Friend with poor MH and my asking her for a painting

pinkpjamas1 · 2024-12-06T17:18:36+00:00

I have known this woman since school and we're both in our forties. More a WWYD than an AIBU I guess. Ever since we've known one another she has had fragile MH and struggled a lot. She is now diagnosed with certain conditions that are quite serious. We're not close friends per se but she trusts me with a lot of her issues, talks to me in depth about her struggles which is fine. I lived a long way from her for around 10 years, and when I moved back near my hometown I got in touch with her to meet up, we met up for an social event but she panicked and had to leave early. Just to illustrate that she does struggle and I want to be gentle with her. This was 2021 and we haven't met up since, I don't want to push her to do anything, but we mesg semi-regularly. She can't really work, but she is an amazing artist and does art to order. Also in 2021 I asked her if she still did art to order as I wanted a painting. She said she did, but that she didn't do it as much as she had struggled with recovery after her last occurrence of MH issues. Asked if I wanted something and I said yes but I was very clear that I did not want her to do it if it was going to cause her any distress or she just didn't feel like it. She said she'd love to do it for me and she'd do it free and (obviously) I said no, I would pay for it, the reason I'd asked is just because I would rather give her my money than a 'randomer'. I also told her there was absolutely no rush, to please take her time and do it as she felt up to it. She sketched me some designs, I chose one, I paid her something for the canvas (it wasn't a lot, I think about £40)and she set to work. A few weeks later she sent me what she'd done so far, it looked fabulous. Not long after that she told me she was sorry but she'd been ill and hadn't got any further with it. Again, I stressed that this wasn't a problem, to get herself better and just do it at her own pace. Four years ish later it never materialised. She sent another couple of msgs apologising and saying she'd work on it soon or whatever. I don't know whether to ask her something about it or just forget about it and assume she's just too poorly and leave it. WWYD? I don't want to feel I am guilt-tripping her or such, but equally, if she still wants to do it I would still like her to? As I am writing this, I am thinking I should just write it off..

Anotherworrier · 06/12/2024 17:21

I’d write it off. Six months after I might have asked for my £40 back but to much time has passed now.

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pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 17:22

Okay. Thanks-yes, I guess I wouldn't have done that even because it isn't as if she can use the canvas for anything else, she'd already began my painting.

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BeatrizBoniface · 06/12/2024 17:24

Yes, just forget about it now.

CatJ21 · 06/12/2024 17:35

4 years!! Yes of course forget about it now. You will seem strange if you randomly bring it up now

CatDays · 06/12/2024 17:40

What’s brought this up after 4 years? If you’re just wondering about it and there isn’t anything specific regarding her that brought this to mind, I would just let it go at this point. She probably got to a point with her MH that it was too much to cope with.

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pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 17:41

Just her being in touch about something else that reminded me.

But yes, I'll write it off, and try to think if I have any more 'artsty' friends!

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TheDisgustingBrothers · 06/12/2024 17:49

pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 17:41

Just her being in touch about something else that reminded me.

But yes, I'll write it off, and try to think if I have any more 'artsty' friends!

Couldn’t you just look for someone online/Etsy/locally instead of trying to pin down another friend? You might find yourself in the same situation :/ why not just commission someone you don’t know who is more likely to fulfil your order?

SpeculativeHoumous · 06/12/2024 17:50

Just leave it. If it turns up its a bonus. You gave her £40 to give it a ago basically which was very kind of you

Jom222 · 06/12/2024 17:55

Would you be willing to accept it in its unfinished state? Maybe you can kindly ask for it that way, tell you know its incomplete but are happy with it as is

(assuming its close to finished, if not write it off)

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pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 17:57

TheDisgustingBrothers · 06/12/2024 17:49

Couldn’t you just look for someone online/Etsy/locally instead of trying to pin down another friend? You might find yourself in the same situation :/ why not just commission someone you don’t know who is more likely to fulfil your order?

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That is a point, I guess I just always try to support friends if I need a service that they can do?

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ItGhoul · 06/12/2024 17:57

For the sake of £40, I'd say nothing. Different if it was £400.

I had a similar situation with someone who was going to make me a piece of costume jewellery. She didn't want me to pay her, as it was in return for a lot of very time-consuming favours I'd done for her, but I did have to send her some things that I wanted incorporated into the jewellery. That was about a decade ago. It never materialised.

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pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 17:58

Jom222 · 06/12/2024 17:55

Would you be willing to accept it in its unfinished state? Maybe you can kindly ask for it that way, tell you know its incomplete but are happy with it as is

(assuming its close to finished, if not write it off)

The last time I saw it it was only just started, but I don't know how much she's worked on it since.

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pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 17:58

ItGhoul · 06/12/2024 17:57

For the sake of £40, I'd say nothing. Different if it was £400.

I had a similar situation with someone who was going to make me a piece of costume jewellery. She didn't want me to pay her, as it was in return for a lot of very time-consuming favours I'd done for her, but I did have to send her some things that I wanted incorporated into the jewellery. That was about a decade ago. It never materialised.

That's an odd one! Did you talk to her about it?

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LuckyOrMaybe · 06/12/2024 18:09

It's a tricky situation. I'm suddenly reminded of a violinmaker my family knows well. My sister had an instrument off him as a prize and eventually bought I think two more violins from him, made to order (she plays professionally). My mother when ordering the last of these offered to order instruments for me and my children. After the second of these was done, there was initially no great urgency to receive the third as my youngest wasn't yet up to a full size instrument. But perhaps around that time the elderly luthier stopped working and became quite depressed. Occasionally my mother kept in touch with him (he loved to hear updates on what my sister was doing), and gently reminded him we were still hoping for one more instrument from him.

Soon after that we must have had a trip home when we visited him together. His wife was very pleased that, possibly due to my mother's prompting, he'd started working again - he was much easier to live with when occupied in his home workshop!! We were able to take photos of the partially made violin and eventually, some time later, my son got his instrument and now it's at uni with him (not studying music, nor is violin his preferred instrument but its still getting used!).

So gentle reminders in this case were actually positive overall, I don't know if that was the last instrument he made but it could have been. Hopefully he's managed a little more because even in his 80s it was clear that working with wood was his life, and probably part of what kept him alive.

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pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 18:14

LuckyOrMaybe · 06/12/2024 18:09

It's a tricky situation. I'm suddenly reminded of a violinmaker my family knows well. My sister had an instrument off him as a prize and eventually bought I think two more violins from him, made to order (she plays professionally). My mother when ordering the last of these offered to order instruments for me and my children. After the second of these was done, there was initially no great urgency to receive the third as my youngest wasn't yet up to a full size instrument. But perhaps around that time the elderly luthier stopped working and became quite depressed. Occasionally my mother kept in touch with him (he loved to hear updates on what my sister was doing), and gently reminded him we were still hoping for one more instrument from him.

Soon after that we must have had a trip home when we visited him together. His wife was very pleased that, possibly due to my mother's prompting, he'd started working again - he was much easier to live with when occupied in his home workshop!! We were able to take photos of the partially made violin and eventually, some time later, my son got his instrument and now it's at uni with him (not studying music, nor is violin his preferred instrument but its still getting used!).

So gentle reminders in this case were actually positive overall, I don't know if that was the last instrument he made but it could have been. Hopefully he's managed a little more because even in his 80s it was clear that working with wood was his life, and probably part of what kept him alive.

Aww, thank you for sharing,that's a nice story!

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CountTo10 · 06/12/2024 18:26

pinkpjamas1 · 06/12/2024 17:22

Okay. Thanks-yes, I guess I wouldn't have done that even because it isn't as if she can use the canvas for anything else, she'd already began my painting.

Slightly off topic but if it's in oils or acrylic she definitely can use the canvas again. You just paint over it when it's dry.

But yes I'd just write it off and see it as a lesson learnt.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/12/2024 22:40

Since you like what she's done so far, you could ask her to give it to you as is. She's an artist in a delicate state of mind and that is reflected in the unfinished painting. One day maybe she will ask for it back and complete it, but meanwhile you have something beautiful and meaningful.

LoremIpsumCici · 06/12/2024 22:44

I agree it’s probably a write off, but I think reassuring her to not worry about it might be better than letting it lurk in her mind. Have you reduced contact or seeing her socially? If so, she may feel it is because she has let you down. Her poor MH means her mind will likely be very anxious and hyper sensitive to any kind of behaviour that hints at rejection, disappointment…

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pinkpjamas1 · 07/12/2024 07:18

CountTo10 · 06/12/2024 18:26

Slightly off topic but if it's in oils or acrylic she definitely can use the canvas again. You just paint over it when it's dry.

But yes I'd just write it off and see it as a lesson learnt.

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That's a good point, it was in acrylic. I'm about as arty as your average cockroach so hadn't considered that.

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pinkpjamas1 · 07/12/2024 07:20

LoremIpsumCici · 06/12/2024 22:44

I agree it’s probably a write off, but I think reassuring her to not worry about it might be better than letting it lurk in her mind. Have you reduced contact or seeing her socially? If so, she may feel it is because she has let you down. Her poor MH means her mind will likely be very anxious and hyper sensitive to any kind of behaviour that hints at rejection, disappointment…

I don't see her socially often but we do talk. I don't think she does many social things. She tends to be up all night and sleeps during the day. I don't pry into her life, more so allow her to approach me. Maybe I am projecting projecting and should invite her out for a walk/coffee or something. I won't invite her out to anything overly social or involving alcohol or a lot of people or anything too involved but again, I might be projecting and deciding what is good and bad for her. It's a bit of a minefield.
The last thing that she panicked at was an event at a pub (traditional dancing and summer fete type thing) and it was just a bit much for her, but I didn't realise that at the time.

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Gallowayan · 07/12/2024 07:28

I would just let it go.

pasturesgreen · 07/12/2024 07:41

It's been 3 years, the painting isn't coming.
Also, and this will make me sound like a bitch, but it doesn't sound like you have much of a friendship going these days: last met up in 2021, despite living in the same town, only in touch sporadically? Honestly sounds more like a distant acquaintance.

Flippingflamingo · 07/12/2024 07:48

As someone with anxiety and some mental health struggles just each out and let her choose how to meet up.

Don’t worry about inviting her to something she might not cope with, let her make the decisions about what she can and can’t do. I’ve had friends in the past not invite me to things because they think I won’t cope and it’s really upsetting as I want to make decisions about myself myself!

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pinkpjamas1 · 07/12/2024 07:58

pasturesgreen · 07/12/2024 07:41

It's been 3 years, the painting isn't coming.
Also, and this will make me sound like a bitch, but it doesn't sound like you have much of a friendship going these days: last met up in 2021, despite living in the same town, only in touch sporadically? Honestly sounds more like a distant acquaintance.

We're not in the same town, roughly 40 min drive. I'd happily meet up with her every week but I just don't want to pressure her. You don't sound like a bitch! I do value her and try to be supportive.

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pinkpjamas1 · 07/12/2024 07:59

Flippingflamingo · 07/12/2024 07:48

As someone with anxiety and some mental health struggles just each out and let her choose how to meet up.

Don’t worry about inviting her to something she might not cope with, let her make the decisions about what she can and can’t do. I’ve had friends in the past not invite me to things because they think I won’t cope and it’s really upsetting as I want to make decisions about myself myself!

Yes, this is what I were thinking with my previous post. I'm assuming her feelings aren't I?
Maybe for all I know, she'd appreciate a wild night out clubbing 🤣or something and I'm assuming she only wants to do quieter things.

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