To want husband to just step up a bit

[Babynamedrama]

My husband is not a bad guy, he will help in the house when I ask but like a lot of men he needs directly asked. I work full time, I’m in my second trimester, I have a very full on job with a big deadline before Christmas, we have a 1.5 year old and admittedly we have a cleaner but with the 1.5 year old I’d need her here everyday!!!

i havent been feeling well the past few days on top of the exhaustion of being pregnant (on iron tablets but I think they may need upped)

this morning our 1.5 year old (who I get up with every morning) woke around 8.30 and I was exhausted and said to him oh is daddy awake? He was and ignored me. I sat up and said right let’s go downstairs and he said a half assed ‘do you want me to get up?’ I said it’s fine and went on downstairs.

he came down an hour or two later and asked if I wanted to go for brunch. I said ok but can you take the baby whilst I get showered, ready etc and I ended up just making brunch instead.

he asked why I was a grump and I said I would’ve appreciated if he got up this morning with the baby he knows I’m wrecked and stressed and pregnant etc and he replied with ‘I done the kitchen for you last night’. I lost it. I said you f*#king live here too, you didn’t do the kitchen ‘for me!!!’

anyway then we lay on the sofa a while later and put on a Christmas movie, he said go upto bed if I’m tired I said no because I can’t settle in bed. It’s as well I didn’t, I nodded off on the sofa only to be woken 20 mins later by our 1.5 year old pulling the baubles of the Christmas tree and my husband snoring on the other sofa! So of course I had to get up.

on top of all this, due to hormone levels, his sex drive dipped for about a year and now he would have sex 3 times a day. Its frustrating for me because I’ve always had a high sex drive and have felt a bit shit that his has dipped and now I don’t even want to have sex with him because I feel like I’m carrying all the house, mental and child load! Sorry just needed a rant.

Yes he's being a bit crap and should definitely do more (although, why do the passive aggressive "it's fine" about him getting up when it's not fine, you both know it's not fine - why not just say "yes, I do, I'm tired and pregnant and I need to rest"? )

Why do you get up every morning when you both work full time? Who gets up in the night? You say he's a good guy, but he is evidently prioritising himself at the expense of his pregnant wife, which doesn't sound that good to me. If you were to try to sit down with him and try to work out a fairer division of parenting, housework etc, would he cooperate or just whine about you nagging him?

Doing the kitchen for you comment is shit

out your foot down - nudge your dh to get up

lie in tomorrow and make it clear to him tonight he’s not to get you up

Because he knows I’m wrecked and hormonal, he couldn’t said you lie there and I’ll get up.

I don’t know why I get up every morning but I do. Neither of us get up during the night, our toddler sleeps all night thank goodness.

he says all the time he’ll do more just tell me what needs done but I hate the fact it’s like I do all the mental planning of the house and allocate some to him. He’s a grown man ffs take some initiative!

You’re being a bit of a martyr and making him more crap. He offered to get up - you said not to bother. He offered to take you to brunch - you made it at home. He said to go for a nap - you decided not to.

When he offered brunch I said he would have to take the baby and he asked if I could make something. He knows I can’t sleep in bed during the day.

I think then you have to reassess your idea that he's a good man, he sounds like a selfish sod. I agree you shouldn't have to tell him to do all these things, but unfortunately men like that are not going to suddenly see it for themselves, you're going to have to be very clear and direct about what you need, and not let him off the hook if he doesn't immediately step up. It's crap, but it's the only way, otherwise you just continue to do everything and the resentment will destroy your relationship.

Agree re martyrdom.

You have to stop enabling him to behave like this. If he offers to get up - say yes! If he asks you out for brunch don't end up making it, say he asked you out for brunch and part of that means he needs to look after the baby and yes you do want to go for brunch, and make sure it happens. He's being lazy but you're also being a bit of a martyr.

You can either carry on like you have been or do something to make a change. Stop being passive aggressive, say to him that you are lying in on ‘x’ days. Say you don’t want to cook, you want to go out. Yes it’s crap he’s not taking the initiative, but if you carry on doing what you always do, you are going to end up resentful. I would address it now before the second child gets here. Ultimately you have to decide if it’s worth it, it wouldn’t be for me, but maybe he will change into a decent partner.

Sorry you need to stop been a martyr, he offered to get up and you declined and were unhappy about it.
Id tell him he’s looking after dc tomorrow and I suggest that you get a book/magazine and go to a local coffee shop.

The problem is there is your first sentence.

'help in the house' implies it's your job and any contribution by him is helping you, like a child would. Clearly you realise this by what you said to him, but he doesn't see the domestic load, or childcare as his responsibility.

If he's always been this way he's not likely to change.

You have to decide if this is the life you want. Maybe he brings plenty of money home and is generous which makes up for it? If on balance, it's worth it and he's happy to be the breadwinner while you take the domestic role it will get easier as the children grow, but if they are boys they may end up just like him. If you also work and carry the financial load then he's really taking the piss and you will just get more and more resentful.

I'd sit down and clearly explain your expectations of him.

Also, when our kids were very small we each would take a lay in on a weekend. So we'd literally say you take Saturday, I'll have Sunday etc. I can't sleep in so I used to take half a sleeping tablet and literally wake around 9:30am. Perhaps this set up would work (sleeping tablet optional 😂) for you and your husband.

You need to draw the line in the sand now @Babynamedrama .

He should be doing 50%.
Its not " helping" , its being a parent and adult.
Its time for him to grow the fuck up.
I would have a come to Jesus talk.

He sounds lazy as hell but you are tolerating it.

Stop being a martyr and stop having children with a man child who tells you he cleaned the kitchen for you🙄.

We teach people how to treat us.
Stop being so passive a seething.
Tell him to get up in the morning from now on.
YOU have done more than your share, now it is his turn to get up going forward.

As for sex tell him you are not interested and thats it.

You had better open your mouth and spell out how you feel before you get an ulcer.

We had a chat. He apologised and said he was just so exhausted and doesn’t know why, he’s started back at the gym there recently so could be that. Can confirm I got a lovely lie in this morning and a long shower and then we both tidied the house. To be fair it was out of character for him and we’ve had a heavy few weeks so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt this time and we’ve agreed going forward we take it in turns with the baby in the morning because when the second baby comes we’ll both be up!

Thats a good start, you talked and he listened.
Keep communicating regarding what he needs to be doing .