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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this normal? Mum of twins and a SAHM

20 replies

Mumsworld112 · 06/12/2024 23:05

Hi
I am a first time mum to 9 month old twin boys, and as you can imagine they’re a handful!
I am a SAHM right now, raising them and handling the household chores (I do all the housework except the grocery shop as it’s too difficult taking the twins alone).
Grandparents on both sides can watch the twins for a couple of hours if we want to go for a quick meal but otherwise only I can handle them.

Im not really looking to go back to work until they’re 2-3 years old and in nursery part time. My husband is very supportive and has said I don’t need to go back as he can see how much I have to do at home.
Financially we’ll be okay until they’re atleast 2. I just want some reassurance really that I am being reasonable taking 2-3 years off as I have been so used to working all of my life, although now I have a 24/7 job!
If it was one baby I would have maybe gone back sooner but because it’s twins and childcare is so hard with them (in terms of immediate family being able to babysit) I just can’t see myself being ready to go back yet.

thank you!

OP posts:

bakewellbride · 06/12/2024 23:08

I've been a sahm since my eldest was born over 6 years ago and will continue to be one for 2 more years (when youngest starts school). So over 8 years in total. Really happy with our choice and it suits our set up best as dh's job is so full on / shifts and we've got no family help.

You've got to do what's best by your family

MumonabikeE5 · 06/12/2024 23:12

If you’d have 2 babies with 12-18mon between them you’d have taken 2 years off

I think if you are happy with the set up then why don’t need to rush back?

that said, you being at home is to care for the babies, not to be in charge of the whole house I hope your husband is doing a good portion of domestic jobs. Don’t let he get into the habit of leaving it to you. What will your sons think when they are older? That men go to work and women do domestic work?

Mandylovescandy · 06/12/2024 23:14

Nothing wrong with being a SAHM. I think I would have really enjoyed it but financially wasn't right for us. Also my career isn't one I could easily pick up again so maybe that's the only thing to consider how it will impact your future job options

GetItInYerBag · 06/12/2024 23:22

SAHMs do a tough job and are important - people pay a nanny a healthy salary to do what a SAHM does for free. Most parent helpers in primary schools are SAHMs, same goes for volunteers at playgroups. We need those people and we'd struggle to get them if there were no SAHMs.

I love it - it's the job I've found the most rewarding and satisfying!

Go for it, if you and DH are on the same page then you don't need anyone else's approval (and you won't get much of it on here, MNers are quite anti-SAHM, in my experience).

Pottedpalm · 06/12/2024 23:30

I took six years off with our DTs. No regrets.

Nettleskeins · 06/12/2024 23:32

When I was pregnant with twins and already had an older toddler I met a mother who was a speech therapist(( who had older twin babies herself(. She said something I never forgot," dont rush to enrol them in nursery - twins need attention as they always get half the speech and language input that singletons do, and the longer you can give them that personal attention the better. The later - nearer three - they go to nursery the better for their speech".
We did go to lots of playgroups though!

RabbitsEatPancakes · 06/12/2024 23:33

All the child development studies show children are better off with their primary carer until 2.5/3yrs so you're doing the best for them.

Edenmum2 · 06/12/2024 23:34

You sound like you're smashing it - just enjoy them! You don't get that time back and you certainly won't look back in the future and wish you'd been at work

theduchessofspork · 06/12/2024 23:34

Sure it's fine - make sure you and your husband have equal access to money and time off though, and that he does his bit with the kids.

WalterdelaMare · 06/12/2024 23:36

It’s entirely up to you. If you’re fulfilled being a SAHM and can afford it, it’s the right thing for your family.

I took a year off with both of mine (singletons). I don’t regret it but I was desperate to get back to work by the end, and I only worked 2 days a week for 16 years. I feel very lucky it didn’t affect my career progression as my job is quite a competitive one.

Deeperthantheocean · 06/12/2024 23:43

Just do what is best for you and your family. Your DH has said it's fine financially so if you want to go for it! I would've loved to have stayed at home longer. Looking after LOs is a job in itself, especially twins! Xx

Parker231 · 06/12/2024 23:45

I went back to full time work when DT’s were six months old - my career would have been seriously impacted by a long time out. DT’s thrived at nursery.

PippaPug · 06/12/2024 23:47

i have 4.5 year old twins and I'm a SAHM - due to my previous job it wasn't suitable to go back and I wanted to be the one to look after them plus due to my husbands job, I would always be doing the nursery/school runs so we decided I would stay at home with them - it's hard work but I don't regret it for one second

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2024 23:48

YANBU at all to stay off for the amount of time that works for you. People don’t seem to have the same trouble getting back into the workplace these days as they used to.

However, in general terms, is it really only you who can handle them both? Can your husband not?

If they did go to nursery obviously it would be fine as they have their ratio, and twins are two babies/ toddlers/ children in that just like any other two. So could be your best bet.

WarmFrogPond · 06/12/2024 23:50

It wouldn’t work for me, but we’re all individuals with different tolerances.

Skykidsspy · 06/12/2024 23:52

Try to do your pension contribution and see if you can take a career break

Zonder · 06/12/2024 23:54

However, in general terms, is it really only you who can handle them both? Can your husband not?

That's what I was wondering @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

If their dad can't manage them you have a problem.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 06/12/2024 23:58

Twin mum here. I worked one day a week when my twins were born just to keep my hand in. I didn’t earn anything as it went in childcare. I just worked in a job where i needed to keep up to date. I got made redundant and took a year off when they were about 4 as life was very chaotic and i used to get the house in order, and add a bit of order into our lives. When i was ready to work again i found a job straightway because i’d kept my hand in. It costs so much in childcare that it wasn’t worth the stress of working. Just make sure that child benefit is paid to you so you get the NI credits.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/12/2024 00:03

I have a 2 year old and 7 month old twins. I went back when they were 3 months. Everyone is different, I wouldn't want to still be at home personally.

The only unreasonable thing is the fact that you're the only one that can 'handle' them despite the fact that DH is their parent too. He needs to be able to look after his own children himself.

Bambaroo · 07/12/2024 00:09

YANBU in becoming a SAHM if it works for you and suits your family. You don’t need to justify that decision to anyone. Just make sure that you are protected financially and that there will be avenues open to resume work, if this is what you want to do. I’d have loved to have been able to stay at home for longer, personally.

You lost me a bit with your reasoning that ”if it was one baby I would have maybe gone back sooner but because it’s twins and childcare is so hard with them (in terms of immediate family being able to babysit)…” Lots of people don’t have any family able to babysit, no matter the number of babies! I have three under four with no babysitters on standby, and have had to pay for multiple sets of nursery fees simultaneously, which is surely what you would do if you returned to work?

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