If you feel in control of your emotions, please can you help me?

[Helbelap]

I’ve always struggles with my emotions. I have a good relationship with my parents now but growing up I was always compared to my younger sister. I felt very emotionally empty and I look back and can see how I never learned to respect myself or love myself. I know the theory of it all and I understand it and where it comes from. Im
in therapy. In my late twenties I managed to learn to put myself first and have some boundaries and I flourished, my emotions were stable for the first time.

As I’ve got older it’s got worse again. I guess because I have less time to actively focus on being more mindful of my attitude towards myself. Life is stressful and so I just don’t have that luxury I had in my twenties.

i don’t think my reactions are normal? I feel anxiety at 3am to 6am most nights. I will feel anger about things that most people I assume do not… I was in the supermarket the other day and couldn’t find some sauce I was looking for. Within literally a minute or so I was feeling so angry, I caught myself muttering! I then asked an assistant, she pointed me in the right direction and I still couldn’t see it. The feeling inside was overwhelming, I was angry and upset, frustrated with myself. My reactions are really really fast too, I will instantly feel something. There’s no reflection or calmness, I just feel things strongly and it’s awful.

I would love to be someone who is calm. I had a colleague years ago who was so calm. Everything she did was really intentional and mindful (I usually hate that word but it’s the best way to describe it!). She had an awful betrayal years ago and I remember he being quiet and acknowledging it was awful but she didn’t seem out of control with her reactions. She was so in control of herself.

I am not an aggressive person and I don’t actually feel hate or want to hurt anyone. But I do feel anger often towards myself and I feel like anyone could steer my day in any direction as I am so reactive. I can’t be calm and manage myself. If you can do this please tell me how? Im almost 40 now and it feels like I’ve wasted so much of life living like this.

I know you say you hate the word mindful but maybe you could try it? Mindfulness is a great tool for managing emotions.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Viktor E. Frankl

Meditation, mindfulness, yoga, relaxation, exercise, breathing techniques and knowing that being able to choose your reaction is your superpower 💐

Find a counsellor who will talk this through with you and suggest some ways to deal with it. You want to change which is the most important first step.

I'm very zen, but I think it's partly genetic/hormonal. I know you're under 40, but peri menopause can start 7 years before the menopause hits, so if you feel you are getting worse, ask who's the menopause expert at your GP surgery and get checked for hormone levels, thyroid, blood pressure. And the usual stuff -- sleep, good diet (really try to up your fruit and veg, and avoid processed food), getting outside. Soya products are good for balancing hormones. Also, try to get to know your own triggers. Too much salt makes me really really irritable! If there are certain people in your life that trigger you, look up the grey rock method. In my head, I have many, many gold medals for my grey rocking...

I find calmness in thinking 'well it's done now so what's next'. As in, there's no point being angry /upset /frustrated as it's happened so what's my next move. Give yourself some grace though. I am calm but there are a couple of things that trigger me and (shock) they also trigger my dad.

Waking up at 3am feeling anxious is a real sign of dipping oestrogen and/or high blood pressure. Get checked out.

See if you can access DBT- it's very effective for learning to manage your emotions better.

Why does she need to pay a counseller. Plenty of good self help books out there.
Type Managing my anger books, into Google or Amazon.

You can’t choose what happens to you but you can choose your reaction.

It's peri menopause! It's not specific to you and your past experiences, it's just raging bloody hormones. And the weirdest thing will set you off and you can't control it. It comes to us all, you'll get through it.

Do you find that you are quick to anger when another emotion is more appropriate? I had that. I was a really angry person years ago but it turns out that a huge part was only being able to express every emotion as an angry flare.

I did 6 months of therapy, and really worked on learning how to stop when I feel the surge, and think about the emotion I was really feeling. Fear? Jealousy? Hurt? Sadness?

I learned not to react immediately, that in most cases, having space and thinking about my feelings and figuring out how to communicate them worked better.

Lastly, I worked on deflecting. I found cracking a joke when I'm stressed or in a flap totally diffuses my surge and I end up laughing.

I now work on deadlines involving anything from tens of thousands to several million. And known for not losing the plot under pressure. You can change how you react, but it might take time.

I'm generally quite calm.
I walk in nature every day, am involved with a couple of charities and have a couple of very close people in my life that I can sound off to and acknowledge that I have this one life and there's no point living it stressed and angry.
My dh is quick to anger and I know it's linked to his work stress and emotional capacity to deal with it.
I've raised my dc with lots of time in nature and I really believe in its grounding and calming effects.
I remind my dc to not allow others to have control and power over their emotions.
I also explain to them that they'll feel what they feel, their emotions are valid but how they react as a result of those emotions is within their control.