Last Minute communication

[Pillowoasis]

NC for this post as have posted before.

Been with partner 4 years have told him before about his lack of communication he will "forget" to mention about things and usually tell you quite a while after the event if even. So a month ago we where discussing Christmas do's he says he's not going to his doesnt feel like it thats fine. He's due to meet me today and he's staying with me for a long weekend. We are in communication daily messaged yesterday morning, at lunch and then the night previous all the usual any plans for the evening are u working from home or office etc just making conversation as we don't live together. So we where in communication yesterday, I knew he was working in office, his office is 1.5hrs away from his home. Anyway to the point I find out with a message about 6pm when I ask what he's up to that he's at his Christmas do! They are all out for a meal having drinks and then he's booked into a nearby hotel and will travel to mine from there. To be clear the Christmas do is not the issue its the communication. He has no clothes here he would have prepackaged a bag this has all been pre-planned and not a peep. Things like this happen quite frequently and I dont know if im being unreasonable to be annoyed about communication?

Err….so he changed his plans, hasn’t actually yet done anything to impact you in any way (not arriving any earlier etc), and you’re basically annoyed he didn’t tell you he’d changed his plans?! That’s it?!

People can change their plans, OP, without telling their partner - particularly when it doesn’t impact said partner in any way. That’s the beauty of being an adult.

You are his partner not his gaoler.

As a one-off, it doesn't seem like a problem as it's not affecting your own plans.

But as a pattern of behaviour, I would call it lying by omission, rather than 'last minute communication' and so he wouldn't be for me, especially if the lies were affecting things we did together.

It's not impacting our plans although he may be hungover not an issue the issue is when I was speaking to him at night and in the morning he didn't mention it until physically there I just find it strange because I'm the complete opposite and would probably be talking about it a few weeks in advance. I would just like to think given we talk everyday several times a day it would have came up prior to him being there as it takes time to organise. He Is always saying he's just working then turns out he been to his mates, out for runs etc I guess its just nice to make proper conversation thats all when all I hear is just working all the time. We only gt to see each other once a month so I do feel communication is important

Either he doesn’t consider you enough to tell you, or he’s lying by omission, either way it doesn’t make him sound good.

Some people get stressed when they have to plan things ahead so they remain vague and go with the flow. On top of that some people find it difficult to predict what they are going to be in the mood for. So it’s possible your partner decided he didn’t want to go to the Xmas party and then decided he was in the mood at the last moment.
Its infuriating but this is pretty much how I run my life

It sounds as though his life is geared to " doing his own thing" without any thought to whoever he is in a relationship with. That he doesn't see a need to share his life apart from when he is actually doing something with you. A sort of compartmentalisation where you only feature as of importance in one section of his life.
It doesn't sound as though he is a partner in the true sense of the word.

I really don't see the problem here. He decided fairly last minute to go to his Christmas do and it doesn't impact you in the slightest. Good for him for not being a Grinch. Maybe you could fit a tracking device to him? Or have access to his phone and emails? Then he won't be able to do anything without you knowing about it.

🙄 its not about where he is its the communication! its with most things as couples when you talk you generally share about your day your plans and it wasn't last minute it was planned well over a week ago. You don't see the issue here its not this one time its with most things hes not great at communicating like he would say oh yea did I not tell u two weeks ago that I crashed the car I thought I did? Like this is constant

If you don't have kids or plans together what's the issue. He doesn't want to have to run his plans past you he wants to be free to just do what he wants when he wants. I suggest you do the same. Go out and have fun!!

Some people are just scatty. I have a friend like this. It's OK, as once bitten twice shy, I don't make important plans with her. She is a "meet for coffee" friend not a "plan a weekend away with" friend.

Whether I would be so blasé about it if it were DH, I am not so sure. That would annoy me. So I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I would have to give thought as to what happens long term.

But I don't think there is any malice aforethought with your partner. He is just living his life but not joing the dots properly.

What’s the problem and why does it need to be ran past you…

It's weird! The Christmas party is irrelevant. And the OP obviously doesn't care if he goes or not, or where it is.

It's weird to be talking to your partner a few times a day and for them not to mention that they're doing something, especially if it's something unusual. Maybe you wouldn't mention e.g. going to the gym if you do it daily.

It's just making conversation.
What did you do today? Any plans for this week?
Yeah, we've our Christmas party on Thursday, I might go to that.
Sounds good, enjoy.

I don't see the problem. Does he need to tell you of all of his plans?

Thank you this is it exactly im not some control freak gf who needs to know his whereabouts I just find it odd and a bit annoying his communication is poor in that he doesn't mention things as @85isalive said I literally would have said sounds good possibly where use thinking for food only because I am a foodie and then im sure ul enjoy. Given we talk quite a lot and this is his prefence by the way he never really actually says anything if that makes sense

I think this sums it up well.

If you are OK with being a 'part' of his life but no more then all good, some people would like that "separation" element but for you it isn't working. I wouldn't want to feel on the periphery of my partner's life, only privy to partial information. I can imagine it is disconcerting to constantly find out stuff weeks after the event or that he's one place when he said he'd be another.

Going forward depends on is he worth it? He could change if it's something he's doing unintentionally but if it's how he likes to be then maybe that is a deal breaker.

Hi OP,

My husband then boyfriend used to compartmentalise- drove me batshit crazy as like you, we had constant comms but he'd omit / no share something and it made me question our relationship.

Thankfully, after I did the same back to him, he realised how perturbing it was and has now learned to share and communicate properly 😅

Don't LTB just yet 😄

I think this is just part of who he is.

He's independent and makes his own decisions without feeling the need to check in & inform you. That's fine for him to decide.

YOU need to decide if that's ok in a partner for you. Don't try make him change, he probably won't. Don't expect him to change after kids etc - he'll be the Dad that you don't know if he's coming back for dinner together or in time to take 1 to football practice etc. It will drive you bananas but he will see no problem with it.