(TW) Threats of self-harm (TW)

[whatshouldihavedone]

This was a long time ago and the relationship is long since defunct (in fact he's remarried at least twice since, maybe 3 times, I'm not sure and don't care!) -- but I do still wonder what I should have done in the following circumstance. (Posting on AIBU because I still feel that maybe I enabled the situation for far too long but can't think how to word a poll).

I was married to an arse. (I believe that's an oversubscribed club).
Whenever things didn't go his way in the marriage he would wail about how he was such a terrible husband and I could do better.
If at that point I didn't make suitable noises about how WRONG he was in that self-assessment, he'd tell me he'd be best to kill himself. He told me how he planned to do it. This happened many times over a few years. He never did actually self-harm, but I wasn't to know that initially. In hindsight he was a real narcissist.

This was incredibly difficult. Even when love and respect is gone, who wants someone to kill themselves? I'd arrive home from work bracing for the sight of a police car outside the house and a couple of coppers breaking the news to me.
I was terrified of the effect it would have on our child if he did less the grief that the child might feel actually, and more the idea that it would show the child that this was the way out of a difficult situation not a life lesson that you want your beloved child to be exposed to.
Also I worked in a field allied to MH and i was really worried that if he killed himself, it would get into the press and if I couldn't keep my husband safe, what hope for my clients??

I thought initially he was depressed but as time went on I realised that this was just manipulation. I do have training in MH and assessing suicide risk professionally so I suppose that was helpful. If I'd thought he was ill, I'd have had a great deal more sympathy (which of course was the case at first), but also maybe I would have been able to get outside help too. Of course he always refused to see any doctor/counsellor etc.

I eventually called his bluff by saying that this was not a game I wanted to play, and walking out of the room. This was after years of this! He left not too long after, thank heavens.

I'm sure there are other posters here who have been in similar situations. If you haven't, I'm not sure that you can understand how incredibly difficult this can be.

So WWYD? If you've been here, what did you do?

I spent my younger years running around after people who wouldn't lift a finger and felt like I should be doing more. I woke up.

I have 0 time for suicide threats honestly. There's a big difference between someone opening up about their feelings, and someone threatening. One is usually only done as a sort of retort in a disagreement or because something happened they don't like. Im out if you use suicide to threaten me. Obviously not if someone tells me seeking support. Id call the police though, as is right when someones life seems to be in danger, I just wouldnt let it manipulate me.

I did have a friend whose recent ex at the time threatened suicide when she left him, and he actually followed through - and blamed her in his suicide letter. She was fucking traumatised, poor love.. as was his intention, Im sure. Evil. He did her very wrong. Thankfully we looked after her, after a couple of years she was able to feel a bit better.. Even his own family thought it was unfair of him and didnt blame her - all she did was leave him. So he left that legacy with his own family, as someone cruel. It was like abuse beyond the grave and he doesnt get a free pass for that just for being dead or mentally ill before he died.

I would try and move on, he seems to have done. No point ruminating on it now. I'm not one who believes suicide threats are always manipulation but I'm probably in the minority there. If you think he's a narcissist just be glad he's out of your life surely.

In this kind of situation, if someone is threatening suicide, you immediately call the emergency services but otherwise do not change your own plans.

If the person is genuinely suicidal, it is the correct response, and if they are manipulating, then it shows you are not available for manipulation.