Not wanting to accept food off my mum?

[AhwoofDuggee]

For context my parents in particular my DM likes to accept other people's food that they give away. I think partly because it is free and also so it doesn't go to waste.

However I have to be careful due to my immune system and take dates on food seriously. I find it hard to reason with her when she does this and I have said no in the past but that does get ignored.

She has come round today with more food which I haven't asked for and I fear I will end up bining it as waste which I then feel guilty for.

I want to be honest and say please stop but it is hard to tell if she will be offended as she is very stubborn and I struggle to get her to listen at times.

What shall I do?

Thanks

Just say thanks, take it, and bin it.

Put it in the bin and don't feel any guilt. It's not you that caused the waste - it's your stubborn mother.

“No thank you, I won’t eat it (just claim it’s not a food you like)…. No really please take it back….Oh wait mum you forgot that food remember I said I didn’t want.”

if she still won’t listen or ‘insists’ you take it, bin it in her sight. “I told you I didn’t want it”

My MIL was like this. We would say no but it would get ‘accidentally’ left behind or she would just hand it to my husband as she left saying ‘you’ll eat these won’t you?’ and he was trained to just agree to keep the peace.

So I started physically handing it back “oh hold on you forgot these”
”but it’ll just go in the bin”
”that’s fine, that’s all we’d do with it and we don’t really have space in our bin. Bye bye now”

Stopped completely after I’d done this twice.

If you don't feel like you can speak to her about it, download the Olio app and put anything you don't want on there.

You aren't being unreasonable, you have a serious health condition. Just put the food in the bin and don't think twice about it.

When you find yourself feeling guilty for very reasonable behaviour, and you are unable to say 'no' to something unreasonable for fear the other person will get annoyed; then google 'out of the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt'. You shouldn't have to parent your parents.

Where is she constantly meeting people that are giving away free food? Is she asking for food off people? 🤨

This. I dont get all the hand wringing. So many of us were brought up being made to feel guilty over binning food leading to all sorts of issues. Sometimes it can't be helped and that's ok. Don't feel guilty.

“Mum, if you bring me food past its use by date, I’m going to bin it, ok? Not interested in a debate, you eat what you want, but I don’t want out of date food.”

Just tell her, it's not your fault if she gets offended.

And tell her every single time you've had to bin it too.

Exactly this

A relative of mine who is sadly no longer alive used to be keen on bringing over half eaten jars and packets - once a half eaten banana!! I did find it odd , I guess it was the 'don't waste' mentality as she was a child in the 50s

No thanks mum, I don't want it.
Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Yep!

I had a neighbor like this, belongs to those buy nothing groups. Constantly bringing me garbage. Dirty clothes rotten food. Mind you very affluent women. I tried being nice , didnt work and finally said stop. I will only throw it in the garbage. She stopped.

Oh grow up! If you can afford to buy your own food and are not reliant on your parents to support you then tell them - no more food parcels. Do they not realise your " immune system " problems? Don't take it and bin it because then it becomes your problem. Your parents are free to take/eat whatever they want but you just have to stop them passing it onto you.

If you do this, she'll keep giving as she'll tell herself she's helping you!
Tell her clearly you don't want it and you'll bin anything past its use by/best before date if she doesn't take it back. Stick to that message.
Saying that, I often eat stuff past its BB/UB date. It's good to challenge your immune system 😃

You really can’t work this out for yourself?

I agree if you keep binning it she’ll keep giving it to you.
Next time say a firm no and if necessary hold your hand out with palm upright and facing her in a clear gesture that shows you mean it. If she tries to leave it sitting somewhere (be vigilant), hand it back and say ‘I won’t use this’ and don’t let her leave till it’s in her hands. Either that or like someone else said, bin it in front of her. She’ll get the message.
Who is giving her all this free food anyway? Some people have emotional issues relating to food and waste- did she live in poverty at any time maybe? That doesn’t mean you have to accept it, hold to your boundaries.

@Pottedpalm not sure what you mean by that?

I just wanted some impartial advice because I find it difficult to talk my parents at times especially my mum. She is very stubborn and I have on occasions asked no to receive food.

She attends a lot of knitting/ crotching groups. Whilst I like she is socialising, I don't how she acts in these groups and why she feels the need to accept stuff. She does this with wool as well. I can understand not wanting to waste things but the number of presents I have bought over the years that were never used and ended up in charity shops could be seen as a waste.

I did send a message earlier today unsure of what reaction to expect and just got a thumbs up. That is her normal type of conversation with me. I will tell my dad when I see him and be honest.

I get you. I've an auto immune condition that requires me to be careful around food. You've just got to pick your battles, sometimes I can give a "No, I'm not risking that" or other times I accept and bin.
I'm also intolerant to alcohol which people don't get. My dad presented me with a prosecco Advent calendar a few years ago which I accepted gracefully and a "bless him for getting me that" attitude.. It wasn't until I was giving them away that a friend said how sad it must be that my Dad has taken no notice of my condition. I can't take every little thing to heart though, you've just gota get on with it.

This made me laugh, as my DM is a member of a crochet/knitting circle and similarly to yours, is constantly bringing things she doesn't want to "gift" to me - I wonder if we're sisters?!

I have had serious gastro issues (requiring surgery), so am careful about what I eat, but DM still insists "Have this ham, I know the date is a few days over, but it smells fine!" or "I cooked this chicken casserole yesterday and I forgot to put it in the fridge overnight, but I thought you guys might enjoy it!" Honestly, it's like she wants me to be sick!

The other thing my DM does is bring me clothes she no longer wants. She's 25 years older, 3 sizes smaller and a few inches taller than me, with very different taste - yet she insists I try things on, cos "You never know, you might like it!" When I say no, she tries to get me to see if either of my teenage DD's want them instead - I now keep a bag for her castoffs which I regularly take to the Charity Shop!

Food banks??

Why dont you sit down and have an earnest chat with her. Tell her that your immune system being kept safe is essential for your good health and that out of date food could be genuinely dangerous for you. If she minimises it then get angry with her and just tell her that your health is important to you. And if she won't take that on board then tell her she needs to seriously grow up and think about her thoughtless behaviour.

@Daygloboo Hopefully she’s figured it out by now.