reap what they sow.

For an 8 year old, yes agree with you OP.

Seriously? Men can’t use the electronic calendars to remind themselves? Only women can remember dates?

What a load of absolute bollocks.

To be fair we have all stopped sending presents to each other for our own birthdays and that’s totally fine with me (I occasionally send or receive something if it’s something we have specifically seen and thought of the person but zero expectations).

I feel it’s a little different with the children - my mum has two brothers and two sisters and only one of them remembered our birthdays as children and she is still my favourite aunt! So maybe that has coloured my view. And I often get really nice messages or genuine in person thank yous for presents from the children so I do think it’s worth it on the whole.

Message on family WhatsApp "Do you all want to stop acknowledging the children's birthdays? DS loves making cards for his cousins but maybe the rest of you don't feel the same?"

Or less PA, ask your mum to remind your siblings, a week in advance. I'm guessing your brothers leave this kind of 'women's work' to their partners?

So add it to another woman’s to do list instead?

Sorry I think you are unreasonable. It's 12.30 noon on the day of your sons birthday, how do you know they don't plan to call later? or the gift is already in the post?

You say your self you are not "perfect" on getting their children gifts on time and only manage it "95%" of the time.

I'd find this hurtful.
It takes 5 mins to send a message or give a quick call. No one is too busy.
If they had sent something via post I would have expected it to arrive ready for this morning.

Simply ask someone else, who may care, to get involved. I'm not suggesting the brothers aren't behaving like shits and agree, they should step up.

I agree men can be useless at bdays (eg for my own recent bday I got a present in mail from my sister and radio silence from both brothers). I also had 8 aunts/uncles and only one aunt would do regular bday presents so, for me at least, it's not a given they give presents every year -- but I do fondly remember the one aunt who did.

In your situation I'd check if they want to keep doing niece/nephew presents but I wouldn't expect your brothers to actually keep it up (and it's mentally draining to manage other people). I would want to continue to be remembered as the thoughtful aunt so I'd give small presents to nieces/nephews but not include your DS in their presents so he doesn't notice the discrepancy so much.