To find life so terribly lonely and exhausted

[lalallola]

I’m a single mum with a nearly 2 year old and 3 year old. I’ve been single since my youngest was 3 and a half months out. There dad has had some involvement since them but it always seems to end in him letting us down.

I just feel so lonely? Like there’s no one in my life I can truly relate to, I have friends but they are in relationships. I just feel like I don’t really have an emotional relationship with anybody where I can really talk about how I’m feeling.

I’m so exhausted, I try my best with the kids and we stay very busy, as admittedly that helps me cope too. We go to lots of local toddler groups, we have a soft play pass so we go there a few times a week, and we go to toddler classes once a week. I talk to people here but it’s never really much of a meaningful conversation.

I love my children more than anything, and it’s not them that get me down, it’s more just the seemingly neverendingness of everything else. The never ending washing, cleaning, planning, things that need to be brought, responsibility. I just wish I could have been a family with my ex, eventhough I chose to leave and I know this was the right thing to do, I feel like I will always mourn the family unit that could have been. I had a missed miscarriage this year too, and that was a very lonely and difficult experience, I will never forget the sonographer saying ‘I’m sorry but it would seem all is not well with this baby’.

I tried to join the gym with one of my friends who doesn’t have children, but this didn’t work out because of childcare.

I’m 23, and I find myself so desperately fearful for the future and how I’m going to provide a life for my children as I dropped out of law school when I got pregnant with my daughter.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for with this, maybe just agreement that life is awful at times 😂 or advice on what I can do to improve my life or help myself? I’m so burnt out, I’m always up so late doing housework and I find it hard to do with two toddlers in the day, and also because I feel guilty if I’m not giving them my undivided attention as their dad isn’t around. I’ve had a vomiting bug recently so I think that just really reminded me how lonely it can be as I literally thought how am I meant to cope looking after two young children in this state. If there’s any other single mums who read this do you have any tips? Or how you cope long term?

Oh also to add to this, my three year old has now got into the routine of getting into bed with me each night, and waking around 10.30pm-11pm so usually at this point she has to come downstairs as I am still tidying up etc so I settle her on the sofa and then take her to bed with me. Should I allow this phase? Or am I just making a rod for my own back 🫣

It won't always be like this, I promise.

Children grow and get easier to look after. You are so young, you'll still be young enough to do something with your skills when they start nursery and school.

You're in the parenting trenches right now with being knackered all the time and the endless grind and it's like time has slowed down!

Just hang in there and this too shall pass.

In the meantime, do you have any support from family?

Yes just let your DD do that if it’s making things easier now. She gets security from you with it and it stops you having a tussle over it with her when you’re already tired. Children change fast and who knows, she’ll get a new pillowcase or something and suddenly only want to sleep in her own “pillowcase” bed. These things are little phases and the trick is to get through each phase one at a time. It IS tough when they are little op, but they’ll be in school before you know it.

Yes this stage is exhausting, totally, and can be very lonely. In many ways though you are lucky that your two are close together because although that makes it so tough, you will be out of the woods sooner. And as you are so young you should be able to pick developing a career up when the kids are in school or maybe sooner, as poster above syas. I would start doing your research and making plans, even if it's a few years before you can act on them, that will give you something to work towards to making all your lives better. Good luck. x

Sorry, this sounds hard. But your kids are lucky they have a loving mum. Don't beat yourself up about housework etc, just do the basics, set a timer. Also, every mum feels guilt about not always having time for little ones, whether dad is around or not.
Slowly life will get easier. Once your kids are at school u will have more time and can resume a career. Chin up, your doing a great job!!

You’re only 23 - and you’re a single mum of two tiny ones. It’s really tough right now, I know (I’m a single mum- only one, and I was a bit older than you), but I know how you’re feeling.

my best advice for you is this

Remember law school will be there in a few years, or in 10 years, whenever you’re ready to go back

You need a support network- make it your mission to find some friends - maybe at the activities you take your kids to? Make it a top priority to find friends at the same stage you are with your kids

Like you, I try to do housework at night when DS is in bed. This means sometimes I don’t do it because I’m fucking exhausted. And that’s okay.

If you dont work, think about taking advantage of free nursery hours and getting back to work even very part time. It will do wonders for your self esteem and help you start thinking about the future more positively. And I promise you- no job is as tiring as being at home with kids.

and listen- you’re seen, mama. You’re doing a great job. And I promise you, easier days are coming.

You need adult company. Does dad not have them for days or nights?

What are you doing re contraception? As it sounds like 2 is stretching your coping and you're only 23.

Yes this is what I was feeling! Hence why I tried to join the gym with a friend but that didn’t work out. No he never has, I’ve had one night off in three years where I didn’t have to get up with the kids the next morning, had a few other nights out etc but still had to get up with the kids the next day.

My daughter currently attends with the 15 hours free and my son with be able to go from summer next year. Yes I would love to work! But again this fills me with anxiety about fitting it about the kids as the nursery hours are 8am - 1pm two days a week (stretched funding). I got a business loan early in the year and started up a pop up play cafe open three days a week, we were out of the house from 7.30am-5pm which honestly gave me a new lease of life and has left me itching to work, but unfortunately had to stop as my parents were helping and I think it was a bit too much to expect from them and it put pressure on our relationship, but it was too early on to hire someone and pay them a decent wage.

my heart goes out to you. i hope things get better for you soon. it sounds like youre doing an amazing job with your kids. when they are a bit older i'd suggest joining the gym again and signing up to classes. there you may find a nice friendship circle

Yes life is very lonely as a single mum and sadly I can't say it gets better well at least for me it hasn't but their father isn't involved so not had a night to myself since youngest was born 8 YEARS ago 🙄

You sound like such a great person and mum. Have you heard of peanut? It's like tinder but for local mom friends instead! I've never used it but have lots of friends that have had great success with it!

This is such a hard bit when they are so little, but it won't be like this forever. You literally have your whole life ahead of you. you're doing great

Don't try and have it all at once, that is the way to burn out.

Right now for the next couple of years (another 700 or so days it's not long) , you are in baby mode. It really doesn't last forever. Workout your current priorities, quality time with children, everyone fed and watered and everyone getting enough sleep - including you. Get yourself in bed for 10pm with or without your daughter, it'll help you cope the next day and deal with any night time interruptions. Housework will wait, do the lions share during the day and there should be thatmuch needed doing in the evening.

Once your DC are Primary school age you'll be out at work whilst they are at school, you'll get time to your self whilst they are at extra curriculars even if you've downloaded some grown up shows to watch in the car, or pp to the pub with a book to wait, or volunteer to help out for some adult socialising.

Secondary school age you'll suddenly have more free time than you know what to go with.

As for loneliness having adult chit chat in the background is really useful via radio or podcast. Not making proper connection - you can't force that but writing in a diary might help and it gets easier.

I had DD at 23, went back to work at 26 (started slowly PT, term time only to fit around DD then took on more hours as she grew), learnt to drive at 30, did an OU degree between 30-36.

I think the best thing I did was not date, I put the thought completely out my head and just focused on making my and DDs life as good as possible. Dating has a financial, energy, emotional and time cost that really I prefered to spend on her. Now DD is in mid teens I have plenty of time, energy and finances to date if I want to..

I also trained her on the things I like so going to the theatre and eating out - we started with toddler friendly shows then slowly built that up, same with eating out started in cafes and got nicer as she got older. Now DD is a real foodie and has a lovely for watch theatre and Shakespeare and it's a great thing to share.

I know that right now this feels very distant, but in a few years both kids will be in full time school and you'll still only be 25 - still so young.

You say that you dropped out of law school - is there any possibility of picking that up again? You could do a part time course with the open university or with a local university,.so that when the kids are at school you can hit the ground running with a profession. Just an idea, but perhaps there's something like that, something from home that would set you up for leaping straight into a job a few years down the line.

You're clearly smart & driven with the law / business ideas and so I'm sure opportunities will come to earn well once the kids are at school.

These are tough years but you can do it. Don't sweat the small stuff. 3yo in your bed is no big deal if it gets you all decent sleep.

Big thing...

Get some rock solid contraception. 2 kids on your own is tough but you'll see them
Grow together and be a unit. Don't risk that stability with new men & babies.

100% all of this, great advice

You sound so lovely and a great mum! I just want to say about the 3 years old sleeping with you, I did the same with my dd, she basically slept with me for most of her toddler and preschool life. It meant we both slept and she eventually grew out of it!

I'm sure you will make a least one good mum friend when your eldest starts school, so hang in there. These are the hardest years and try to remember you are giving it your all for your children and clearly doing an amazing job. I met a few mum's, one at a playgroup and one when my eldest started reception class, and both have been really good friends. We all still have our own older/school friends but we baby sit for each other, help out in emergencies, have had each other's children overnight at times and generally lean on each other/share our frustrations etc. Maybe ask someone that you know and like from the playgroup if they'd like to go for a coffee outside of the group and see how that goes. You are doing a fantastic, worthwhile job. Try to speed up your house chores and get to bed earlier like a PP said. I would also recommend putting your child straight back in their own bed with v.v. little interaction/talking if they get up, almost treat it like they're sleep walking and they will hopefully get the message that bed is where they should be. My youngest kept getting up like yours, I would scoop him up, cuddle him as i carried him back to bed, just saying, 'It's bedtime, back to bed". I would sit by his bed and soothe him if he needed it but I was very strict with both of mine in that respect, for my own sanity as I could not have slept with them in the same bed and I would've gone mad without sleep. Could you ask your parents to babysit one evening a month and join a gym or bookclub or similar? A young mum with two children has just joined ours and she's lovely. Keep on keeping on.