Too good to leave, too bad to stay?

[Bonsaitree7]

I have read the book mentioned in the title but I still don't know what to do! I'm engaged to my DP of 4 years. We are both early 30's and have a great friendship, share the same sense of humour, have shared friends and go on lovely holidays. We have no kids and probably won't as neither of us are particularly bothered. For this reason, we purchased a 1 bedroom apartment in London as we didn't really need the extra space. This all sounds great on paper.

We have been engaged for 18 months and friends and family are starting to ask how our wedding planning is going. I have been putting it off citing cost reasons. The truth is that we are in a sexless relationship with close to zero physical intimacy and I rarely even receive a hug let alone a kiss or sex. I am never told that I am loved or receive any compliments or words of affirmation. He has been like this from the start of our relationship but it was never this infrequent and from the start he blamed it on finding it difficult to relax due to having a stressful job.

I feel like I cannot be content with having almost zero or no sex or intimacy at my age, potentially for the rest of my life. I have brought this up several times over the years and nothing changes and he is often defensive. I am starting to fantasise about being single or just disappearing and taking myself off to an air bnb for a couple of weeks. I feel that if we lived separately or were renting it would make my decision so much easier.

The major barrier that I have is our one bedroom flat. We are so lucky to have the flat but if I were to leave I literally have nowhere to go and I have no idea how I would get to work. My job has a 3 month notice period and I am required to work in the office 3 days a week. All my family live in the North so although my parents would have me home in a heartbeat, moving back would be unfeasible. They also live rurally and the job prospects where they live are not great. Most of my friends in London are still in houseshares or tiny flats so moving in with them temporarily is out of the question. If I ended the relationship I would have no choice but to remain in a one bedroom flat with him which I can imagine would affect my mental health and it would be soo awkward after breaking up.

I can't afford London rental prices alone on my salary alongside the mortgage which I would still need to pay as well while we await the sale of the property to go through. I would have nothing left at the end of the month. I have a small sum of money saved as I've been squirelling money away for the past few months but as you know, London is so expensive. I can't afford to buy him out. I would love any help or suggestions.

Gonna have the deal with the awkwardness of still living there.

But would it really be all that bad? Sounds like nothing would change, except one of you would probably make the living room your bedroom. Then over time you can figure out together what to do with the flat. Maybe he would buy you out allowing you to rent or buy somewhere else etc.

You need to break it off with him before you end up sleeping with someone else. Could you do a house share in the short term if you left and could he possibly buy you out?

I think that given the circumstances, if you were to find a new job in the North, you wouldn't be unreasonable to expect some flexibility from your employer regarding your work location during your notice period.

As time goes on you're likely to become more and more resentful and the circumstances that resulted in your decision to stay (the flat) isn't going to change.

Sometimes you need to listen to your gut and rip the plaster off.

Look into your options and leave. You're young, haven't been together too long and are already miserable. I'm 20 years in, two kids, married and was in your situation and stayed. Im still, if not more, miserable. My mental health is down the pan and have all the extra responsibility to weigh up now all because I wanted to avoid that 'awkward' few months of still having to live together. It's really not worth it my lovely.
Good luck.

You need to break it off with him. You have a number of options and need to choose the least bad of them - they are all temporary

• tell him and live with him while the flat sells
• give notice, break it off but live there together, move out in 3 months back to your parents while you
• give notice, don't tell him, tell him in 3 months and move back to your parents
• if there is equity in the flat, fund moving out sooner through loans on the basis that when the flat sells you can pay them off
• give him a bigger share of the equity in return for not paying the mortgage while the flat sells
• and more and more and more...

But you absolutely have to break it off.

That's absolutely not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. Work out what your budget would be, and look into your options ie cost of renting a room in a flat or house share, maybe further out of London. Is there anything you can do in terms of cutting costs to start building your emergency fund? Would your employer let you work remotely for at least a couple of months so you could stay with your parents - or at least go down to 1 or 2 days, which might allow you to commute from up north and stay one night on a friend's sofa?

There is no love in your relationship. Personally I think sex is overrated but hugs, cuddles and tenderness is crucial to feel and give love. Right now you have a flatmate. Either you're OK with that or you do everything you can to get out (couchsleeping at friends for a while?)

This is what I am truly concerned about, I have never cheated but the lack of affection and validation sometimes makes the idea seem tempting. I want someone to make me feel beautiful and desired, not like one of his mates.

You are not unreasonable to want that, @Bonsaitree7

I would keep schtumm while looking for a new job in the North. When you have found one, tell him, sell the flat (or he buys you out). Live with parents for a year or two, save money and if you want to go back to London you can. Although for me, by mid 30's I was done with London. When your friends start having kids they will be out of those tiny flats/houseshares and moving away anyway.

You can't commit yourself to someone who has basically friend zoned you while IN a relationship with you. The short term pain of moving out, selling the flat, rethinking your living arrangements will be worth the long term gain of finding someone who loves and DESIRES you. You know that. If he gets defensive, you say you have given him lots of chances, he hasn't changed and you can't live like this anymore. The longest journey starts with the first step. Go for it.