Parents moving further away

[christmasiscoming24]

My parents currently live 30-40 minutes away. I always visit them, they claim they don't like driving for long periods of time anymore as they're now 70. My dad's health also hasn't been great and my mam has some mobility issues.
They have now decided to sell and move 2.5 hours away to a house with no local amenities or shops nearby and the nearest shop is a 30 minute walk. I've already mentioned to them as they get older they may appreciate having a local shop to pick up the bread and milk etc or my mum who doesn't drive at all used to go for a short walk to the local shops most days just to get out of the house. They are also moving away from all their family and friends and will know no one on this new area.
They're now saying that they cannot wait for me to come down and visit them but I've had to remind them that as I work and have children in various things at the weekend I will not be able to visit as frequent as I was. Their solution is I come down and stay over night but I would need to get someone to mind my dog as they don't want dogs in their house. I've told them I will not be paying to have my dog minded. It would cost me 40-60 pounds. I am wondering if I am BU here. For context they currently could come out to visit me and take public transport but they choose not to. I also didn't mind driving 30-40 minutes to them and back. Thanks

I think this is very shortsighted of them.
They are going from a pop in distance to an overnight or 2 at a time.

Why are they doing this? Financial reasons? Idealistic country life scenario? You need to be honest and direct. They are doing the opposite of what they should be doing. As people are older they need human interaction, amenities medical services and obviously family nearby. Lack of a social community is a shortcut to the grave.

What's their rationale for moving?

It sounds illadvised but ultimately there's not much you can do except outline the barriers in your way to visiting/caring for them when they get older

Oh dear, you're absolutely right to be very concerned by this. What reason have they given you for making this very rash decision?

Can you sit them down and gently point out all the issues with this? From personal experience I know the ageing process unfortunately accelerates in your seventies and it's good to be close to amenities such as local shops, transport, doctors surgeries and hospitals if possible.

Do you think they're just floating this idea, but actually have no intention of following it through? Is their house easy to sell? Do they realise how much hassle and work is involved in a move? Why do they want to move -i.e. what will they gain for all the very many losses they will experience?

Just to add my personal experience - we moved in our late sixties from the countryside to be nearer amenities and our family. It was challenging, but do-able and overall it has been a success.

Yes, there are certain things we miss - the country idyll with our orchard, juicing apples in the autumn, etc. But I love having a manageable garden, modern house, bus stop outside to nearest city, village shops and pubs within walking distance but more important of all a short distance to my family and grandchildren.

You need to be a little bit brutal here and explain the reality that you will not have the time to do overnight visits. Also stress how difficult it will be for your mum, as she doesn't drive. Oh dear!!!

Why are they moving?

Have they said why they're moving to a more isolated area away from family and friends? It's quite unusual at their age, most elderly people want to be closer to family in case of needing more help as they get older.

Having moved away from home as a teenager and living 2.5 hours from my family I now see the problems. Trying to help my dad care for my terminally ill mum from 100 miles away (Edinburgh to Newcastle so takes ages as no dual carriageway) whilst holding down a job was so hard and I would love to be able just to pop in and see my dad more often. He's 92.

At 70 my parents were fit and well and off on holiday loads we visited each other but as you say it can't be too often as everyone has commitments.

My daughter now lives 20 minutes from me and we can just pop in to each other. I think moving away at 70 is ok as long as you are fit and accept fewer visits and you should plan a move back as you get older. If you have the money to spend on house moves.

Im thinking of moving about ten minutes further away from my children, ageing father, and into a more peaceful location, to a bungalow. Reason. Noise, i live quite near main roads and a town. No bungalows nearee that meet my criteria fir moving. Also found out my dad has given my brother, who lives very near to him, power of attorney should the need arise and this has hurt me. So I dont see why I should stay near to him to take care of him. My children hardly visit me. Should I move or are my reasons for moving wrong?

Sounds like the decision has been already made by them. May be there dream home

I would be very very blunt about what you will and won't be doing before it's too late and they sell their house.
Point out how isolated your mum will be if your dad dies and she cannot drive. Or if dad becomes incapable of driving and the pair of them are trapped in the arse end of nowhere with no support system. Dont just let this play out while they blithely assume you'll be visiting once a week and staying over. This is really selfish, unless they are rich enough to buy in all the help they might need in the future.

My dad is 2.5 hours from me. My childhood home. I moved north. Realistically visits were 2-3 months apart. I found it really hard when my mum was dying and I couldn't get to see her enough and although my dad is fine he's very isolated as all his friends are dead but I can't spend more time down there. He's 94 now and either my brother or I visit monthly. My brother is still working and lives a 6 hour drive away.

Be thankful you haven't got poa. It's a pain. My brother and I both have it for my dad but brother can't get his act together to get on the banking so I'm doing it all. Honestly I would be grateful not to have it. It's really stressful. Leave your brother doing all that work.

Oh I think it might be too late since OP posted this thread in 2024.

Why on earth do people resurrect zombie threads. There's even a warning when you open them?? @62Dee ?

Oops. Hope it worked out for the OP

Please do enlighten me? I thought I started a New thread. I am not particularly familiar with making new posts on social media. 😅

I see what you mean. I am kind off grateful but still feel upset because I feel my dad could have mentioned it or at least asked me if I wanted to have POA. I feel like he must not trust me or sonething. I am sorry that you are having to bear the brunt of the responsibilities. .

Oh dear. No, you replied on someone else's thread, a very old one.
You need to click the drop down arrow on the topic you want to post in and select 'start new thread'. 😊

OP, you really need to sit down with them and spell it out.
They will very rarely see you.
The children, work and cost of dog care, could mean it may only be annually.

They need to know this.
You will not be guilted.
You will not be made to feel bad.
You will not be using all annual leave to visit.

If they have an ounce of sense they will rent for 6 months to see how it goes.

I know of two sets of parents that did this, to the coast, bad roads, dismal in the winter.

Absolute disaster. Caused a falling out as none of their children were prepared to do 5 hours with young children. They had warned them, but were dismissed.

They bought a very small 3 bed so hosting was difficult.
It ended up being an expensive disaster that caused huge stress.

They moved back after 3 long years of complaining, bought a house much worse than what they had sold, lost a lot of money.

They had been begged to rent to try it out.
My friend had 3 under 5 and her parents spoiled those years with the selfish drama.
Their relationship never really recovered.

Spell it out.
Even write it down so they know how serious you are.

The lack of amenities, doctors, shops, the shite weather for months at a time.
Spell it out to them.

Make it very clear that you will not be up and down that road to them, your own responsibilities have to be your priority.