DH uses his Mother for money

[SkeletonTrees]

DH had a difficult childhood and was treated badly at times by his Mother. As an adult he has a complex relationship with his mum and harbours much resentment whilst also seeking her approval. I’ve witnessed her treating him badly as an adult too. She is, on the other hand very generous with money. She frequently gives DH large (hundreds of pounds) sums of money, pays for shopping, buys him large items, clothes etc. DHs attitude is to take as much as he can get to make up for her poor treatment of him as a child and adult. When shopping he knows that she will pay for everything and he takes as much as he can.

AIBU that this is massively unhealthy? Should I talk to him? He talks about his past frequently and her terrible treatment of him. Should I just leave him to it? It’s very difficult.

It probably makes his mum feel better too. Let it be - it’s between them.

I think his use of the money is a symptom of the problem rather than the problem itself. I’m not surprised you find it uncomfortable, it’s an uncomfortable situation.

I’d encourage my DP into therapy - he could use some of the money for that, to talk about his childhood and his treatment by his mother. That he talks about it frequently to you I think
means he is trying to process it - better so the help from a professional. It sounds like his mother harbours guilt about it too - so therapy may also be able to increase empathy from your DP to his mother, as someone who was struggling badly themselves back then, and improve their relationship now.

talk to him about it imo.

Agree leave it between them.

DF disappeared for most of my childhood. He reappeared when I and my siblings were teens and tried to 'buy' our love. I ignored it and him because I was earning my own money but my siblings loved it!

Now 10 years on I think it was the foundation they rebuilt they're relationship on, that he could be there for them and help out financially, if not anything else as kids. It wasn't just that of course, but I think it did them all some good. I did not respond, and have a much worse relationship now that I'm trying to fix 😂

When you say she treated him badly, what exactly did she do?

I can’t say too much as it is outing but there was a lot of putting the men in her life at the time before her children, leaving DH on his own to fend for himself frequently and general neglect.

My dm is awful. Been nc for best part of 20 years. She sends money at Christmas.. I take it. And spend it. Guilt free. Makes me and dc have a better Xmas. Compensation I see it as...

I'd say leave them to it.

They have found a way of making a very dysfunctional relationship work for both of them.

If she wants to show him love via money, let her. As long as he's not stealing money or actively causing her to struggle due to this money, leave him to it.

Is it healthy? Not really.

Is there a way of fixing their troubles? Potentially, but how long would it take to undo years and years of neglect?

I'm inclined to agree with this, the same time some sort of therapy would probably help him?