To be concerned about his insecurities?

[Funwith]

I just started dating a guy I really like. I haven’t dated for years.

He’s so awesome and we get on so great. We joke around a lot.

However, within all of our joking around, he’s said a few things that I suspect are stemming from insecurities.

Like he jokes a LOT about how I should find someone more suitable. Every time I go out he jokes about whether I’ve met a better option yet.

He also sometimes ask questions that seem like he’d fishing for compliments, or maybe insecure about his looks “why do you keep saying I’m good looking?” “It’s so weird that you think I’m good looking”.

The strangest one, and the thing that prompted me to write this post, is that he makes a LOT of comments about how he’s not clingy and hates clingy women, but seems to want to spend time an inordinate amount of time together (which I have no complaints about, incidentally. I love spending time with him).

The thing is, he should be brimming with confidence. He’s an absolute catch. First time in years that I’ve met a man I’ve felt lucky to be dating.

None of this too that dramatic or impacting our day to day “almost-relationship” but I’m still getting to know him and I am worried these things are a sign of something deeper.

He is a perfectly lovely, normal man and possibly I’m just looking for problems, but it worries me a bit.

If you're not keen then just leave it already. No point eeking it out.

The very opposite. I’m very very keen. I’d have run a mile from this kind of thing if it were a man I didn’t like.

You're concerned about him being insecure. That's enough to end it this early on.

Please don't take on a "fixer-upper". It never ends well. You're not his mum or his therapist.

I’m not concerned about the insecurities themselves. I’m more worried they might be a sign of something deeper that could rear its head in future and manifest in ways that do impact me.

This is my concern, really.

That said, I’m making an assumption that they’re insecurities. He might just be making conversation or over milking our shared jokes.

I know no one on MN really had the answer of course. I’m just wondering if anyone recognises this kind of behaviour and if so, what it might mean for a relationship.

I am going to go against the grain here… I used to say these types of things to my now husband, I guess I was insecure and felt like he could do better and he could easily get a better woman than me.

As long as he is not a cocklodger, pays his way…., helps with chores and around the house, I don’t see these insecurities as concerning I would rather these than a lazy good for nothing.

He may just be pinching himself that he found someone he likes so much in a dating world that is hard.

How much do you know about him? Are there any obvious reasons why he would have these insecurities? My now DH was a bit like this, but he grew up in the care system so it was clear to me why. He has addressed it in therapy now but before that he was prone to self sabotage and destructive behaviours which yes, very much did impact me and our relationship. Everyone who was supposed to love him had left him and sub consciously, he couldn’t believe that I would stay.

it seems on mum’s net that any possible flaw is to run away, I’m surprised anyone has a relationship. He is a bit insecure, I imagine that at some point you’ll have conversations to understand why and likely work on it. Likely something to do with a past relationship etc. there are many women who are likely insecure and say these things and I doubt the response would be the same. The best way to know is to have a conversation, tell him how you feel, see how he responds !

I have been with my partner over 10 years and he has insecurities because of being cheated on and horrible things said to him, we talked about it and sometimes they come up and we talk about it again. Like no one is perfect and it affects 2% of our relationship

You say you are " very,very keen". And that he is " an absolute catch". Do you think he is picking up on your enthusiasm and finding it a bit much and is trying to take things down a notch?

Agree - I mean he’s not a house that’s gone into disrepair

This would annoy me as well OP

Wow! Don’t we all have some sort of trait that needs to “fixed” - in our own eyes and in others?!

Ask him why he says those things about himself. Or reassure him and tell him
why you find him to be a good catch.

I love to have a good laugh with someone but I wonder whether you're doing too much joking around. Sometimes quite hurtful things can be said then because people are still trying to gauge what is a joke to the other person.

I'd watch and wait with this one. I'm sure reasons for any insecurities will emerge soon if you have good long chats about this past

To the poster whose husband was in care - that is absolute heartbreaking and I'm so glad he's got a good relationship now

My DH is quite insecure. I don’t mind at all or find it burdensome to reassure him. There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s just a sensitive type who had a less than ideal upbringing. But he’s generous and kind and supportive, and I’m lucky to have him. He cherishes and appreciates me. However the ‘did you meet anyone else yet’ questions would need to be firmly nipped in the bud! That’s going too far.

I was about to say the same as the pp. Cut down on the jokes and start talking. The jokes could be masking a lot.

I don't think having insecurities makes anyone a "fixer-upper", it makes them human.

I think for a lot of people, a relationship is the only place they can express their vulnerabilities, and that's incredibly important. Probably more so for men because female social bonding over looks-based insecurities is the default. I don't think men get to be vulnerable with other men over thinking they're not good-looking. (Add the fact that the conventional masculine ideal is narrow and rigid, but men have no real space to unlearn being tied to it as we do regarding the feminine ideal.)

Insecurities become yellow/red flags when they manifest in unreasonable behaviour: jealousy, territorialism, control over a partner's friendships, neediness. And constantly seeking reassurance would get annoying very quickly. I suggest OP cuts to the chase and actually talks to her partner about this pattern she's noticed. Let him get them off his chest properly rather than these constant little fishes for reassurance (and then nip those in the bud).

These sorts of comments are definitely off-putting and it does seem indicative of low self esteem. Do you think you could bring it up to him in a nice way? E.g the next time he says something of that nature you could comment ‘I’ve noticed that you say this kind of thing quite a lot’ and see what he says. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag though, if everything is going well. Maybe he just can’t believe his luck! Hopefully he calms down soon!

I’m worried that this apparent low self esteem will be flipped around and used as a means to control you through guilt. Like ‘you can’t go to the pub by yourself, you know it makes me worried you’ll find a better guy’ or ‘there’s a good looking guy at your work and he’s a better match for you than me so I don’t want you doing overtime and I’ll start picking you up from the office…’ etc

Is it a crime to be insecure now? Have you reassured him? If you have and he keeps it up then maybe rethink.

Have you had sex with him yet?

Can you talk to him about it? What’s his dating history - maybe he’s had a dry run recently and so is lacking confidence. Maybe next time he brings it up, challenge him, and even say that that joke is getting stale now, so move on.

Regarding spending lots of time together, don’t let him move into your house stealthily.

Depending on how much I liked the person and what else was going on, being totally honest, I probably wouldn’t continue with it personally.

My sister was in a similar situation and the jokey “have you met someone better yet” quickly became arguments and accusations because “I know you wanted that man who walked past you in the veg aisle at Asda, don’t look at other people” and “you obviously fancied the bloke in the post office because you asked him for a stamp, don’t speak to men”. The “I’m not clingy, but I want to see you everyday” mixed with the insecurity about appearance and other men quickly becomes “send me a video of where you’re sitting so I can see who is on the tables around you”, deliberately picking fights when you have plans so you are forced to stay in while being able to keep you in your place when HE wants a night out as he can remind you he hates clingy girls etc.

Thankfully that arsehole is now my sister’s ex, but I couldn’t be arsed with that!

The behaviour is unattractive, whatever its cause! Particularly badmouthing ‘clingy’ women. I like plastictree’s suggestion.

It’s presumptuous to suggest that he ‘should’ think / say / feel about himself based on his looks, job, initial behaviour in your relationship or whatever. You don’t know him well.

Is he dropping hints that you two are not compatible or anything?

Be wary OP. Had a similar experience, in the end turned out the guy was basically love bombing, his "insecurity" was his way of pretending to be vulnerable and I assume get me to want to reassure him/feel closer. Want to take care of him. Also very handsome but constantly asking me about other guys at the gym he "thought were hotter than he was" (we met at the gym). Whether I'd met anyone more compatible, getting me to say no. Extremely manipulative.

He dropped me extremely suddenly when he realised I wasn't going to move in and pay his rent/ask him to move in with me, and got back with his ex who he had 0 respect for but would at least pay his rent for him. And when I say suddenly, I mean suddenly. One evening he was telling me he had never felt this way before, was addicted to me, wish he met me years before (whilst also complaining that he couldnt pay his rent since ex has moved out, trying to get me to go over there, me saying no kinda thinking he was joking)... literally the next day, told me it wouldnt work and dropped me. Day after, saw him in town holding hands with the ex.

I'd be less worried about insecurity and more worried about being manipulated. I was totally drawn in by him to at the time, falling very quick... but not quick enough for him due to me not wanting to move in together after a few mere months. I was getting sucked in, but not quick enough for him.

Does it ever feel like he's putting you down for saying he's attractive? Or trying to mock it? Whilst also seeming to need the reassurance?

Is he just very confusing?

Seems very keen on you and yet somehow makes you feel shocked that he is?

How "lucky" you feel to be with him is a bit of a red flag for me too.

Just be careful and wary.