To feel sad looking at those boys

[iCantStopppEating]

I can’t stop feeling really upset and I know I need to get some perspective. My mental health is not very good right now as I’ve got anxiety but I still think I would feel the same regardless. So yesterday at pick up the kids were coming out of class and I’m not exaggerating but everyone of them had at least another child next to them and they were laughing and what got me was 2 little boys were walking out holding hands whilst their mums chatted. I know these mums very well and I tried to get involved in their conversation but it was difficult. I just feel so sad my son is always alone. He has one friend d to play with and he doesn’t like him! He tells me he bosses him and tells him what to do such as he has to get same food at lunch even though my son may not like that food. That boy also stops him being friends with the other kids.

ive spoken to school last year and this year about the sane boy but they seem to be making right noises such as getting my son to choose a friend to okay with etc but it ends up the same

sirry for typos! My phone screen is actually only half working.

I’m sorry OP but your message really doesn’t make a lot of sense, are you sad because your boy has no friends? How old is he?

Thank you yes I’m sad that he seems to be alone at pickups. He doesn’t run along with the other boys. He’s year one.

I had a similar moment, OP. DS1 went through trousers and shoes at a ridiculous rate. When I asked, ‘What on earth are you doing at playtime?!’, he described kneeling at the edge of the playground playing with the little stones.

Try not to focus on it, as he’ll be influenced by how you feel.
Concentrate instead on out of school friendships and self reliance. Friendships change a lot, and his confidence is the biggest factor in how he does. If he knows he has friends, that he’s also happy to do things alone, he won’t focus on friendship groups at school. Those are important life skills.

If you know the mums very well, invite them round at the weekend or suggest a meet up at the park/pub/café. Getting to know the others outside school should help boost friendships inside school

If the issues with this other boy continues request very firmly that they not be in the same class next year and keep speaking to the school about it. Also chat to your son and let him know he can tell this boy he doesn’t want to play with him. Year 1 is little and all about figuring school life out. Does he seem unhappy? My sons didn’t tend to run with the other boys at this age ether but are fine in themselves

I’ve tried in the past. One of them is very quiet and reserved and so so lovely but everytime she says she’s so busy with work and would love to but work is hectic, I actually really like her as a person so I don’t want stress her out by requesting play dates when she’s clearly busy. The others are nice too but same story that they’re busy. but what makes me wonder is how have they all got so close (the mums) if they don’t meet up?

Your son is being bullied. He doesn't have friends because the boy is bullying him and not letting him play with others.

Here is what you do. With DS, encourage him to describe every single incident with the boy to you. Praise him for telling you. Talk about how friends behave, and how friends don't control us or stop us playing with others.

Make a fuss at the school. Arrange a meeting with the teacher and describe each incident. Frame it as "DS has been worried because....". Go back to the school every single week until it's resolved. Right now they have a bully and it's probably easier to just lump him with your son. You need to make it explicit that this will not in fact be the easy option, because you will constantly be going into the school about it.

Thank you. Did your boys find it easy to make friends later? I just feel they’re all one big group and my son is in the outside

On Monday at pick up, have a chat about this with the Teacher. Tell them things haven’t to your knowledge changed, and ask who he sits with in class and what his interactions are like with others.

Make it known that the other boy is bullying your son, and tell them precisely what happens. The Teacher and other staff may think they are friends and might not have picked up on any of the bossy behaviour. One of my friends was bullied in the same way by her so called friend thought Primary School as the staff thought they were friends and hadn’t picked up on anything untoward.

Ask the school to keep an eye on interactions between the two boys, and ask that other staff are made aware too, such as the lunch supervisors and playground staff. Also feel free to report any specific incidences of bullying as a minor safeguarding concern.

I went through similar with one of my children and I did all of the above. It didn’t take long for the bullying to cease, and for my Daughter to make friends with others as this other child wasn’t keeping her away from other children any longer.

I just feel the teachers are not taking it seriously. The teacher last year looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it. This teacher seems to feel there’s no problem as she’s given my son freedom to choose a friend to play with but he chooses the same boy!

They could have met while they were on maternity leave or just happen to have been friends before children and got pregnant at the same time.

A friend of mine had similar situation with her child, another child wanted her daughter as her only friend and didn't want her to befriend anyone else, she would push everyone away from her.

It was quite distressing for her daughter, she managed to get them parted when they moved year groups as they did a class shuffle and my friend requested her daughter be in a separate class. I didn't really know the mum of the other girl but I did hear her carrying on at the teacher about her daughters distress about being parted from her best friend.

I do feel for teachers in this situation, it must be so hard.

I completely understand where you are coming from, I have a young child with social anxiety and it's devastating watching him struggle.

He's on the outside because the other boy is a bully. Whilst he is bullying your son he isnt bullying the others. The other children aren't going to risk a change in that because then they become potential victims. You need to speak to the school

Some children are just like that. It doesn’t mean they don’t play with others while in school. I think your DS is a bit young to have special friends - which is a good thing. He should be developing multiple friendships and exploring socialising and playing with other children, not fixating on one child.

My GDG got caught up in a controlling friendship like this. She's a people pleaser which didn't help. The school helped but her parents thought it was OK that their child was stopping others being her friend through threats of violence and spreading malicious rumours and also stealing money from my DGD - yes individuals that are likely to become future societal problems are evident in the young...

Pls talk to the school again and also set up some play dates with other kids.

Good luck x

I'm the mum of 2 DS, now in their twenties and I know how tough school can be in terms of making friends. I would say encourage your DS to play with a range of other children (not just focus on 1 person); he doesn't have to have a "best friend" but encourage a range of play mates instead (probably not explaining the difference well but I hope you see what I mean).

After school clubs can be good too. One of my DS didn't really find people on his wave length until he went to music club. He didn't have close friends, but due to being in the school band there was always events, and stuff to do with other children - events, carol service, practise sessions etc. which I think helps if they don't have close friends.

Try a range of clubs and see what he gets into - can be anything such as music, board games, football, swimming. They are all great activities for being part of something and interacting with lots of people, but he doesn't have to have close friends. Lastly, try not to dwell on it and don't show him your concerns.

Also, i can turn our fine even if they don't have close friends. One of my DS is now very sociable and seems to have lots of friends to do stuff with, but at school it was very different. So please don't worry it's like this for life, things chnage.

Get him involved with things out of school like Cubs/football etc

My older boy definitely didn’t have a main friend at this age. Never seemed unhappy but didn’t have a ‘bestie’. He is now in Year 5 and has a great group of friends, which change a bit each time they shift the classes around, but he reliably has two closest friends and 3-5 others that he hangs about with. He is very sociable and loves being with people and sometimes complains when it’s just nuclear family to hang out with! My other boy is Year 2 and mentions other boys’ names sometimes but doesn’t seem to have a main gang and I think is honestly as happy by himself as he is with others. I think his personality is that he likes to do a bit by himself and then come and go with others when he feels like it. I was a bit worried towards the end of Reception that child 2 wasn’t making friends, then I realised that he is just different to some children and values his own games by himself. HE has definitely become more sociable as time has gone on and I felt as if both boys just took a little longer to find themselves in the class than other children. I had to remind myself not worry and make sure that I wasn’t creating a picture that somehow the way my boys were being wasn’t ’good enough’ somehow. I was a very sociable child and to this day like people and get a lot out of both old friends and new, but not everyone is the same. My DH for example is completely unsociable and could go without seeing anyone except me and the boys for a month and be completely happy! I had to remind myself that the way my DH is is just as good as the way I am and each child is going through the process of working out who they are and what they want. Trust that your children will be fine and project that trust. Be with them as they go through the process of growing up and finding themselves, and always remember how brilliant and special your boy is . I hope that helps a little bit. I think for me it was about recognising my own anxieties, not projecting it onto my children, and not expecting them to be any different to how they are. Also remembering that every childhood has bumpy bits and friendship problems. FWIW when I changed schools at around 6-7 I didn’t really have anyone to play with for months. It was a bit crap but honestly not scarring. I think if my mother had made a fuss I’d have felt like there was something wrong with me and I was failing somehow, rather than it just being a phase xx

And I would second others who say arrange a few play dates with other children

You can't dictate who is and isn't in a class at school.

They can try to work together with parents to manage behaviour of the children.

Join him into after school clubs. Sports, martial arts and so on are a good idea. Or any others that are available near you that he is interested in.

He can meet and interact with people that way while building skills or just enjoying what he does.

This. And if it can be with different children from those at school - depends if you live in a rural or suburban area as to how easy this is- that will help. Both my DD have always had friends from outside school through clubs and groups they go to. Better not to have all your eggs in one basket.

Maybe just offer to bring her boy to yours after school one day instead? That way the boys gets to play and the mum gets a few hours to herself. If she's very reserved she might feel like it's too much to spend time alone with you (don't take this the wrong way) whilst the boys play but she might feel more comfortable just picking up later in the evening.

@iCantStopppEating

That’s a real shame to hear.

If you genuinely feel this is the case, escalate and email the Head with your concerns and ask for a meeting. Behaviour behaviour needs nipping in the bud as soon as possible, and supportive interventions need putting in place for those who exhibit this behaviour too.