Feel bad after therapy

[TryingToHealButFailing]

I’ve been seeing a therapist for 5 weeks now. I realised the last three sessions I’ve been feeling much worse after and during the time in between.

After noticing some red flags early on, I’ve decided to look at her reactions and what she is actually saying to me. This consists of ‘and how does that make you feel?’ ; ‘you have to do what is right for you’; and ‘where are they located did you say?’

I’ve also told her quite serious stuff where her expression remains blank and she stays silent and just stares at me. This makes me feel gas-lit. I feel like maybe she lacks experience in that area of trauma? I’m not sure what I was expecting but she is definitely devoid of empathy. My case is complicated but she seems to be forgetting key details each time, but honing in on insignificant details like people’s age and location and profession, maybe to sound like she is listening.

I also feel judged as she has compared it to her own family situation, where she is in the opposite position to me. also she has suggested/asked me if I might be too ‘sensitive’ to other people’s comments and behaviour. She hasn’t given me one tool to try feel better. I feel really crap today. AIBU?

I think you need to see someone different. If this person makes you feel uncomfortable, no matter the reason, you're not going to get the proper benefit.

Therapy can make you feel worse before you feel better. However, it doesn't sound like this is the therapist for you. And her self disclosure seems clumsy.

I agree about seeing someone else. But it doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong more that her approach/this type.of therapy is not compatible with your needs right now.

What type of therapy is it? Not all are designed to give you 'tools'. Some therapies are about giving the client space to talk to gain insight and reach their own understanding and develop their own tools. Esp after only.5 weeks. When, if its complex, you are probably still giving details at this point.

It’s hard to know from your post whether you’re simply a poor match with your therapist or her modality, or whether she’s not much good (though forgetting key details and comparing her own life suggest the latter) , but I think that (as with a whole string of posters on here over the past week or so), you’re misunderstanding the role of therapy. It’s not her job to look concerned or appalled when you talk about your past. That’s not what she’s there for. I see a very good somatic therapist about the ongoing effects of CSA, and she doesn’t express sorrow or shock about it.

But yes, I’d find someone else.

She doesn’t sound great - I’d change.

I have an extensive trauma history and I could not work with a therapist who failed to express sorrow when appropriate.

We all have different needs from therapy. OP it sounds like this therapist isn’t right for you and I hope you can try someone else.

Therapists are human and flawed like everyone else.

There are good, bad and in between ones.

She doesn't sound particularly good.

If you didn't like the way a hairdresser was cutting your hair, you wouldn't go back to them so .....

Empathy has to be at the centre of every therapeutic session. I’d change to a new therapist. You’d be surprised how many counsellors out there don’t do empathy.

Although, the questions you mentioned in your 2nd paragraph makes me think she’s a trainee. Do you know if she’s qualified? She could be feeling out of her depth and those questions could be, as you say, to appear as she’s listening. Or could be to fill space and she’s feeling stuck.

I wonder if you're expecting more of a friend-like reaction from your therapist..? I remember feeling that it was really jarring to disclose something awful and not to have an emotional reaction- she'd say something like "and how was that for you?" or "how does talking about it make you feel now?" I found it really hard and I'd cry a lot after each session (and I'd need a nap! It was so exhausting.) FWIW, I'm glad I did carry on with her, because I was getting caught up in people's emotive reactions and focusing over and over again on how awful it was, instead of finding my way through the trauma. The therapist's poker face made me have to tell more than just the bare facts iykwim- It really helped me.

Some modes of therapy are more blank slate than others, which may not suit you. Many therapies aren’t about giving you tools particularly either. In saying that if you’re telling her you’re distressed between sessions I’d expect her to change the pace a bit so that you’re able to manage your distress between seeing her. Have you asked her what her modality is, her experience in working with trauma and how she understands trauma?

Sounds like she practices person centred therapy - which is what I am training in. This therapy isn't about giving advice but is about asking you questions and helping you to explore your thinking and feelings and coming to your own personal resolutions. It can be very powerful and helps you to understand why you think, feel and act the way you do. Therapy can make you feel worse before getting better as it's about exploring your past and the emotions and beliefs you have that are in conflict.
To get the best out of any therapy you need to completely trust your therapist and have a solid therapeutic relationship so if this isn't happening for you it might be best to try another therapist- the therapist will understand.

It depends what you are in therapy for, and what you're looking for. But it could be a poor fit or you could need something more specific ie a trauma-informed therapist.

Therapy has also moved on from the 'trauma dumping' model of 'immediately confess everything traumatic that has happened to you' - because that can overwhelm the person and do more harm than good - to just processing your feelings, reactions and responses, and let things naturally come out bit by bit so you're not overwhelmed and left with all your triggers activated.

Again it really depends what you are looking for specifically but I have done a lot of research on trauma therapy. I have been in therapy for years and went through quite a few therapists (from ones whom it felt like were just doing therapy as a part-time job in their spare room around school hours, to ones who had fancy offices and diplomas on the wall but were just as shit and clueless) until I found an amazing one who really helps.

Short answer - change your counsellor. It's not working for you, and you shouldn't feel the need to analyse her responses. If you are paying, then there is always choice. Don't feel bad about finding someone who works for you. A good counsellor will accept that it's not working for you and will allow you to move on.

Long answer:

There are many approaches to counselling. She does appear to be using a person-centred approach. Personal opinion: whilst this might be effective in experienced hands, the non-directiveness can lead new counsellors to feel they are more skilled than they really are, and lead clients to feel frustrated and a bit lost.

You may benefit from a counsellor with a more challenging, activist approach. Whilst person-centred counselling can be challenging in the right hands, you may benefit from a more direct, structured approach. Also, look for someone with a wide, deep range of practice, your experiences are too important to be someone's training exercise.

I would find a different therapist and see how it goes. I went to a therapist once and it didn't work for me, I don't think it's for everyone, but it's probably worth trying someone else to see if it's a personality thing or if you need a different solution. Wishing you well.

Look into another therapist. She doesn’t sound right for you. Be clear with the people
you meet with before signing on with them about what you are looking for. Choose a registered psychologist not a counsellor. Look for someone that has tools they can use, like EMDR etc. Tell them you want two-way communication.

Therapy is horrible imo but a couple gave great resources and tools, I'd say after 5 weeks you should have some that are enlightening. No therapist I've had has ever talked about themselves. That's a red flag. All of them have shown empathy through what they've said.

I'm no expert but I think therapy is like any other relationship. You will get on with some people and other people rub you up the wrong way.

Sounds like you just don't click with this therapist. I would look for a new one and make sure you have a pre-chat with all of the new therapist you consider on the telephone. I'd be honest and explain the experience you have had and why you are looking for someone else. See if they will do a first session discounted/half price or something. Whether they say yes or no, how they react to you will tell you whether they are for you.

It's hard to say whether most of what she's asking is appropriate to focus on (whether ages and professions are pertinent to what you're discussing for instance, or locations), but if you feel it's not working for you then try someone else. It sounds to me like she's disclosing too much about herself. There are reasons why a therapy patient may not wish to hear about for instance, someone's family life (been there) or busy workload during their appointment.

I wouldn't think the worst of her, but maybe do some more reading into the kind of therapies available and what you think will be the best fit.

A therapeutic relationship doesn't look like a personal relationship in terms of responses to the conversation but I don't think you should be left totally hanging upon disclosing trauma. I know a bit about this via medicine but am not an expert on therapeutic methods. Sometimes two people in any setting just aren't a great fit. I had a very, very skilled and experienced person centred therapist for trauma. She kept quite a straight face and disclosed nothing about herself but acknowledged in what I would describe as a neutral but human way when revealing trauma

If you are not feeling it with a therapist then I think you probably would be better to change. I had similar but went on to an excellent therapist next who changed everything for my recovery. It was so worth making the change.

She shouldn't be talking about her own family – self-disclosure of this kind is unethical in most modalities.

Change therapists, but remember that your relationship with a therapist is unlike any other relationship. They're not trained to react to what you're saying in a friend-like manner. Therapy often feels bad at first, even when you're doing good work.