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Original poster

Child's father looking contact

25 replies

calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 16:41

Long story short sorry for the long post here. About a month ago now I had received a message from a girl to say my 4 year old daughters father was seeing this girl and it didn't work out long story short he had attacked her with a hammer and smashed her car windows. It was reported to police and according to the girl and her mother my daughters father is on bail , appeared in court last week , but is still on bail as there waiting on forensics apparently coming back. He is currently bailed with a curfew according to the girls mother. Anyway he has not had contact with my daughter since June due to inconsistency and not really making an effort etc other stuff aswell not bad stuff just other stuff. Him and his family has not looked for contact since June. A couple of weeks ago after I had found out about the alleged attack on the girl he had messaged me looking contact again and had said he is still taking it through the court to see his daughter but the court was taking very long and he wanted contact now as he didn't want to miss Christmas with her bearing in mind he hasn't seen her since June and had missed her birthday there a couple months ago. I have still yet to receive anything from the court to say he's looking contact. ( I live in northern Ireland ) . For the last 2 weeks he has been repeatedly asking me about her looking to see her . Tomrrow there is a local tractor run in the area . My daughter absolutely loves tractors and he drives a tractor. He messaged me saying he was looking to take her to the tractor run on the tractor with him and he would have her back for 8 o clock. According to the girl and her mother who was attacked his current bail conditions curfew means he has to be in for half 7. I don't understand how he wants to take my daughter to a tractor run and leave her back at 8 when his bail conditions are supposed to be he has to be in for half past 7. He has also stated he wants to take her back to his house but the girl and her mother told me he wasn't allowed back to his home house and he had to have a bail address away from his home house. He appeared in court last on the 26th November. The girl and her mother told me he was up on 4 charges but were unable to tell me what they were just said his bail curfew was 7:30 as it was stated at the last court date and was apparently waiting on forensics coming back. I'm totally confused and lost at the whole situation at how he wants to take my child to a tractor run leave her back at 8 when his bail is half 7 according to girl and her mother . I haven't answered him and haven't questioned him on the situation as it's not my business and he hasn't told me about the situation either. My daughter hasn't really spoke about her dad much just maybe twice since June. He was quite happy to take it to the family court as I said I've heard no word and all of a sudden he wants contact again after it has come forward about the alleged attack. What to do in a situation like this do I confront him about what happened let him see her or whatConfused he has never been violent towards my daughter in any time. Or do I contact the local police and say he was willing to break his bail and ask about what's going on or do I confront him . I feel like I'm not getting a true story from the girl and her mother and now he's looking contact my head is a mess with it all.

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 07/12/2024 16:45

I’m not sure if it’s the same in NI but pretty sure you can put in a Claire law application then the police will contact you if any issues and you could discuss it then

Original poster
calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 16:49

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 07/12/2024 16:45

I’m not sure if it’s the same in NI but pretty sure you can put in a Claire law application then the police will contact you if any issues and you could discuss it then

I don't actually think we have that here :(

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 07/12/2024 17:23

Everything you've been told by the girl and her family would be seen as hearsay.

You need to make an enquiry with the police telling them of any concerns and as he's your DD's father they may tell you about his bail conditions and any other information they feel is relevant for you to know.

Original poster
calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 17:37

Trumptonagain · 07/12/2024 17:23

Everything you've been told by the girl and her family would be seen as hearsay.

You need to make an enquiry with the police telling them of any concerns and as he's your DD's father they may tell you about his bail conditions and any other information they feel is relevant for you to know.

I was going to but I don't think they'd disclose with me the police here are very reluctant to tell anything these days

OP posts:
Littlebuzz · 07/12/2024 17:41

He hasn't seen her for 6 months. Would she be happy to just go with him for a day?
Perhaps you can cite the inconsistency and lack of a meaningful relationship, and ad-hoc arrangements don't work. Then speak to police/social re concerns?

Dramatic · 07/12/2024 17:44

I'd just let him go through the court, at least then you'll know for sure if he actually did attack this woman, I wouldn't risk letting your daughter go with him to be honest

urbanbuddha · 07/12/2024 17:47

calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 16:49

I don't actually think we have that here :(

Show quote history

There’s this

www.psni.police.uk/safety-and-support/keeping-safe/domestic-abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse-disclosure-scheme-dvads

Biscuitjockey · 07/12/2024 17:50

Id like to know what those people have to gain by telling you all this stuff. Also if you feel they’re not telling you the whole story they probably aren’t. They sound like trouble makers. Contacting the police about him for something he’s not yet done could cause you trouble. The police wouldn’t be interested in something someone might do . After all that time him not seeing her you can’t just go full steam ahead. Ask your daughter how she feels. But the question is if you’d not spoken to those two people would you have concerns ?

Original poster
calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 17:51

Littlebuzz · 07/12/2024 17:41

He hasn't seen her for 6 months. Would she be happy to just go with him for a day?
Perhaps you can cite the inconsistency and lack of a meaningful relationship, and ad-hoc arrangements don't work. Then speak to police/social re concerns?

She probably would as she's known him and has had contact with him and has been on the tractor with him a lot before but I'm not entirely sure how I would feel to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 17:54

Biscuitjockey · 07/12/2024 17:50

Id like to know what those people have to gain by telling you all this stuff. Also if you feel they’re not telling you the whole story they probably aren’t. They sound like trouble makers. Contacting the police about him for something he’s not yet done could cause you trouble. The police wouldn’t be interested in something someone might do . After all that time him not seeing her you can’t just go full steam ahead. Ask your daughter how she feels. But the question is if you’d not spoken to those two people would you have concerns ?

I was thinking that as I said the police are very reluctant to tell you anything as it is they can be quite funny... and no I didnt have concerns about her safety at all before I known about the alleged attack . He was just inconsistent etc as I said

OP posts:
HPandthelastwish · 07/12/2024 17:57

I would just say:

"Hi X, that sounds great but unfortunately we already have plans, it sounds great for next year. I think it's best we wait until the court date to set out consistent dates for you to see DD as that is in her best interests."

I wouldn't randomly let him have her for a random day 6 months after last seeing her regardless of the rest of it.

He may not have been violent before, but I can't see what the girl and her mother get out of telling you if she's already left him. This might be a decline of his MH or possibly drugs or alcohol, violent changes of behaviour don't happen for no reason.

Biscuitjockey · 07/12/2024 17:57

You know what’s best for her . And honestly if she doesn’t ask about her is it worth the upset later down the line. I wonder if the trouble he maybe in has something to do with him getting in touch . Trying to make himself look like a doting father infront of the courts.

Theoldqueen · 07/12/2024 17:59

Id like to know what those people have to gain by telling you all this stuff. Also if you feel they’re not telling you the whole story they probably aren’t. They sound like trouble makers.

Well, presumably they feel obliged to make an attempt to keep a 4 year old away from a man who attacked someone with a hammer 🤨

Original poster
calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 18:04

There is a link that was posted in this thread about making an application to the police about a partners history of domestic violence. Even though he's no longer my partner I would think maybe the police have a right to tell me as he's looking contact of a 4 year old. At the same time I said there reluctant to tell anything and be quite funny but maybe it's worth a shot.. I definitely don't think I'd feel comfortable at all letting her go with him when this alleged attack has come forward. And like I said I stopped contact for the main reason being of his inconsistency towards her. He is deluded at the same time to just think he can rock back into her life after not contacting ahout her since June. I think maybe it's worth trying that link with the psni and letting him take it to court ?

OP posts:
Biscuitjockey · 07/12/2024 18:11

I think when a baby is concerned you need to know the basics. He clearly can’t control himself and his temper if the rumours are true. He’s been away six months so it’s not like you can be blamed for stopping her going.

leia24 · 07/12/2024 18:12

I mean.. a man who hits women with hammers wouldn't be just taking my child out after not seeing her for 6 months. He might not have been violent to your child but he could be violent in front of her.

Fleetbug · 07/12/2024 18:13

I wouldn’t feel at all comfortable with this without a proper risk assessment being done.
Wherever you are in UK isn’t this a safeguarding issue? Raise it with your nursery/GP/registered childminder as a concern about your child’s safety before you let her go with him. They will take it further on your behalf to police/social services and they then share the responsibility for the decision. You can just tell your ex you are getting professional advice on what is best for your child.

Original poster
calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 18:14

leia24 · 07/12/2024 18:12

I mean.. a man who hits women with hammers wouldn't be just taking my child out after not seeing her for 6 months. He might not have been violent to your child but he could be violent in front of her.

So far it is just their word on hitting with the hammer . It's never happened in her time but like I said it's best if I tried using the link in this thread and contacting the police with concerns

OP posts:
zazazoop · 07/12/2024 18:20

Op in the kindest way you're not going to find out what the police will or won't tell you without asking them - so do it. You would have a strong case as he's seeking to look after a child on his own so if he's a threat (as attacking someone with a hammer is!) they will likely tell you. Just call them or go in and ask. There's no way I would let them see a child with this going on. Good luck op x

Original poster
calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 18:28

zazazoop · 07/12/2024 18:20

Op in the kindest way you're not going to find out what the police will or won't tell you without asking them - so do it. You would have a strong case as he's seeking to look after a child on his own so if he's a threat (as attacking someone with a hammer is!) they will likely tell you. Just call them or go in and ask. There's no way I would let them see a child with this going on. Good luck op x

Yes I filled out the Domestic Violence and Abuse Disclosure Scheme
So I'm hoping there able to tell me something !

OP posts:
leia24 · 07/12/2024 18:30

calmbeforethestorm19 · 07/12/2024 18:14

So far it is just their word on hitting with the hammer . It's never happened in her time but like I said it's best if I tried using the link in this thread and contacting the police with concerns

Show quote history

Their word would be enough for me to say no contact until Police tell you either way. Ring children's services if Police won't tell you. Explain you've been told he's awaiting trial for domestic abuse and that you need information to help you make decisions to safeguard your child.

YourWildAmberSloth · 07/12/2024 18:35

He hasn't seen her for 6 months and is pursuing contact through the courts. I would do nothing and let the legal process continue. If that means he has to wait to see her, so be it. You don't need to jump just because he has clicked his fingers. I suspect he's suddenly keen to see her as he probably thinks it will help with the assault case - can't send a doting dad to prison.

Maiyakat · 07/12/2024 18:35

If he's facing trial then he may be wanting to re-establish contact with his daughter in the hope he will get a more lenient sentence

LemonyChicken · 07/12/2024 18:37

Get a solicitor and tell him to contact them

namechangedtemporarily123 · 07/12/2024 20:05

It's Xmas. All the shit Dad's crawl out from under their rocks for Xmas. He may just drop her again after he's done the presents and photo opportunities.

OP, there's no way I would allow unsupervised contact in these circumstances.

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